Worst…Week…Ever

November 13, 2019

Grief…it is a pain that is really difficult to explain. By definition, it is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. For me, it is overwhelming. It feels big, heavy and is dark in color. It creates a physical pain and makes it hard to breathe. It takes away the ability to comprehend and think clearly. It makes your small problems seem too enormous to handle on your own. As an empath, I feel this from people that are grieving around me and it created the ability to be a supportive nurse in my NICU days. I knew that the babies were happy, sad and scared. I knew when their parents needed my support and when they needed time to themselves. Grief also crushes me when I am already grieving, allowing me to feel my family’s grief at the same time.

This has been a really difficult week for me and my family. If you have ever lost a pet, you’ll understand. If you haven’t, you will probably just think I am dramatic or something. The truth of the matter is that I adopted my dog as a puppy shortly after I got my first job as a nurse. At the time, I was married, and my husband had been unemployed for close to two years. He had just returned to full time work at this same time. It was a celebration to go from no income and government assistance to keep our home to be a two-salary household. We were able to get the dog our children desperately wanted. We picked him up and loved him immediately, he was part of the family. For the past 10 years, we have had good times and bad times with him. He has always been the sweetest and most gentle dog I have ever known; he had the softest and most silky fur I have ever felt on a dog. He was not smart, and I used to say that he looked at me with a confused face most of the time. He was loyal and loving and lazy and I loved him. This guy loved his pillow that was on the kitchen floor. He would stay in that kitchen whether the gate was open or not. It was his safe place. I think he found comfort being in there. He was easily stressed and did not like leaving the house. Car rides overwhelmed him. He used to get car sick as a puppy. He had separation anxiety and would panic, have accidents and chew up things when he was left alone. He was claustrophobic so he would have all those panic symptoms if he was locked up in a room or crate alone. The day we got our second dog was life changing because it cured him from the loneliness. They were buddies and he never had issues being closed in the kitchen at night because he was with the puppy. Unfortunately, housetraining was a challenge. He was housetrained by day and fine at night as long as he was confined to one room. If we let him have the run of the house, he would choose a room to use as his overnight bathroom. It was frustrating and upsetting.

Even though he had his quirks, I loved him so much. He would always wait at the back door to greet me when I walked in the door after a long day. He would jump up, wagging his tail as I pet him and then jump down and curl back up on his pillow for another nap. It made me laugh because the whole family would be in the family room, watching tv and goofing around, the other dog would be in there with us, begging for attention, but he would only briefly come in, see what was going on, get a couple snuggles and then walk away; seemingly satisfied with what he saw and experienced. It was what he wanted. He was a happy dog and we loved him.

About three weeks ago, we noticed him coughing a little bit. It was nothing major, but a cough none the less. It didn’t seem to be affecting him very much so I didn’t think much of it. We were all coughing a little, sneezing. Change of weather sometimes does that. We had just done some cleaning so maybe the dust was bothering him? The coughing seemed to mostly go away after a few days and was replaced with him having a wet and kind of a runny nose that lasted a couple days and was replaced by a dry nose. He seemed a little thinner but not drastically so. I was paying more attention to the food being given, but it was hard to tell who was eating it. Were they sharing like they always did or was the other dog eating his share now? I decided to separate them when I put some dinner down and I had my answer. He begged for the food I was preparing but when I put a bowl down with some of the scraps in it, he licked it and then curled back up on his bed. We encouraged him to eat several nights in a row, but he seemed thinner and thinner. He rarely left his pillow. Then he started having breathing difficulty. He seemed to have some respiratory distress. He was resting but not sleeping and always breathing so fast. I was worried. Could it be pneumonia? Heart worm? Something I am not familiar with? I called to see if his vet could see him. Not until Monday. That’s fine…I’ll take what I can get. He had a good weekend. He didn’t greet me at the door anymore, and I had to bring his food to him, but he enjoyed some good meals of hamburger and his favorite wet dog foods. He definitely didn’t feel good, but he was happy. He would wag his tail and lean into me as I pet and hugged him. He was comforted and I was worried because now, when I rubbed under his chin, I could feel all his lymph nodes swollen down his jaw and neck. Oh shit.  This is new.  

Monday came quickly and I took the morning off work so I could make a quick visit to the vet where I figured I would get some antibiotics and maybe a steroid and then I would head up to the office for a busy day. He would bounce back and all would be well. This weird sickness would be a distant memory in a week and we would have our family pet back. We would hear his feet dancing on the tile floor when he was excited about something and he would jump up and say hello again when I walked into the room.

We walked into the waiting room and we weighed him. He had lost 8 pounds. Shit. I knew he lost weight but that was so much more than I thought. He just sat there waiting his turn to see the doctor. Normally he would act nervous from the car ride, pacing because he was someplace that wasn’t home. Not today. He just stood there next to me, looking at me with that far away look like he knew but he didn’t. I used to say that the far away look was him listening to the circus music in his head. He wasn’t a smart dog but that didn’t matter. Santa’s little helper was my dog, my buddy. He consoled me when I went through tough times. He curled up on the couch and let my 3-year-old use him as a soft warm pillow. He didn’t budge and just slept there next to her. He watched the kids grow up. He cuddled with me after my divorce. He overcame the stress of moving to a new house. He bonded with cats and actually enjoyed their company. He was a part of the family.

Then our lives changed. The doctor came in the room and asked a few questions. She palpated his neck and legs and agreed that those were his lymph nodes that were so terribly swollen. His cheeks were also swollen. Lymph nodes collect bacteria…antibiotics right? This means he has an infection. No. She said this isn’t a bacteria. This isn’t a virus. This isn’t something that we can cure. Lymphoma in dogs isn’t treatable with the goal of a cure. It is treatable to make their lives more comfortable until they pass away. Here standing in front of me was my family dog who was there with my kids as they went through elementary school and high school. He looked emaciated, had labored breathing and now I’m being told that he probably wasn’t eating because his mouth hurt. OMG…he was hungry but couldn’t eat. I had choices. We could run a bunch of tests and do xrays to confirm the diagnosis and then put him through a medicine regimen every day with regular visits to the vet for injections to make him more comfortable for his remaining months or we could let him go.

I went in to get an antibiotic and to be told my dog would be fine and now I am being forced to choose between extending a life that would be full of stress, anxiety and discomfort for my beloved dog or to consent to ending his life. I had to turn off the emotional mom part of my brain and look at what was best for him. I cannot allow him to suffer any more. This is not what is best for me or my kids. They would want more time to spend with him, time to say goodbye. His eyes pleaded with me to take the pain away. I tearfully told the vet that I had made my decision. I needed to let him go. Not because it would be work, or cost money or because he would undoubtedly start having accidents in the house due to medicine they would give. I didn’t care about any of it. I didn’t want his last days or weeks or months to be of him worrying about getting in trouble for something he couldn’t control. I didn’t want him to be in pain or to be struggling to get up, eat and breathe. No, I loved him too much to let that happen to him.

She gave him an injection that would not end his life, but it was a sedative that would relax him and allow him to fall into a deep sleep. He wouldn’t feel any pain and he would breathe easier. I sat on the floor with my puppy, laying on a blanket that the vet put beneath him so he would be comfortable. I pet him, and talked to him, and kept him relaxed and calm. I hugged him as I stroked his back and rubbed his ears and head the way he always liked. I felt him relax, he put his head down, and eventually closed his eyes. I knew it was almost over when his ears no longer perked up to the sound of other dogs barking. He was sound asleep. No longer responding to anything in the room. I continued to pet him and talk to him until the vet returned to the room. She said that he could no longer hear me. All that was left was to give him the injection that would stop his heart. He wouldn’t feel a thing. He was at peace.

This is what grief feels like. I told the vet that I felt like a horrible human. She assured me that I made the right decision and chose what was best for my dog. I cried. I hugged my daughter who was as stunned and as upset as I was and we left the animal hospital. We went in with a weak dog and we left with nothing but his collar and leash.

Now we work on healing. That night, I broke the news to family members on three separate occasions, causing me to relive the experience again and again. I spoke with my love and he helped calm me and reassured me that we did the right thing. He is always there for me and I would not have survived this without him. I didn’t think I had any more tears left but then I went to bed, and could just feel the overwhelming sadness in the air around me. Then I realized that my other dog, lying on my bed, was grieving too. I had given her lots of attention all day but she was hurting. I curled up in my bed and she immediately crawled closer to me, and slept all night up against me. She hasn’t left my side since that day. She needs her people and I feel her grief lessen with each passing day, just like the kids. We are healing. We will move on but we will never forget our buddy.

Time flies when you’re having fun!

Chapter 1

April, 2019

It started as a romantic conversation. We were sitting on the couch as he held me in arms. I was in a content and peaceful place, my safe place, looking up at the giant picture of the Eiffel Tower on his living room wall. It was beautiful. He talks about eating crepes by the Eiffel Tower and it sounds like a fantasy world. Then he says: “Wouldn’t it be fun to travel together to Paris?”

I have wanted to see the city of Paris since I was a little girl. I chose to take French in high school when most other people chose Spanish. What are the odds that I would ever need to know any French? Slim to none but I always found it beautiful and wanted to be able to speak it. Would I like to travel there? Hell yes I would! Did I think we were really going to go? Not really…at least not any time soon. It was fun to talk about though. We talked about the things we would see and do “when” we go there. I didn’t want to get my hopes up and think that this was really going to happen just to have my heart broken and to feel the disappointment. We have not been dating very long; just about a month. It is a romantic dream and hopefully I will see it come true someday. So the conversation and dreaming continues: “Yes…I would love to see it someday!” Then he kisses me and tells me that he will make it happen….and I melted.

