February 12, 2019
FoolNoun: A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person. Synonyms:idiot, ass, halfwit, nincompoop, blockhead, buffoon, dunce, imbecile, dullard, moron, clod.
Verb:Trick or deceive (someone); dupe. Synonyms:deceive, trick, hoak, dupe, mislead, delude, hoodwink, bluff, beguile, gull, outwit.
Yep…that’s me. I’m a fucking imbecile. We all make mistakes. We all have lapses of judgement. I know as well as anyone that hindsight is always 20/20. It doesn’t change me from feeling like a fucking nincompoop though. I could say that I hate him right now…but no, that would give him power over me and I have taken that back. He will not have any control over me or my emotions from this point on.
My first instinct was to erase that bastard from my life. Delete the journals that I have written that spoke of him as the wonderful man that I thought he was. The kind, strict, loving and trustworthy Dominant. The one who told me that he loved me and made me feel safe and calmed my storms. The man that abandoned me without a second thought. That isn’t who I am though. I’m horribly embarrassed for falling for him…for sharing my deepest feelings in writing…for sharing them for the world to see. Now…I have to decide. Do I also share my anger and grief? Yes…I think I do.
He was torn. Faced with a decision. Relocate to Las Vegas with a promotion and substantial pay increase or stay here where he owns a home, has family and me. He asked me what I would do if he took the job. I told him that I did not want to be that girl. The one that makes a tough decision even tougher. I truly wanted him to make the decision that was right for him. If the job was important to him and it was good for his career, I thought he should seriously consider it. That wasn’t what he asked though and he reminded me of that. He was right…that wasn’t what he wanted to know at all. “Fine…I promised to always be honest…I would miss you. I would feel sad that you’re leaving because you just found me”. Then he hugged me and told me again that he loved me and not to worry. I felt at ease. He was my Daddy and wouldn’t hurt me. We would find a way to make it work if he took the job. All will be as it is if he doesn’t. It will be ok. I went home with a smile.
Daddy was sick that night…he knew that before he decided that he wanted to see me. I knew I was going to be sick in a few days. I didn’t really care at the time though because I missed him and I knew it would be a few days before I would have another opportunity. That 20/20 hindsight reminds me what a selfish act that was though. He knew that he was going to make me ill…he was miserable and felt like shit. If he was the loving Dom that I thought he was…protecting me the way he promised….would he have done that? Set me up to potentially miss work and bring this virus into my home with my children? No…I think not.
He was going to be gone for the weekend. A sports tournament for a children’s’ team that he coaches. Yes, he must have forgotten to tell me about that…quite the busy guy. Now I have a Dom who is nursing a man cold, barely texting because he is very dramatic when he is sick, while worrying about this decision that needs to be made while out of town coaching kids in a travel sports tournament. I fully expected to have minimal communication over the weekend. What I did not expect is near radio silence.
A brief message that he was headed out and would text me the next morning is what I received. Really? He didn’t want to check in on me later that night? Ouch. Saturday morning, I sent him a good morning text…and received no reply. After lunch, I finally received a message on the Kik messaging app from Daddy. Odd, we haven’t used that since we exchanged phone numbers. He tells me that he shattered his phone that morning and that he we wouldn’t be able to text so needed to use his work phone. Good thing for Kik, huh? He said they were getting ready for the next game and that he would text me later. That was the last time I heard from him.
I waited a couple hours, thought about what he was going through, and wanted to make him understand that I would be supportive of whatever he decided. The timing definitely sucked but I wanted him to do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t be angry. I would be sad but we would find a way. There are cheap flights to Vegas afterall! No response. Just the dreaded ‘S’ that appears when the message has been sent but you know you have either been blocked or the app hasn’t been opened. Of course, it’s the app…he is busy. Why would it be open? He will see it later. 8 hours later…no response. Still the dreaded ‘S’ appearing there…taunting me. I wasn’t feeling well…I had his nasty ass cold. I sent him a short message telling him that I was headed to bed. That I missed him and hoped that everything was OK. Talk tomorrow Daddy. Except we didn’t.
Daddy was ghosting me. I opened the app to see if he responded…but all that I saw were the ‘S’ still there beside my messages from 24 hours ago. I felt a different kind of sick now. If he loved me the way he said he did…knowing that I was sick and worrying about what he was going to do…why he didn’t even bother to open the app and check on me? No good night…no good morning. No…”hey…how’s my baby girl?” Nothing. Nothing but silence. How can everything seem so perfect one day…him going on about how he wants me to wear his collar…helping me pick one out online, talking about the future…to being ghosted. Who the hell does that? He does…my Daddy Dom…fucking Mike does that shit. The man that did this once before…the man that thought that giving me the silent treatment for three days without telling me why was a good idea. I left him once for that and he apologized, admitted how wrong he was and was grateful for my forgiveness and second chance. He was a different man after that…we had a new and improved relationship. Exactly what I had searched for…and now this. Silence for two days now.
I don’t think so. He promised that he would never do that to me again. Would never make me feel abandoned again. Guess what “Daddy”…you have made me feel abandoned again. Worse yet…I think I have actually been abandoned. It was at that moment that I realized…with that 20/20 hindsight vision…that he had already decided what he was going to do. He wasn’t worried about the decision…he was trying to figure out how to back out of all the promises he made to me. So much for “nobody gets left behind”, huh Mike? That bastard didn’t have the balls to tell me what he decided…he was just going to vanish. I hated him at that moment.
He obviously wasn’t going to open the Kik messages that I had sent to his work phone so I decided to send him a text message to his broken phone. He could see it when he got it fixed.
I didn’t expect a response. Then as I arrived at work Monday morning I receive a text from him.
That bastard. Don’t you fucking dare make me the bad guy. Don’t you fucking dare! I hated him as I read that message. I had so much anger…I could feel the heat in my face. Then I set the phone down. I cried. Let’s make one thing VERY clear…I did not cry for him…the loss of him…or his words. I cried because I was so angry. I was livid that he could hurt me for 48 hours and then find a reason to be mad at me about it. I hope that helps him to sleep better at night…thinking that I somehow caused this mess.
Then I thought about it for a few more minutes. He did me a wonderful favor by ignoring me this weekend. He gave me the gift of allowing me to see the real man. The one that blows off the woman he claims that he loves and wants to protect and care for. The man that would make a life change without at least telling her what his decision was…the man who then lies and tells her that she was sending a text to a phone that she knew was broken…that I knew he couldn’t communicate with me. Really Mike?
In the end…who is really the fool? I fell for his bullshit…I was fooled but I am no fool. The real blockhead here is Mike. Eventually, he will realize what he has done. What he has lost. When that happens, he will also see how he chose poorly and that he completely blew his opportunity. I will not shed another tear for losing him because I have not lost anything. I just won my life back. I should thank his company for the clarity they have given to me…before I gave myself further to the clod who never really loved me in the first place.
He was a Dom….but not a respectable one…lesson learned…NEXT!!