Journaling is one of those things that are born as a resolution for me but I never have time to fulfill the plan. It’s a great therapeutic idea, in theory, but how will it help? I think it’s because I know I will never find the time to go back to read what I have written. I wrote it. I already know what it says! What is the point of writing it then?
Today, I have so many thoughts fluttering through my head. The past 5 weeks have been incredible. They have been filled with reflection and I now have so much clarity about myself and what I want and need in the future. I was faced with a challenge, told that I needed to define who I am while essentially questioning my strength. I had some who I thought were my friends turn on a dime and suggest that I am not the follower and submissive that I claim to be. I was broken and devastated. What they did not know was that I have so much more strength than they were aware of. I have been broken and devastated before, but after I process the situation and think over the events and discussions, I ALWAYS come out stronger and smarter than I was before. I refuse to be manipulated or made to feel as though I am less than I am. I stand with my head up high. I am fierce. I am kind. I am smart. I am a leader. I am a follower. I am loved. I am PERFECT. Anyone who finds their own strength in tearing me or anyone else down is weak and foolish for thinking that it will be tolerated.
The profound moment I had was the self-realization that I can be every bit as driven and strong while being a true partner and follower in a D/s relationship. I have a timid personality that I use humor and overall silliness to mask when I feel nervous. I am a bottom when I play because I have been forced to live a dominant vanilla life and need to submit that control to my trusted Dominant, which is why I prefer to be a submissive as a role and quite possibly a slave as the relationship progresses. I am a very strong follower who has strong opinions and isn’t afraid to share them but who also trusts her Dominant to listen and consider her concerns while he makes his decision. I have also thought good and long about what I need as a submissive/follower. I need a Dominant/Leader who does not try to control me by making me feel small in order to make himself feel bigger and stronger. I do not have an interest in building inflated egos. I need a confident leader who is not intimidated by my strength, one who sees the possibilities and encourages my strong, independent thinking and personal growth. A good Dominant is not one who rules by intimidation and threats of punishment. A good Dominant is one who can inspire his/her submissive by empowering them to be the best they can be without making them feel broken in the process. Anyone can learn to be a top, to use implements to cause pain. I cannot respect bullies. The true Dominant to me is the one who can lead their follower because they have connected and have a mutual trust in each other.
In the end, I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. The good things are gifts. The bad things become life lessons that make me who I am and create additional strength and clarity. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am in love with an incredibly giving and strong Dominant, who has my health, happiness and strength as priorities for my role; he has earned my Respect and I will follow him anywhere he leads me. I am happy. I am strong. I am loved. What else is there?