It was March 17, 2019 when we met in person for the first time. I had been divorced for over four years and created a good life for myself and my kids. We have a beautiful home that I struggle to maintain but we are managing. I have a nice car and a job that I love. My children make good decisions, have a great sense of humor and do well in school. I see them doing wonderful things in life. The only thing missing was love and companionship. An open and honest relationship. Someone who wanted to know the real me and knew how to nurture my delicate and scared girl on the inside while understanding my need to be independent and strong on the outside. He has proven to be all of those things. He is fun, kind, generous, and loving. He takes care of me and is always making sure that I feel safe, secure and happy. He also knows when I need him to take control. When my mind starts swirling into a tornado and I start to feel overwhelmed…he knows what I need to calm that storm. He is my safe place. Mon amour.

We met online. It was a basic dating website that I have been on before. I had just decided to open up an old account again and he was one of the first people to send me a message. He actually had a picture of himself as his profile picture and a profile that sounded normal. If you have ever spent much time on a dating site, you know that this can be a rarity. He sent me a message and I responded right away. He was nice and it made me smile to read his responses. It didn’t take long for us to decide that we needed to meet in person. It was St Patricks Day and we decided to meet at a Starbucks for coffee halfway between our homes. It wasn’t a short drive and part of me almost cancelled due to the long list of things I needed to get done that day. It was a Sunday and I was trying to prepare for the week; get groceries for lunches and dinners, a couple loads of laundry and some general cleaning. I really didn’t have time for a coffee date but I was drawn to him and just needed to see if he was as wonderful in person as he seemed to be online.

I was nervous as I approached the parking lot. I really wanted to like him but my experience this far tended to be disappointment after meeting in person. There is rarely any passion…I wanted to feel a connection. I certainly never expect something out of the movies. I should be clear about that. I never expect to be swept off my feel in some kind of fairy tale whirlwind of happily ever after. What I truly wanted was to feel a mutual energy, a conversation that was not awkward and painful, some shared interests, an attraction and a sense of comfort. Maybe I was setting the bar too high? No. I will not settle for anyone who isn’t right for me. I have made that mistake before and have learned so many lessons. I stepped out of the car and walked across the parking lot to meet my date.

He was really nice. He smiled and gave me a hug as he greeted me. We ordered our coffee, he spent an eternity making his just right, something I giggle about as I think back on that day. We found a table and before I knew what happened, an hour had flown by before I realized what had happened. It was already time to go…I still had all those tasks to complete to prepare for the week. I needed to go to the grocery store and before I could stop my mouth from opening, I heard myself say: “Hey, do you want to come with to the grocery store?”

What have I done? That was so weird and so random. He is going to think I am crazy. Then to my surprise, he said yes. Off we went to a nearby Woodman’s grocery store and had an absolute blast! Up and down the aisles, adding items as we walked and talked. I talked about the ingredients I was getting and the things I needed to get which led to favorite meals that we liked to cook. He talked about a favorite meal he cooks, Chicken Marsala, and how he would make it for me some time. Some of the foods would trigger stories about childhood, foods his mom and aunt would cook for him, and of course the crepes that he loves to make on Sunday mornings. I learned so much about this man in that one hour in the grocery store and I was excited about the plan to see each other again soon. He gave me a huge hug in the parking lot after helping me load all my groceries into my car. I felt safe, happy and calm. It was like I was where I belonged. We agreed that we definitely needed to see each other again. I can not believe I almost cancelled this date. It would have been a huge mistake.

It wasn’t long before we had a date planned for the following Friday. I was nervous and super excited. We were planning to go out for dinner. I normally want to meet at the restaurant for that first date but he insisted that I drive to his home and we ride together. I am not going to lie. This made me nervous. I was taking a chance that I would advise my friends not to take but I ignored my fear and agreed to the plan. It was stupid in theory and I was lucky that he was a good guy that genuinely wanted to drive me to the restaurant like a real date.

After work on Friday, I got myself all fixed up for our date and headed out to meet him as planned. My hands were shaking as I pulled up his driveway. He walked over, smiled and gave me a big hug…at that minute I knew everything was going to be OK. We climbed into his car and headed over to the restaurant for dinner. When we arrived, he planted a kiss on me that made it difficult to stand. Was there chemistry? Hell yes there was. I thought to myself, buckle up girl…this is going to be one hell of a ride!

We enjoyed a wonderful dinner with lots of laughing, flirting and continuing where we left off in the grocery store less than one week ago. I enjoyed his stories of growing up in France and Morocco and was drawn in by kindness, his attention, his concern about me being happy and of course, his accent. I was happy and thoroughly enjoying the evening. I absolutely didn’t want it to end. I sensed that he felt the same.

After dinner we returned to his car and headed back to his home where my car was. He invited me inside and I absolutely accepted, hoping for the best and praying that trusting my gut was the right thing to do. He had a lovely home. Neat, clean and sparsely decorated. Not at all what I expected from a single man. I was pleasantly surprised and felt quite comfortable from the start. He offered me a drink and we sat down on the couch to pick a movie to watch. He asked if I had seen “A Star is Born”, since I had not, he said that I needed to see it. I happily agreed and then he started the movie. It was a love story with music that I really enjoyed. I was snuggled up next to this man and felt completely at ease, happy and safe in his arms as we watched the movie. That’s when he kissed me for the second time and is also the exact moment that my life was forever changed for the better.

He paused the movie and took me by the hand to his bedroom. I will not say that we made love because there was nothing gentle about what we did in that room. What we experienced was pure passion, energy and raw animal instinct. He took me hard as if he knew that it was exactly what I needed. He told me that I was a good girl and my heart melted. He then reminded me that we had a movie to finish so we got dressed, he started a pot of tea and we settled into the couch to continue the love story that we started watching. When she sang the song “Always Remember Me this Way” he whispered in my ear that this was our song. We needed to always remember this night. He held me tight in arms, gave me the occasional kiss and asked me if I was happy. When I told him that I was very happy because I was in my safe place, his response was a simple “good” and kissed my forehead. I fell in love with this man with that kiss.

By the time the movie was ending it was nearly three o’clock in the morning. This was partly my fault due to my employment. I was on call and of course received a complicated page that required me to work while at his home for about an hour. He was so kind, understanding and patient. He paused the movie for a second time while I worked. We drank our tea while I dealt with the emergency at the hospital and when it was finally resolved, I apologized. I felt so bad for having to do that during our date but I was not able to let it wait until morning. He just hugged me and told me it was okay. I told him that I probaly should go home, even though I really didn’t want to leave, since I had a long drive and it was really late. He wouldn’t let me leave though. He was worried about me driving home that late and wanted me to stay. I was exhausted and it was late so I agreed to stay for what was left of the night. I climbed into his bed, snuggled into him and instantly fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Who is this incredible man? All I knew was that he had stolen my heart that night and I definitely did not want that first date to end. When morning came…so did I…several times before I went home. I knew without a doubt that this was just the beginning of many adventures together.

The adventure continues…

August 10, 2019

Another week has already passed. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes now. I try to slow it down, but I can faintly hear it laugh as it passes at an ever-increasing speed. I try not to focus on the small bumps in the road and to keep my mind on the big picture, the life journey and everyone who has joined my adventure.

They say that time flies when you are having fun…but it also flies when you are just plain busy. I look around me and can create a mental list of many things I need to do today. A little tidying up around the house, general housecleaning that just can’t get done with long work days and commuting, preparing for the imminent start of the school year and a trip to France and Morocco that is closing in on me quickly.

If I merely look at the past year, I see so much positive change:

  • I started a new job, with new responsibilities and accountability. It has been scary, challenging and an incredible learning experience. The stress has been well worth all the benefits of a new career path with an incredible organization.
  • I have seen the end of Elementary and Middle school in my home. I have four smart, well-adjusted, happy and successful children. They amaze me every day and I am so incredibly proud of the young adults that they are becoming. I see them doing amazing things in the future and truly being productive and amazing influences in the world.
  • God help me…I have another driver in the house! Exciting for him and stressful for me. I love the independence that he will now have but his mom is going to worry about his safety every time he leaves my driveway. He is a smart kid though and I know he will continue to make the smart decisions that he always makes. Three down…one to go!
  • My oldest just moved into a new college apartment with some friends. They are an incredible group of young adults with good heads on their shoulders. I am so proud of the organization, planning, budgeting and preparation that she has done to prepare for this move. She organized everything and made it happen. A truly amazing young woman with a big heart. She makes me so proud every single day.
  • Mon amore…how is it possible that it has been five months already? I cannot remember my life without him and look forward to so many more adventures in the future. The countdown continues for our trip overseas…I am so excited and absolutely petrified all at the same time. Two weeks of travel and quality time together. It is exactly what we need. Two weeks to focus on us, our relationship, his family our future and just enjoying life…no work, errands, yardwork and everyday stressors. I am so excited to meet his family and friends while we are there and to see the places he remembers fondly as a child and young adult. I will be truly dependent on him to guide me through the many language barriers and to navigate the cultural customs of the places we will visit. I am learning French as quickly as I can so I can communicate with his family and trying to learn about the customs of both countries so I can visit confidently and show everyone the respect they deserve. I am so appreciative of this opportunity and truly cannot wait to begin this journey! He takes wonderful care of me, shows me his love and guidance daily and I feel thankful every day that he has found me.

