At the beginning of the year, I fully intended 2019 to be a year of growth, positive thinking and happiness. It is now the midpoint of the year and I find myself reflecting on a cold and rainy morning with a cup of coffee…wondering why it feels like a fall morning instead of the summer it should be.
That sounds dreary and negative. I admit that I have not felt like myself the last two weeks. A depression of sorts has washed over me. Perhaps it was the taste of not being invincible last week with my health scare. Nothing like being admitted to the hospital to make you think about life and time you’ve been wasting and people you’re wasting it on.
OK…that sounds negative too. Believe it or not, I am an exceptionally optimistic person. I typically describe the way I choose to see the world as my happy bubble…I choose to see the good in people. I truly believe that most people mean well and have good intentions…sometimes we just catch them on a bad day. My bubble smells like the beach and is filled with warmth, sunshine and pina coladas 🙂
Every once in a while someone comes along and try’s to pop my bubble. I get it…sometimes it is jealousy, sometimes it is because they are insecure, sometimes it just because they are miserable and unhappy and want everyone else to suffer with them. I feel sorry for these individuals. I don’t give up right away. I watch for a pattern though and I give them time. Maybe they just need to get to know me more. All I want in life is for everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along. I have a need to be surrounded by people who have positive energy, are optimistic and empower me just as I will do for them. Once these individuals have let me down and I see that their negative energy is effecting me, I choose to remove them from my life permanently. I don’t do it to be mean or as an insult or anything else…I remove them because the relationship is not positive and they are causing harm to me. I simply remove the risk of additional harm and the weight that comes off my shoulders from this act is liberating.
Over the last month, maybe it is because of the health scare I had, I re-evaluated my life and those I have chosen to surround myself with. I have written before about being judged in the kink community, the one place where I should never feel that way. I was surrounded by some who believe in high protocol D/s and seemed to believe that I needed to pick someone to submit to so I could be controlled the way they thought it was needed. Here is the thing though…just because I don’t practice my kink the way you do, does not make me a brat or someone that cannot be trusted since I had not committed to anyone yet or have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. Relax friends, the taboo abusive word gets people so excitable sometimes. D/s is filled with the need for consent…I have consented to the play in my relationships and loved it…the abuse that I endured was psychological. No one sees that abuse because it happens behind closed doors. Again, I was punished by “friends” for ending that relationship and standing up for myself…later to find that most people did not like him anyway. Judgmental asshats. Still…I tried to maintain the friendships. They just didn’t understand.
I am human. In my happiness bubble, I have been fooled along the way and believed the words of a few men that I shouldn’t have. I ignored red flags. I heard what I wanted to hear. I was given a collar way before it was appropriate and I knew it was too soon, but I struggled to speak up for fear of being disrespectful of a dominant and insulting the gift. I was scorned by my “friends” and marked as untrustable because of this. The relationship obviously did not work out, which made it worse.
This is my opinion which obviously is not what my “friends” believe…but D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships in the beginning. It is dating people…plain and simple. You get to know each other, you go out to dinner, you talk about life and test for compatibility. Sometimes you know immediately that you are not compatible together, other times a few weeks to a couple months. In the end, if it doesn’t feel right, you have the right to end the relationship and shouldn’t be judged for it. My ideal relationship is not high protocol 24/7…I don’t have the time or interest in having someone control every aspect of my life. I own a home, I have teenagers, I have a demanding and high level position that needs me to think independently and not worry about what my Dominant will think if I run late today…he is extremely important in my life, but cannot be my number one priority 24/7. My children and employment are priority number 1. It is up to me to ensure that they are happy, safe and loved…the employment allows me to do that. In order for me to see a future in the relationship, I have to believe that he would be a positive influence on my children and someone I could trust to be in their vicinity. Any red flags in that arena and you bought your one way ticket out of my life. There is more to a relationship than good sex for me. I may be submissive but I am a fiercely protective mom and show respect to those around me…I expect the same in return.
I guess that brings me to my recent growth. It was with a heavy heart that I scrolled through my FetLife friend list last week. I had given myself time to think about all the events that have occurred in the last year…both positive and negative. I looked at the names and asked myself if they added joy and positivity to my life. As I scrolled though the names, I found myself thinking about how I need to be guarded when I am in their presence…I can’t be myself without them judging me or making comments that made me feel bad. Why do I allow people to do this to me? What…because I am involved in the kink community I am not allowed to be my silly and happy self? What kind of bullshit is that? No…these people were becoming toxic. The last straw that I was not able to let go of came from the last munch. I was having a fun conversation with one of the women, waiting for my boyfriend/dominant to arrive. We talking about travel and fun places to go for a weekend. I didn’t see him walk in…all I felt was his hand on my shoulder. I jumped up and gave him a hug and kiss as soon as I saw him. When I sat back down, a dominant friend across the table called me a narcissist for my behavior. Apparently, I should have been just staring at the door…waiting for him to arrive and then greeting him appropriately. Well…that isn’t the expectation of my dominant. I laughed it off and said that I didn’t see him come in because I was in my own little world and having a conversation…then he reminded me that this was what a narcissist is…focused on self. Here’s the thing though…a narcissist is actually a personality disorder. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Anyone who knows me well knows that my life is based on empathy for others, helping people and that I avoid excessive attention. When I get thrown into the center of attention, I try to divert it with humor. It’s better to laugh than to cry. This was not the first time that I felt like I was being attacked by this “friend” so I decided that if he was really the friend he claims to be, he wouldn’t keep going out of his way to make me feel like shit. Now that the name calling had begun though, I decided that I needed to determine if this was a situation I wanted to keep finding myself in. I won’t tolerate bullying and judgmental behavior from those that I thought were my friends. If the relationship is not mutually beneficial by creating joy, then it is not really a friendship.
Spending time with this group is no longer creating joy in my life. So, I have chosen to move forward with a happy face…liberated from the toxic environment that I had allowed myself to be sucked into. I have decided to take a break from the kink community as well. What started as a liberating and amazing experience has left me questioning everything. I don’t need the kink community events to enjoy what I love with my Dominant. Our relationship and the dynamic we choose to enjoy does not need the approval of that narrow-minded man and his followers.
I can now breath again…I can move forward in my happy bubble which is now intact again. The negativity has been removed from my life and I can feel the stress and anxiety melt away. This will be the last time I think of them because dwelling on the negative gives them power over me and I will not allow them to steal another second of my valuable time. Cheers to my wonderful friends and loving Dominant…life is good 🙂