Time really does fly when you’re having fun! I have learned to join in the laughter as I hear time and its’ whispered laugh in my ear as it passes. It used to scare me…it passed so slow as a child and then picked up speed as the years went by. All the things I would put off until I had more time or money but you never get more time…you simply need to learn to use the time you have wisely. Life is an adventure…a great learning experience that is meant to be enjoyed and not wasted. There are lots of twists and turns…it’s like being in a choose your own adventure book. Go to page 38 if you choose to board the plane…or continue reading on the next page if you are afraid to take a chance and want to take the easy road. Sure, you will survive life on what is perceived as the easy path as you complain about life’s difficulties but without putting in the effort to leave your comfort zone you will never be truly happy. I have made tough decisions; I am stronger and happier because of each of them. I am choosing to board the plane. I have chosen my adventure and am fortunate to have the most amazing people to share the journey with…it is time to start packing my bags and preparing for page 38!

🎶🎶…and the daffodils look lovely today 🎶🎶

Daffodil Lament by Delores Mary O’Riordan

August 3, 2019


As I sit here on a peaceful Saturday morning with my cup of coffee, I can’t help but to reflect on my life, experiences that I have had, both good and bad, and decisions that I have made. My journey has taken so many twists and turns. No one has a straight line journey, we all take detours and stray from the path at times. We just need to hope that we find our way back again.

I am fortunate to have found my way back after a detour in the wrong direction. I was lost in the wilderness and fighting my way back, I am fortunate to have found my way with no permanent scars. No experience is wasted and this one has taught me so very much about who I am, who I need in my life and who I need to keep out of my life. One thing I have learned is that standing up for yourself, closing a door and locking it, is far from running away. This is growth and knowing when to walk away from negative and harmful energy. It is also one of the most difficult things I have done and it has been proven to me over and over again that it was also one of the smartest things I have decided to do.

That closed door has now been sealed. I will not ever open it again…because opening it would drag me right back into the poisonous atmosphere where the drama lives. People talking about and using each other, manipulation and lies, and the constant judgement in a lifestyle that likes to brag about their lack of judgement and willingness to accept each other for who they are. If you are a person who can openly say that you do not trust or like someone but only keep them around because they do something for you…we absolutely cannot be friends. I truly question if we ever were…I was being used too. I do not use people for what they can do for me. I spend time with people and choose my friends because I enjoy spending time with them and because I genuinely like them. I fell for the lies and so have so many others…eventually they will see it too. I won’t be there to see it happen nor do I want to be because I have happily moved on and am in a healthy place. I slammed that door shut and bolted it.

I am now at peace and I am happy. The drama is GONE. My rose-colored glasses have been put away and I can see with clarity. It is fascinating to me that removing one person that you thought was a positive and supportive part of your life can prove your fear that he/she is actually the cause of all the problems. Simple proof is when all the issues vanish with them. I can breathe again. I wake in the morning well rested with a smile as I stretch the sleep away. I do not miss any of it…at…all.

Today, I sit with a smile as I enjoy a warm and sunny morning with my coffee. I look forward to the day as I anticipate spending time with my amazing kids and the most amazing, loving and supportive man that is in my life. He has lovingly guided me back on my path which has merged with his. We are now on this journey together and I can see that the path ahead is exciting, positive and full of love. Instead of having constant twists, turns and bumps on my path, we hold hands and follow the gentle curve of the path. As he holds me in his arms, I feel safe, happy and loved. Life is good.

The daffodils truly do look lovely today. 🎶🎶🎶

Heartbroken…betrayed…disappointed…frustrated…moving on…drama free…content…happy!

July 21, 2019

I don’t think you always realize that you have been dragged onto the drama rollercoaster until you are fully riding the ride and looking for the controller to shut it off so you can exit.

I willingly climbed onto the rollercoaster in March, 2018. It was the day I went to my very first munch. This was the day my life changed. I was petrified to walk into the restaurant because I have a deep and dark secret. I have severe social anxiety. I am working hard to get over this but I continue to struggle. When I walk into a public place filled with people I don’t know, I have an irrational fear that I am being watched and silently judged. I am fully aware that the majority of people are not giving me a second thought but the feeling causes extreme anxiety and makes me feel very self-conscious. In an effort to make myself less scared, I stand up tall, force myself to keep my head up and I put a big smile on my face…I am all too aware that if you look confident you tend to feel confident as well. It works for me…the down side of this is that there are usually other people working on their insecurities and when they see you feeling confident and strong…they misread your confidence as you thinking you are better than them. In the end, their insecurities show their own weakness…if you are submissive and Dominants in the room think you have more confidence than they do…well hold on tight because that rollercoaster is now climbing to the first hill and it is going to drop fast when it reaches the top.

So, I walked into that room and was welcomed by a few people that I had spoken to online prior to my arrival. They were friendly but I could feel myself being watched and judged. It was fair because I was coming into an established group. They needed to trust me as much as I needed to trust them. In the end, it felt like a successful night. I made some friends and planned to spend time socially with everyone again soon after.

I should be clear now…I was not new to BDSM and kink on the day of that first munch. I had previously been in a relationship with a Dominant and had learned that I truly enjoyed my kinky side. The part that was new and scary for me was to be in the kink community, owning my kinky self in public and embracing who I really am on the inside. I am a timid, sweet, empathic, silly and kind woman who has learned to be outspoken and to stand up for herself. I am respectful and demand the same respect in return. Unfortunately, I am also very trusting. Too trusting. I tend to see the good in people and assume that people have the same good intentions that I do when they really don’t. This opens me up to being taken advantage of and feeling used.

So this rollercoaster started slow, like a kiddy ride. Sure, there were ups and downs with some minor drama that would happen, but I helped when I could and tried to stay out of the rest. What I have learned is that some people enjoy the drama and create it when the ride seems to be slowing down. This happened to me over and over again throughout the last year. Was it all in fun and a Dom mind-fuck or was he just being cruel? I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and play along. Many times it was fun but it would turn mean and make me feel bad. I guess sometimes that those who call themselves Dominant feel the need to make others feel small so they can feel better and stronger and more in control. Congratulations…you made a scared girl cry. I’m sure you feel tough now. I was never able to let my wall down with this group…I tried and I wanted to but I didn’t trust everyone to keep me safe and not damage my psychological health. I am typically a happy girl and live a stressful but really happy life. I work hard and am surrounded by a loving family. I do not have an interest in spending time with anyone that makes me feel stressed socially.

The rollercoaster picked up speed over the last three months. I was getting verbally attacked and judged when I would go out and it was unacceptable. I didn’t understand why it was happening. I had never done anything to anyone there. I didn’t even have communication outside of the munches. I did date a lot in the last year. I was seeking a long term relationship and made several mistakes along the way. Apparently, I was supposed to chose one of the Doms in the group to submit to because they would train me well. Whatever…I am not going to just submit to some guy because he has a self-inflated ego and calls himself a Dominant. The person that I was seeking was a man who I felt attracted to, enjoyed his company in a vanilla setting while having a strong sexual connection and felt that a long-term relationship where I would trust his influence on my children was probable and he could be introduced and blend in with my family dynamic. So no…not just anyone will meet the qualifications. Do I look down on anyone that does not meet these qualifications? Hell no…not at all…they are not a match for me as a relationship but certainly I respect them as friends and enjoy spending time socializing with every one of them.

My current state…I got off the rollercoaster about a month ago. One of the Doms crossed the line one time too many. I already wrote about my decision to take my happiness back. I did exactly that too. After I wrote my journal entry, I signed onto my FetLife profile and cleaned it up. I deleted many people that brought negative energy into my life. I deleted all of my pictures and most of my journals. I had a few more unfriend and block me which made me giggle a little because all they really did was save me a step. When I was done, I walked away and spent three weeks in peace without thinking about any of them.

Little did I know, there was at least one who was obsessing about me and discussing to anyone that would listen just how awful I was. Apparently, I can’t be trusted because I was dating a lot previously but the fact that I am in a relationship with significant plans for the future didn’t matter. There is also the very big issue that I am not interested in a 24/7 high protocol relationship. That makes me a very bad submissive. Umm…ok. The approval of those outside my relationship are completely insignificant to me. Our dynamic is a healthy one. We have mutual respect and live a mainly vanilla daily life but I know my boundaries and there are certain things that I absolutely do not argue. When my life gets too overwhelming, he steps in and takes action to control the tornado whirling in my head. He quiets my storm and returns the calm waters. I love him and I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I will not conform to the expectations of the group when it comes to my personal life and dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant/Daddy. You do you…and I will do me the way that makes us happy.

Why do I care if this man is talking about me behind my back? I honestly don’t. I was dragged back into the drama because he was venting about me to my bestie. He spewed all kinds of hate in my direction and she delivered on cue. She told me all about the nasty things that he was saying about me. Told me that he never wanted to play with me because he didn’t trust me…bahahahaha…no, he didn’t play with me because I never invited him. I didn’t trust him to honor my boundaries and limits and quite honestly I had zero attraction…zero. No, he would never play with me…even if he wanted to. So, I was sucked back in…defending myself to someone I have no contact with anymore. Trying to help my bestie in her quest to say the right thing when she was questioned at the next munch. How about this…how about just not talking about me at all?! It didn’t stop with me though…conversations were being had about another friend too. Things shared in confidence were being discussed “on accident”. If you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? The intent was to hurt me but what ended up happening is he hurt her the most. I am angry and I am hurt that she would continue to spend time with him, knowing what he does to me. She calls him a dick and says that she doesn’t trust him and yet she involves him in her life. There are women that she says can’t be trusted and that she doesn’t like, yet she keeps talking to them and gossiping with them because they drive her places she wants to go. She talks about me and another friend and shares our secrets. I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. It makes me wonder why she has kept me around…what did I provide to her? I was always honest and helped her any way that I was able and in the end, the friendship ended because she was greedy. All the people she warned us not to trust are the ones that she was maintaining friendships with by sharing her gossip on her rides to various functions. Anytime I questioned what she was doing, she always said that she talks to them because they give her rides places. Ouch. My friends are friends because I enjoy spending time with them not because they provide me with something I need.

It is time to climb off the rollercoaster. I shut down the rides’ power last month but I was still buckled in. Today, I managed to remove the seatbelt. I closed that chapter in my book and have begun a new one. I am planning a trip with my love to Europe to meet his family this fall. I am enjoying the remaining days of the summer with my family and friends. I have deleted my FetLife and Kik accounts to keep the drama out of my life and I don’t miss them in the slightest. All the negative people that were in my life can continue their ride on the rollercoaster and have their fun, I will not be joining them in the ride to nowhere. I’m sure the gossip continues and she pretends to be a good person while she uses people that she calls friends to their faces. I know the truth though. If you have something they want or need, you will become a friend very quickly but they will turn on you faster than you can anticipate it happening if you have your guard down. I believe in karma though and everything sorts itself out in the end. I’m just glad I won’t be there to sift through the drama and be expected to defend and help put all the pieces back together. I have everything I want in my life and I am truly happy. No one can take that away.

As I release this journal, the events within it become part of my past, to be looked upon only as a learning experience. Something that can no longer hurt me.

Today is the first day of my new life and I can’t wait to start the adventure!

The day I chose to take my happiness back…

6.17.19

At the beginning of the year, I fully intended 2019 to be a year of growth, positive thinking and happiness. It is now the midpoint of the year and I find myself reflecting on a cold and rainy morning with a cup of coffee…wondering why it feels like a fall morning instead of the summer it should be.

That sounds dreary and negative. I admit that I have not felt like myself the last two weeks. A depression of sorts has washed over me. Perhaps it was the taste of not being invincible last week with my health scare. Nothing like being admitted to the hospital to make you think about life and time you’ve been wasting and people you’re wasting it on.

OK…that sounds negative too. Believe it or not, I am an exceptionally optimistic person. I typically describe the way I choose to see the world as my happy bubble…I choose to see the good in people. I truly believe that most people mean well and have good intentions…sometimes we just catch them on a bad day. My bubble smells like the beach and is filled with warmth, sunshine and pina coladas 🙂

Every once in a while someone comes along and try’s to pop my bubble. I get it…sometimes it is jealousy, sometimes it is because they are insecure, sometimes it just because they are miserable and unhappy and want everyone else to suffer with them. I feel sorry for these individuals. I don’t give up right away. I watch for a pattern though and I give them time. Maybe they just need to get to know me more. All I want in life is for everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along. I have a need to be surrounded by people who have positive energy, are optimistic and empower me just as I will do for them. Once these individuals have let me down and I see that their negative energy is effecting me, I choose to remove them from my life permanently. I don’t do it to be mean or as an insult or anything else…I remove them because the relationship is not positive and they are causing harm to me. I simply remove the risk of additional harm and the weight that comes off my shoulders from this act is liberating.

Over the last month, maybe it is because of the health scare I had, I re-evaluated my life and those I have chosen to surround myself with. I have written before about being judged in the kink community, the one place where I should never feel that way. I was surrounded by some who believe in high protocol D/s and seemed to believe that I needed to pick someone to submit to so I could be controlled the way they thought it was needed. Here is the thing though…just because I don’t practice my kink the way you do, does not make me a brat or someone that cannot be trusted since I had not committed to anyone yet or have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. Relax friends, the taboo abusive word gets people so excitable sometimes. D/s is filled with the need for consent…I have consented to the play in my relationships and loved it…the abuse that I endured was psychological. No one sees that abuse because it happens behind closed doors. Again, I was punished by “friends” for ending that relationship and standing up for myself…later to find that most people did not like him anyway. Judgmental asshats. Still…I tried to maintain the friendships. They just didn’t understand.

I am human. In my happiness bubble, I have been fooled along the way and believed the words of a few men that I shouldn’t have. I ignored red flags. I heard what I wanted to hear. I was given a collar way before it was appropriate and I knew it was too soon, but I struggled to speak up for fear of being disrespectful of a dominant and insulting the gift. I was scorned by my “friends” and marked as untrustable because of this. The relationship obviously did not work out, which made it worse.

This is my opinion which obviously is not what my “friends” believe…but D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships in the beginning. It is dating people…plain and simple. You get to know each other, you go out to dinner, you talk about life and test for compatibility. Sometimes you know immediately that you are not compatible together, other times a few weeks to a couple months. In the end, if it doesn’t feel right, you have the right to end the relationship and shouldn’t be judged for it. My ideal relationship is not high protocol 24/7…I don’t have the time or interest in having someone control every aspect of my life. I own a home, I have teenagers, I have a demanding and high level position that needs me to think independently and not worry about what my Dominant will think if I run late today…he is extremely important in my life, but cannot be my number one priority 24/7. My children and employment are priority number 1. It is up to me to ensure that they are happy, safe and loved…the employment allows me to do that. In order for me to see a future in the relationship, I have to believe that he would be a positive influence on my children and someone I could trust to be in their vicinity. Any red flags in that arena and you bought your one way ticket out of my life. There is more to a relationship than good sex for me. I may be submissive but I am a fiercely protective mom and show respect to those around me…I expect the same in return.

I guess that brings me to my recent growth. It was with a heavy heart that I scrolled through my FetLife friend list last week. I had given myself time to think about all the events that have occurred in the last year…both positive and negative. I looked at the names and asked myself if they added joy and positivity to my life. As I scrolled though the names, I found myself thinking about how I need to be guarded when I am in their presence…I can’t be myself without them judging me or making comments that made me feel bad. Why do I allow people to do this to me? What…because I am involved in the kink community I am not allowed to be my silly and happy self? What kind of bullshit is that? No…these people were becoming toxic. The last straw that I was not able to let go of came from the last munch. I was having a fun conversation with one of the women, waiting for my boyfriend/dominant to arrive. We talking about travel and fun places to go for a weekend. I didn’t see him walk in…all I felt was his hand on my shoulder. I jumped up and gave him a hug and kiss as soon as I saw him. When I sat back down, a dominant friend across the table called me a narcissist for my behavior. Apparently, I should have been just staring at the door…waiting for him to arrive and then greeting him appropriately. Well…that isn’t the expectation of my dominant. I laughed it off and said that I didn’t see him come in because I was in my own little world and having a conversation…then he reminded me that this was what a narcissist is…focused on self. Here’s the thing though…a narcissist is actually a personality disorder. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my life is based on empathy for others, helping people and that I avoid excessive attention. When I get thrown into the center of attention, I try to divert it with humor. It’s better to laugh than to cry. This was not the first time that I felt like I was being attacked by this “friend” so I decided that if he was really the friend he claims to be, he wouldn’t keep going out of his way to make me feel like shit. Now that the name calling had begun though, I decided that I needed to determine if this was a situation I wanted to keep finding myself in. I won’t tolerate bullying and judgmental behavior from those that I thought were my friends. If the relationship is not mutually beneficial by creating joy, then it is not really a friendship.

Spending time with this group is no longer creating joy in my life. So, I have chosen to move forward with a happy face…liberated from the toxic environment that I had allowed myself to be sucked into. I have decided to take a break from the kink community as well. What started as a liberating and amazing experience has left me questioning everything. I don’t need the kink community events to enjoy what I love with my Dominant. Our relationship and the dynamic we choose to enjoy does not need the approval of that narrow-minded man and his followers.

I can now breath again…I can move forward in my happy bubble which is now intact again. The negativity has been removed from my life and I can feel the stress and anxiety melt away. This will be the last time I think of them because dwelling on the negative gives them power over me and I will not allow them to steal another second of my valuable time. Cheers to my wonderful friends and loving Dominant…life is good 🙂

My Health Scare…A Wake-up Call

Grate-ful

Feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful

June, 9, 2019

I learned a few things this week…

  1. Cardiac symptoms are horrifying and the feeling of helplessness and fear that accompanies them is something I never want to feel again.
  2. I suck as a patient.
  3. I don’t ever want to be in the hospital again, unless I am working.
  4. I have an amazing Daddy…although I already knew this, my health crisis made me see that I can truly lean on him when I need to. He helped to keep me calm, held me and reminded me that he was there for me and that I was going to be ok.
  5. My family was more supportive and positive than they have been in years. Relationships were mended.
  6. I need to make some changes. This will absolutely never happen again.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to truly appreciate what you have. I thought I was having a heart attack. I am a nurse and am very familiar with the signs and symptoms of a heart attack. I have triaged many people with these symptoms and have sent them to the ED to be evaluated. Everyone says that they don’t want to waste their time in the ED if it’s nothing. Don’t be a fool…get checked out. Better to be alive and in the hospital than dead at home, right? The problem is that when it is you, it is really hard to determine if it is for real or symptoms of something else that are non-emergent. We are really good at rationalizing all the reasons that the symptoms we are having are probably nothing…there is no way this is happening to you. Why? Probably because some heart attacks are sudden and intense…but most start slowly, with mild pain or discomfort. The symptoms are easily blamed on other things that are less serious.

  1. Chest Discomfort. Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes – or it may go away and then return. It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain. It can feel like heartburn we  blame on whatever we recently ate…there is no way this is a heart attack…right? Wrong…it definitely could be.
  2. Discomfort in other areas of the upper body. Symptoms can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, numbness and tingling in one or both arms, tightness in the neck, pain in the jaw or back. Yeah, I had most of those…but I just ate a big breakfast…I probably shouldn’t have had that last bite. How many of us blame these symptoms on everything except what it really is?
  3. Shortness of breath. This can occur with or without chest discomfort. If you are having all the symptoms again…maybe you are having anxiety now and feel short of breath? Yep…that was my rationalization…because it can’t be my heart…no way am I doing this. Not today.
  4. Other signs. Other possible signs include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness. Fuuuck…sweating…my hair is now wet, my face, arms and legs are sweaty…I can barely sit up straight and I’m so lightheaded that I am afraid I am going to fall right off the chair. This is it…the last straw…I can’t blame this on my breakfast anymore.

I was sitting in a restaurant last weekend with Daddy, having a late breakfast. I had just started on some new medication the day before, a water pill to remove all the water that is collecting in my legs. I have no idea why I have bilateral lower extremity edema but when I am on my feet and/or its hot outside, it is 3+ pitting edema and it makes me short of breath with activity. How do you exercise if your body won’t let you? Walk more, they say…I can’t. It’s not because I am out of shape…although I am now…its mainly because I have so much retained water. I can’t breathe. It has become a vicious cycle.

I sought out help from my PCP and she started me on these low dose water pills. I lost 7 pounds on the first day and I felt amazing. I was optimistic at the change that had begun and what I had in store for myself.  At breakfast, it was about 3 hours after taking my second dose of medicine. I was happy and we were talking about how we wanted to spend the day together. I was calm and relaxed, then I abruptly felt nauseous followed by abdominal cramping and pain. Within about a minute, I started sweating. I was drenched from head to toe. Daddy said that I lost all color in my face and then I became lightheaded and came dangerously close to passing out. I was so scared and I could hear the concern and fear in his voice as he asked me if I was ok…did I want him to call 911? Oh hell no…there is no way this is 911 worthy…or is it? Fuck…am I going to die in a restaurant? Not today. The episode lasted about 4-5 minutes before I started to feel like I could stand up safely. I walked to the bathroom, got my face wet and found myself in a recovery period. The waitress came in to make sure I was ok. That meant he was worried about me being in there alone where he couldn’t see me. I shakily came out, he had already paid the bill, and as we got in the car, I asked him to take me to the hospital. If it was a heart attack, I was petrified that another one would be coming and it would be worse than the last.

The next 4 hours are a blur to me. It didn’t feel like 4 hours because I was still dizzy and was having trouble focusing on what was happening. Lots of labs were drawn. I had a chest xray…a CT of the brain…ultrasounds of the legs. I looked at my nurse and said…ok…these are not cardiac tests…does he think I have a PE? OMG…that is actually worse! Yes…she told me that he is ruling it out because of my symptoms and the normal cardiac tests. No heart attack, sinus rhythm, normal troponin…of course we are looking for blood clots. I know the routine. Then the tests started coming back…normal CT, no shift, no hemorrhage. Normal D-dimer and ultrasound…no blood clots. Chest x-ray is clear and heart is not shifted. No PE. No stroke. That’s all great news…but what is wrong then? This couldn’t be anxiety…I was calm, happy and optimistic when it happened. It was a vaso-vagal response according to the doctors. A sudden drop in my blood pressure and pulse that caused all the symptoms. All was normal now though. I could go home. I needed to follow up with my PCP. No more water pills until I talk to her and follow up with a cardiologist. I was shook up but relieved. We went to my parents house where I was going to spend the night and let my mom keep an eye on me for the following day…no work for me.

The next day went well. I was feeling better, a little weak but closer to my normal self. Toward the end of the day, I received a call from my PCP office telling me that she wants me to restart the medication and see her in 2 days. Well…ok…but I don’t like the sound of this. Now I’m afraid it will happen again. I think it is the medication that is doing this. I will try to be the patient though and follow the direction of my doctor. I was lightheaded and couldn’t concentrate the next day at work for a few hours after taking the new first dose. Then it passed and I started feeling better. OK…I just needed to get used to it I guess. All is good.

The next day, I took it again. No dizziness. I got a lot of work done…I drank lots of water. Then left work a little early to go to my follow up appointment. I was listening to music, had the windows open and felt pretty good. Then it happened again. My arms we heavy and tingly…I had a heaviness in my chest and throat…I was a little lightheaded and there was nowhere to pull over. I was stuck in construction traffic 4 minutes away from the office. I cranked the air conditioning and put my arms up over my head. Deep breaths…its ok…its not a heart attack…its your blood pressure again…these damn pills. Fuck. I really hate this. The next 5 minutes felt like an eternity as I fought the lightheadedness and made my way to the office. I looked at my apple watch and saw that it recorded a heartbeat of 46…lovely…now it isn’t just my blood pressure…its bradycardia too. Excellent.

The appointment went well. Nothing seems to be wrong other than the medication creating side effects. She agrees that it is time to stop them and see a cardiologist. We need to know why I am retaining the fluid…she isn’t saying what she thinks is the cause but I know what she is thinking. She wants me to see a cardiologist because she thinks it could be heart failure or a valve issue. Great. I went home and still didn’t have any answers. This could easily happen again. I drank water…a lot of water. I wanted my fluid volume to come back up so the blood pressure would level out. I improved through the evening but still had a few low blood pressure and pulse issues in the morning. I thought it would have been better by now. I made my commute to work and had a decent day. My pulse was low and I was monitoring it pretty close because I worried that it wasn’t going back to normal yet. Then in the afternoon, I felt pretty good. I got a lot of work done. Crisis averted!

Then it happened again. I was driving home from work and I started having tightness in my chest, numbness and tingling in my arms, fullness in my throat…fuck. It’s nothing, right? I don’t want to go back to the ED and be told its nothing…again. No…I’m going home. It’s fine. It will pass…I’ll keep hydrated and drink water.

It didn’t pass. By the time I finally got home I was stressed because I knew that the weakness I now had was the last straw and that there was no way I could ignore it. I asked my daughter to drive me to the local ED. They didn’t play any games. Another chest xray and lots more blood taken and then a doctor calmly telling me that I was being admitted to the tele unit because I had come in for the same thing twice in a week. They needed to figure out what was going on with me. I bought a sleepover party at the hospital this time. That is scary…I spend a lot of time in the hospital for work…I have not had to go through this process of being a patient though. It sucks and I just wanted to go home.

That first evening in the hospital was uneventful. I was scared of what was going to happen and what they were going to find, but two of my daughters were there and Daddy left work early to be there with me. I felt safe. So far my tests looked good. Labs were still normal. Chest xray was still normal. Then a hospitalist came in and asked me if I had ever had an echo or was previously told that I had heart failure. What? No….I’ve never been told that before. So this is what’s happening then…we are going to work me up to determine if I am in heart failure…I know what they are going to do before he even has the chance to tell me. I will be having a stress test and an echo before I go home. I am on a continuous heart monitor, have an IV and need to wear the compression device on my legs to prevent a DVT. It was getting late so my visitors went home to get some sleep now that the initial crisis was over.

More blood tests with normal results overnight, a stress test with imaging before and after the test, and an echocardiogram. Yep…all normal. My new favorite person, my cardiologist, tells me that I have a healthy heart. No coronary artery disease. No valve prolapse. No heart failure. I am ok. The water is probably from too much salt in my diet. The cardiac symptoms were a result of taking the water pills with a normal blood pressure along with losing a large amount of fluid quickly. I need to start exercising more and make improvements to my diet. I can take the water pills when I notice the water building up but don’t need to take it every day.

I can go home. I just got my do-over. I am one of the lucky ones…this was a wake-up call to tell me that I needed to find a way to manage my stress, get more active again and to be grateful for what I have instead of worrying about everything that isn’t going smoothly.

Today, I am grateful. I am grateful for my amazing Daddy. He takes wonderful care of me. He respects me and he loves me. I am a lucky girl to have him in my life. I am grateful to my amazing family. My kids dropped everything and stepped up to take care of things at home when I wasn’t there and spent the evening and next day at the hospital with me, never complaining about being stuck there…not even once. They are amazing kids and I am grateful to them for being them every day. My parents and sister and brother were an amazing support system in making sure that everyone was taken care of, offering to help in any way that I needed. I know they were worried but they never increased my stress…they were truly supportive and wonderful. My friends…I’m so grateful to my besties. They checked on me and made me feel loved and supported. I was scared and they helped me to keep my head on straight. Finally, I am grateful for my co-workers…my manager and director and others in the organization who were amazing throughout this week. They told me to take care of myself and didn’t make me feel like it was a problem to be away. They were generally concerned about my well-being. Not everyone has that and I am truly grateful for my work family.

I am a lucky girl and I am going to appreciate my life. When I get stressed and feel overwhelmed…I am going to try harder to remember all the good things that happened this week and everything that I have to be grateful for. Now…I’m going to have some oatmeal for breakfast and go for a walk.

Je suis contente

Happy [hap-ee] adjective, happier, happiest.

  1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
  2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
  3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
  4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas

Synonyms: cheerful, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, joyful, joyous, jubilant, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, pleasant, pleased, thrilled, upbeat, blessed, captivated, gleeful, gratified.

I have not journaled in a long time. I don’t like to write just because I think I should. I write sometimes out of stress, occasionally for self-therapy as a way to express myself and to validate my feelings and today I write from a peaceful place. It pleases me immensely that my followers enjoy and relate to my writing but truthfully, I write for me. I write because it makes me feel good and allows me to look back at my experiences and feelings and growth.

Today, I write from the dining room table in the house of my amazing boyfriend, lover, daddy, and safe place. He is my happy place. I can hear him outside mowing the lawn while I prepare dinner inside, listening to music and just smiling to myself. I sit here reflecting on relationships gone wrong, poor choices and how all those lessons led me to him at the exact right time.

A good friend has always told me that I am perfect. As he mentored me, he made me repeat it to him every time I saw him. It made me uncomfortable at first but I recognize that it was an exercise in loving myself, to quit being so hard on myself and not to change myself for anyone other than for me. I love me. I’m a strong, smart, pretty, funny, driven, trusting and loving follower that tries to see the good in everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have been fooled and taken advantage of by bullies, liars and narcissistic men who were foolish enough to think that I would tolerate those characteristics once I learned who they really were when they weren’t on stage in front of my friends.

I see it now. My lessons learned are clear as day and I can see them because this wonderful man has opened my eyes. When I met him two months ago, I thought he was too good to be true. No one is this nice, caring, loving and generous. I was guarded and waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for this man to show his true colors and make me feel foolish, broken and devastated. Guess what…he is every bit as incredible today as he was that first day and he keeps getting better as our relationship grows stronger.

As I try to evaluate our path and the things that have gone right compared to the failures in the past, I have found a few things that have become keys to our success.

Open and honest communication. This has become our cornerstone. Without the ability to feel safe being open and honest, we have nothing. I feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings and he does the same. As we have talked and shared simple daily thoughts and dreams, we have learned just how much we have in common and our bond continues to strengthen because of this.

We have made a point to always send a good morning text…every…single…morning, no matter how busy our day is about to be. This has been what starts my day for two months and how I start my stressful days with a smile. “Bonjour babe, je t’aime. Je te souhaite une journee agreeable”.  Seriously…what the fuck…makes my heart race just reading it here.

This leads us to my French lessons. Sure, I learned a bit in school but I sucked at it. Now, I feel inspired to remember the things that I previously learned and continue to try to learn more. I have a goal to learn more and become conversational. French is his native language and the language his family continues to speak at home in Paris. I have met his mother via facetime and I would love to be able to speak to her without him translating for us. He talks about going home in the fall and bringing me with to meet his family. I want to be able show the respect to his family by speaking in their language as much as I can when we are there. We speak in French when I can so my vocabulary is slowly growing…I speak at the level of 5 year old but you have to start someplace and I am determined to improve.

We both find it critical for our relationship to speak on the phone every night before going to sleep and have never missed a night. Sometimes that call to say goodnight becomes a 2-hour conversation with laughs and a French lesson. Bon nuit daddy. Bon reve. Tu me monque. Gros bisou. Je t’aime. How do you not fall asleep with a smile every night after that?

We laugh, he makes me dance, he gives an amazing spanking when I need it (and lets face it…I need it a lot), he dehydrates me (thank goodness for tarps!) and I can honestly say that no one has ever fucked me like he does…damn! We go on dates, we do domestic shit around the house, we go out dancing with friends, we go to munches, we cook together, and we just enjoy cuddling and watching a good movie together. He is my leader. I trust him and have no reason to question his decisions. He takes care of me and never tries to make me feel small or weak. He empowers me, makes me feel beautiful and loved and is always making sure I am happy and feel safe. He has rescued me when my car broke down…twice…and makes me feel safe and secure when I am stressed and overwhelmed.

We also recognize that it is important to set goals and plans. It gives you a reason to wake up with a smile and provides something to work toward…even more so when you write it down. Accountability is important. We have goals and plans. We want to visit Nashville this summer. We want to visit France and Morocco in the fall and I want to learn more French prior to going on this trip. We want to make a plan to be together, to get that adorable house in the country with a hot tub, fireplace, four-wheelers and a dungeon 😉 Goals are what make us look forward to the future with a smile.

As I sit here writing, I look up and see him looking at me, smiling, as we listen to the lyrics to the songs from “A Star is Born”, the movie we watched the first night we were together. The love story and the music speaks to me. I said that I thought the lyrics were powerful…his response…”yes, like us”. He is right…we have a powerful bond full of love and passion. The lyrics to these songs are something we both keep coming back to months after that first date. We have hit the golden buzzer…independently yet simultaneously. I am delighted. I am peaceful. I am blessed.

Je suis contente.

Kinky Kollege Spring Break 2019

The endorphins continue to course through my veins. I’m home but my head is still in subspace and I can see the drop that is inevitably coming on the horizon. Three days and two nights of new experiences, bonding with old friends and absorbing the energy that is Kinky Kollege.

The drive home was uneventful. I felt like my happy self, singing my favorite music in the car as I made the drive home, still feeling the high of being submerged into the world of BDSM for the last 50 straight hours. I was a little sleepy, a little sore, but otherwise what feels like my normal self. I wrestled all my things into the house, hugged my kids, unpacked, and made dinner for my family. In the instant that I crossed the threshold of my home, I went from being the submissive restrained to a cross in the dungeon to a mom and all the stressors and demands that come with my daily life as I was thrown back into reality. It’s this reality that has me sitting here in my quiet living room, my kids all going about their evening, and that’s when the subdrop started. I miss my Daddy, my Besties, my friends and the energy from the weekend. I feel sad but not really sad. That’s the wrong word…I had an amazing weekend and it ended in an insanely happy and satisfying way…I am just not ready to face the world and my demanding life yet. I am sad that the weekend is over already.

Five months ago, I attended my first Kinky Kollege. It was eye opening and not only did I stomp some of my own personal boundaries into the ground, but I learned a lot about myself. A great deal has happened, both good and bad, in those 5 months that have elapsed and I looked forward to attending for my second time with excitement instead of anxiety. This Kinky Kollege experience did not disappoint. I walked into the private party space confident, now having prior memories of what the experience would include. I felt instantly comfortable wandering around and refamiliarizing myself with my surroundings. I excitedly unpacked all my bags into my hotel room that I jokingly noticed came supplied with a spanking bench. My besties and I all prepared ourselves for the evening in the dungeon together, excitedly getting dressed, applying our makeup and fixing our hair while singing and giggling as we put ourselves together to be our most confident selves.

Hotel room supplied with a spanking bench..how perfect!

I will admit that I was torn though. My Daddy accompanied me for the weekend but was not able to obtain a ticket to the event. He encouraged me to enjoy my time with my friends and wanted me to enjoy the dungeon. He not only gave me permission but he told me to play and have fun with my friends. When it was time to descend to the play space, he walked with us to the escalator, reminded me to have fun in the dungeon with my friends, and kissed me as I descended down to the event. I did as I was told, and accepted some light play in the form of some spanking and flogging at the cross by my protector. I think we all mostly just wanted to feel the energy but not wear ourselves out for the weekend on the first night. I went up to my room early so I could enjoy the real fun with mon Daddy in our room…our own private dungeon. He did not disappoint and we realized the genius in my plan to bring a tarp and an extra sheet for our bed so we could play without a care in the world.

Waiting for Daddy…

Saturday was a fun-filled day that started with a smile as I woke up in Daddy’s arms, my happy place. We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast, I went to a great class, had an emotional experience at Tapas as I fought my demons and then had a small group get together in our room for some laughs and dinner before getting ready for night two in the dungeon.

I was given the opportunity to have an incredible scene with a friend again, as I did at the last Kinky Kollege. He is the one who is responsible for helping me to smash my inhibitions into the ground in the dungeon, allowing myself to enjoy the scene that was skillfully crafted. I eagerly accepted the opportunity to play again, to be “warmed up” for my Daddy and was in a non-coherent subspace shortly after feeling the wrist cuffs clip to the cross.

The scene is now a blur of incoherent memories for me now…but I do remember smelling the leather of the flogger, and feeling both the stingy and thuddy sensations of various floggers and paddles and the dragontail as it bit the skin. I remember going through a series of responses that ranged from moaning, to growling and then outright laughing from the overwhelming sensation that I can no longer distinguish as pleasure or pain. I remember eventually being turned around, facing any observers and seeing the sadistic glint in the eyes of my friend expertly wielding that dragontail and not caring that I was standing there, restrained with my arms above me, wearing nothing but a garter belt and a pair of thigh high black nylons. At that moment…I didn’t care who saw me at my most vulnerable. I didn’t see anyone but the Dominant that now controlled me for these 45 minutes. I remember laughing and growling as the flogger descended upon my bare breasts and then came up to sting with a sensation that was a combination of pleasure and pain at my dripping pussy. I have a memory of growling through the pain as a paddle struck my sensitive nipples and then letting out a startled scream as the dragontail snapped loud right next to me but not reaching just to have it lightly bite the skin seconds later…which of course induced uncontrolled laughing from me and encouragement to continue to my torturer. My goodness…is there anything better than a good mindfuck? As the scene ended, I was released from my restraints, given a big hug and shakily sat down in a chair to recover. I sat among friends and in a daze for a while before getting dressed and making my way upstairs to Daddy to tell him about my evening in the dungeon.

Of course, that’s when Daddy put my play collar on me and accepted the gift of his babygirl all warmed up and ready to follow his commands. My mind had been shut off…I just remember staring up at him…waiting for his direction as he put my play-collar in place and held the leash. The intense look in his eyes as he told me that I was a good girl. I was in an incoherent state and puddle of floating bliss when he removed the collar. I woke up in his arms, my safe and happy place, to the sound of his voice saying “Bonjour babygirl” and I just about melted. I was so happy and just a little sad because of the realization that it was already Sunday and we would need to pack up and head home in the next several hours. Another weekend gone way too fast. Je t’adore, Daddy! Bisous pour toi!

Overall, it was a truly amazing weekend. Yes, I fought a demon and won! I taught that son of a bitch who is in charge…and in this situation…it was me, the submissive taking control of the gate. That demon no longer has any power over me. I also made so many memories with friends new and old and bonded even closer with my besties and my Daddy. Many lessons were learned but most important, I had the opportunity to be me. Uninhibited, strong, and submissive. Thank you to all of my people…I love you all! I truly do not know where I would be without all of your support and love and kindness both at the event and in these days post-event. I truly cannot wait until October!

Facing my demon…and winning

March 31, 2019

Tapas. It is one of those experiences at Kinky Kollege that I truly look forward to. It is an opportunity to try new things that I otherwise might not get the opportunity to experience. It was fun the way it is meant to be and then I faced my demon. 

I knew it was a fear…I got in line knowing that it would be scary to be face to face with a man holding a cane. I was previously traumatized by a cane. I endured a non-consensual brutal (brutal to me…not so much to those who enjoy this kind of play) caning several months ago. It left me deeply bruised to the inner thigh and tit. I know that this is a sort of play that many thoroughly enjoy but I didn’t want it. I am a girl who enjoys pain during play but I am also a girl who needs to be with a Dominant who understands my need for a gentle touch and nurturing warm up that builds to the pain that I need to let go of my stress, emotions and thoughts. I unfortunately now know what a very hard strike with a cane feels like, in the form of unearned punishment and I am petrified of enduring it again. 

I stepped into the line with my besties, fully expecting to be nervous. I took one look at the table, with several canes of varying sizes displayed on it, and my heartrate increased, I was having trouble catching my breath, I was shaking and the tears silently rolled down my face. I was comforted by one of my besties and my protector as I watched my other bestie enjoy the caning demonstration skillfully delivered by a trusted friend and Dominant. I watched and felt my anxiety grow to levels that I didn’t expect to feel. I was experiencing a full panic attack and I felt weak and pathetic. 

I was approached by my friend, the one providing the demonstration opportunity. He helped me to breathe and encouraged me to let him help me fight my demon. I knew that that this implement did not have to be used brutally. I needed to feel that it didn’t’ have to be awful and traumatizing. I cried…I removed my dress and shakily climbed onto the spanking bench. Light taps…pain level barely a 2. I obviously could handle so much more across my ass but I still felt scared. He talked to me, helped me think about how low the pain level was and that I could handle a 4. I said yes, I wanted to feel a 4…it stung but it wasn’t that bad. OK…I am ready to feel a 6. Fuuuck…that stung and he made me laugh as he admitted it was probably a 6.25 so I could probably handle a 7…which, of course was a 7.75…making me prepared for the 8. This stung like a motherfucker and I felt like I had enough. I wasn’t panicked anymore. I felt ok..I did it!

Then I realized that I wasn’t done. I was now sitting instead of kneeling, wearing nothing but my panties, and I was going to feel the cane across my thigh. Once on each leg. I panicked….this is my trigger. I remembered being told to kneel with my knees apart and feeling that cane strike me at a 10/10 six times in rapid succession to my right inner thigh. I started shaking…crying but I didn’t move. I was reassured that it would be ok. It was. He waited until I said I was ready…strike one to the left leg…yes, it stung like hell but it was tolerable. I could see the stripe immediately. A few deep breaths and I nodded to accept the second one to the right thigh…with that snap of the cane…I felt my strength come back. I was shaking… tears ran down my face…but I felt strong. I faced my demon and I won. I showed that motherfucker that I am fucking resilient and will not be controlled by my fear anymore. I hugged my friend and thanked him for what he had done. 

A non-consensual caning after 10 days of healing…
A lovingly given cane strike a day after it was given.

It is amazing to me…the emotions that I feel when I look at these two photos…the same tool was used yet such drastic feelings that they evoke from my core.

Tonight, I am home, reflecting on my KK experience. I have a bruised stripe on each thigh and the sight of the lines do not make me feel panicked. They make me feel pride. He saved me from myself. He gave me a piece of myself back. The piece that was broken…the piece that I thought had been healed by time. Instead, it was healed with the help of friends and a cane in the skillful hand of a sadist that I trust with all of my being. You don’t find friends like that everyday and I am so thankful for his willingness to help me.

My self-punishment is worse than anything you can dish out…

March 13, 2019

As a submissive I have grown accustomed to rules and consequences. I am generally a good girl…sassy and silly but never intentionally bad because I truly detest being punished. As long as I can remember, there is no greater punishment for me than knowing that I have disappointed my Dominant. 

As a child, those Dominants were my parents. The look of disappointment was all they needed to have and I would crumble and the tears would run down my face. I vividly remember my parents being annoyed as they would say: “T…Why are you crying? Knock it off!” but I couldn’t. It is an involuntary stress response for me…they may as well have told me to stop digesting my breakfast. I would have had the same chance of completing that task especially because now they were more disappointed about the crying than they were about me not putting my cereal bowl into the dishwasher before I went out to play. 

Let’s face it…I had an incredible childhood with loving and supportive parents and had absolutely no reason to fear having them be angry or upset with me. As I grew older, I learned that the Dominant could also be a teacher or employer. I would shrink into myself and fight to control the tears when I was corrected or disciplined even for the slightest error. This can still happen and I have to prep myself for difficult conversations in the workplace to give myself the greatest chance of holding it together. It is debilitating to be this way. I have spent my entire adult life attempting to be stronger…to be less effected by what others think. 

I found my strength. I filed for divorce. I bought a home for myself and my kids in a new town. I went back to school, worked my ass off and earned by Master’s Degree, graduating with a 4.0 as a single mom, working full time with four kids. I was so busy that I barely knew how stressed I really was. Two years later, I have registered myself for another Master’s Degree. This time, my MBA. Pfft…I was a math minor in my first undergrad degree. I’m not afraid of taking some challenging classes. I know that I can handle it. Here’s the thing though. I finally realized that I can’t handle it right now. I am not a quitter but today I feel like one. 

Last week, I worked with the school to get enrolled and to start my journey. There was a glitch that prevented me from getting auto-registered on time. I had to send multiple emails and make several phone calls to straighten out my enrollment and financial aid because of that glitch. Then, 4 days into the 8-week session, I was finally enrolled, and I sat down to get the week one assignment completed just to realize that the booklist I had downloaded gave me the wrong name of the required book for the class. I was now unable to do the reading or the assignment. I went online and ordered the new book which arrived 2 days later than it was supposed to. Today, I was faced with feeling behind at work because I haven’t been bringing it home at night as I dealt with the school problems and needing to get 2 weeks of homework done in 4 days. I have not been myself since this started, I have had anxiety and felt unable to manage the stress of running my house, proving myself in a leadership position that has become more and more demanding and now school. Something has to give…for my sanity and the happiness of my family.

The tough realization that now is not the right time to be starting a new degree became painfully clear. I sat down with my laptop, and wrote the most difficult emails that I have had to write in a long time. I informed my instructor and the school that I would be dropping the class and the program altogether. I feel like a failure. I have been beating myself up all night because I quit something that was difficult. The subject matter wasn’t even that hard, but I couldn’t mentally handle putting that program into my life.

So, go ahead…punish me with a spanking and make me cry. The bruises will fade away but I will always remember this failure and the realization that disappointment in myself is even worse than the disappointment I’ve seen in the eyes of any Dominant in my life. Who knew?

When you realize your “Dom” isn’t the man you thought he was…

February 12, 2019

Fool 

Noun: A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person. Synonyms:idiot, ass, halfwit, nincompoop, blockhead, buffoon, dunce, imbecile, dullard, moron, clod.

Verb:Trick or deceive (someone); dupe. Synonyms:deceive, trick, hoak, dupe, mislead, delude, hoodwink, bluff, beguile, gull, outwit.

Yep…that’s me. I’m a fucking imbecile. We all make mistakes. We all have lapses of judgement. I know as well as anyone that hindsight is always 20/20. It doesn’t change me from feeling like a fucking nincompoop though. I could say that I hate him right now…but no, that would give him power over me and I have taken that back. He will not have any control over me or my emotions from this point on.

My first instinct was to erase that bastard from my life. Delete the journals that I have written that spoke of him as the wonderful man that I thought he was. The kind, strict, loving and trustworthy Dominant. The one who told me that he loved me and made me feel safe and calmed my storms. The man that abandoned me without a second thought. That isn’t who I am though. I’m horribly embarrassed for falling for him…for sharing my deepest feelings in writing…for sharing them for the world to see. Now…I have to decide. Do I also share my anger and grief? Yes…I think I do. 

He was torn. Faced with a decision. Relocate to Las Vegas with a promotion and substantial pay increase or stay here where he owns a home, has family and me. He asked me what I would do if he took the job. I told him that I did not want to be that girl. The one that makes a tough decision even tougher. I truly wanted him to make the decision that was right for him. If the job was important to him and it was good for his career, I thought he should seriously consider it. That wasn’t what he asked though and he reminded me of that. He was right…that wasn’t what he wanted to know at all. “Fine…I promised to always be honest…I would miss you. I would feel sad that you’re leaving because you just found me”. Then he hugged me and told me again that he loved me and not to worry. I felt at ease. He was my Daddy and wouldn’t hurt me. We would find a way to make it work if he took the job. All will be as it is if he doesn’t. It will be ok. I went home with a smile. 

Daddy was sick that night…he knew that before he decided that he wanted to see me. I knew I was going to be sick in a few days. I didn’t really care at the time though because I missed him and I knew it would be a few days before I would have another opportunity. That 20/20 hindsight reminds me what a selfish act that was though. He knew that he was going to make me ill…he was miserable and felt like shit. If he was the loving Dom that I thought he was…protecting me the way he promised….would he have done that? Set me up to potentially miss work and bring this virus into my home with my children? No…I think not. 

He was going to be gone for the weekend. A sports tournament for a children’s’ team that he coaches. Yes, he must have forgotten to tell me about that…quite the busy guy. Now I have a Dom who is nursing a man cold, barely texting because he is very dramatic when he is sick, while worrying about this decision that needs to be made while out of town coaching kids in a travel sports tournament. I fully expected to have minimal communication over the weekend. What I did not expect is near radio silence.

A brief message that he was headed out and would text me the next morning is what I received. Really? He didn’t want to check in on me later that night? Ouch. Saturday morning, I sent him a good morning text…and received no reply. After lunch, I finally received a message on the Kik messaging app from Daddy. Odd, we haven’t used that since we exchanged phone numbers. He tells me that he shattered his phone that morning and that he we wouldn’t be able to text so needed to use his work phone. Good thing for Kik, huh? He said they were getting ready for the next game and that he would text me later. That was the last time I heard from him.

I waited a couple hours, thought about what he was going through, and wanted to make him understand that I would be supportive of whatever he decided. The timing definitely sucked but I wanted him to do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t be angry. I would be sad but we would find a way. There are cheap flights to Vegas afterall! No response. Just the dreaded ‘S’ that appears when the message has been sent but you know you have either been blocked or the app hasn’t been opened. Of course, it’s the app…he is busy. Why would it be open? He will see it later. 8 hours later…no response. Still the dreaded ‘S’ appearing there…taunting me. I wasn’t feeling well…I had his nasty ass cold. I sent him a short message telling him that I was headed to bed. That I missed him and hoped that everything was OK. Talk tomorrow Daddy. Except we didn’t. 

Daddy was ghosting me. I opened the app to see if he responded…but all that I saw were the ‘S’ still there beside my messages from 24 hours ago. I felt a different kind of sick now. If he loved me the way he said he did…knowing that I was sick and worrying about what he was going to do…why he didn’t even bother to open the app and check on me? No good night…no good morning. No…”hey…how’s my baby girl?” Nothing. Nothing but silence. How can everything seem so perfect one day…him going on about how he wants me to wear his collar…helping me pick one out online, talking about the future…to being ghosted. Who the hell does that? He does…my Daddy Dom…fucking Mike does that shit. The man that did this once before…the man that thought that giving me the silent treatment for three days without telling me why was a good idea. I left him once for that and he apologized, admitted how wrong he was and was grateful for my forgiveness and second chance. He was a different man after that…we had a new and improved relationship. Exactly what I had searched for…and now this. Silence for two days now. 

I don’t think so. He promised that he would never do that to me again. Would never make me feel abandoned again. Guess what “Daddy”…you have made me feel abandoned again. Worse yet…I think I have actually been abandoned. It was at that moment that I realized…with that 20/20 hindsight vision…that he had already decided what he was going to do. He wasn’t worried about the decision…he was trying to figure out how to back out of all the promises he made to me. So much for “nobody gets left behind”, huh Mike? That bastard didn’t have the balls to tell me what he decided…he was just going to vanish. I hated him at that moment. 

He obviously wasn’t going to open the Kik messages that I had sent to his work phone so I decided to send him a text message to his broken phone. He could see it when he got it fixed. 

I didn’t expect a response. Then as I arrived at work Monday morning I receive a text from him. 

That bastard. Don’t you fucking dare make me the bad guy. Don’t you fucking dare! I hated him as I read that message. I had so much anger…I could feel the heat in my face. Then I set the phone down. I cried. Let’s make one thing VERY clear…I did not cry for him…the loss of him…or his words. I cried because I was so angry. I was livid that he could hurt me for 48 hours and then find a reason to be mad at me about it. I hope that helps him to sleep better at night…thinking that I somehow caused this mess. 

Then I thought about it for a few more minutes. He did me a wonderful favor by ignoring me this weekend. He gave me the gift of allowing me to see the real man. The one that blows off the woman he claims that he loves and wants to protect and care for. The man that would make a life change without at least telling her what his decision was…the man who then lies and tells her that she was sending a text to a phone that she knew was broken…that I knew he couldn’t communicate with me. Really Mike?  

In the end…who is really the fool? I fell for his bullshit…I was fooled but I am no fool. The real blockhead here is Mike. Eventually, he will realize what he has done. What he has lost. When that happens, he will also see how he chose poorly and that he completely blew his opportunity. I will not shed another tear for losing him because I have not lost anything. I just won my life back. I should thank his company for the clarity they have given to me…before I gave myself further to the clod who never really loved me in the first place. 

He was a Dom….but not a respectable one…lesson learned…NEXT!!

The Heart is a Funny Thing…

February 9, 2019

The heart is a funny thing. It is the first sign of life…it’s that fast whooshing beat that creates so much joy and excitement for an expectant mom. It is the calming sound as you rest your head on your lover’s chest that allows you to settle into your happy and peaceful place. It also causes the sadness and grief when it eventually ceases to exist.

Then there is heartbreak. This happens when you are in a happy and peaceful place just to have that happiness abruptly ripped out from under you. It’s like a tablecloth in a magic trick. Sometimes everything on the table stays as it is…as if nothing happened. Other times, it creates havoc and a mess, and everything is out of control.

My current state leaves me on the brink of heartbreak. I feel out of control, stressed, overwhelmed and sad. I have no reason to feel this way other than knowing that there is a very real possibility of my heart being broken soon. I have kept my protective walls up for so long in an attempt at preventing myself from ever feeling this way again. I have become a master at predicting that things are going south and finding a way to end it myself, on my terms so I don’t have to feel the heartache. I took a chance though…I let my walls come down. I have met, bonded and fallen in love with an amazing man. When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me…I feel his love and his fierceness makes me want him to just take me again.

This man…my Daddy Dom…he is my safe place. He makes me laugh, puts me in my floaty place and holds me tight. I know my place with him and he makes me so happy. He bought me a beautiful collar which has not yet been placed around my neck. Tonight, I sit here and wonder if it ever will. Now…he is faced with a huge decision. Stay here with me or accept a change in his employment which would be a wonderful opportunity but would take him halfway across the country. I want so badly to be selfish…to beg him to stay. “Please don’t leave me”. I will be lost without him. I can’t be selfish though. I need him to do what is right for him. I do not ever want him to look back and regret not accepting an opportunity because of me. I never want him to be resentful of me for holding him back.

So now I wait. I wait for my Daddy Dom to make this difficult decision. I can feel his pain, his stress and his strength as he weighs all of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I know that he is going to make the right decision. Perhaps, if he chooses to relocate for his job, we can find a way to make this work. Maybe it will be the end of us. Maybe I worry for nothing. Maybe he will stay, and this worrying will all be for nothing. Too many maybes.

Tonight, I sit in my bedroom…nursing a cold that he lovingly gave to me last week. I am wishing that he was here to hold me, ground me and to stop the tornado from spinning in my head. He has a way of just making everything ok. He is my safe place. He is my protector. He is my love. He is my Daddy. I will support him in whatever he decides. Of course, I am praying that the decision includes me but in serving him, all I really want is for him to be happy. If I am being honest with myself…what I want more than anything, is to continue to be able to rest my head on his chest as he holds me tight, listening to his heart beat.

You don’t have to be serious all the time you know…

February 3, 2019

There are so many different kinds of dynamics in the world of BDSM and kink. This is one of the things I love the most. There is so much individuality and it is a safe place to be who you really are…the real you that the vanilla world isn’t ready to embrace. This freedom to make a relationship into the dynamic that works best for you and your partner…a true no judgment zone…what a wonderful existence.

I didn’t fully understand just how diverse the community truly was until my first dungeon experience. There were so many people that had so many diverse interests. I found myself walking around, observing so many different kinks and relationship dynamics, some of which I strive to have someday and others that left my head shaking and wondering how one can find enjoyment in being treated in that way. I may have observed and thought about how it wasn’t for me but I can promise this…I wasn’t judging those individuals at all. I found myself feeling happy that we could all enjoy our kinks, the things that make us individual, free and happy under the same roof and feel safe to do so openly. I have no doubt that there were some who prefer sensual play who witnessed my session and thought that I was crazy for enjoying being restrained to a cross and being flogged and whipped. I did not feel judged. I felt free…liberated…happy. Here’s the thing…each couple also had their own dynamic just as unique as they were. Some of the submissives were 24/7 submissive to their partner, others seemed like vanilla couples but they were anything but vanilla once play started. There were slaves, pets, littles, and so many other varieties of couples. I loved it and it made me think about what my ideal relationship looked like. 

This was just the dungeon experience though…what about the everyday dynamic? Just as there are so many different kinds of play and dungeon dynamics…there are so many kinds of relationship dynamics too. As a new submissive to the community, I remember having no idea what to expect when I eventually met some Dominants. I knew how I felt with my own Dom in the past, but I didn’t have any experience with openly being submissive in a public place in the presence of many D-types. Would they be intimidating all the time? Would they make me nervous and shy? Would I be scared? I went to a munch and learned very quickly that, although I was really nervous and shy, they were not scary. Well, maybe a little…like if I had some word vomit and nervously told them that I wasn’t scared! (Check out my entry: “The List”) They were masters at the mind fuck and thoroughly enjoyed teasing me and making me squirm, but I never felt scared or judged or intimidated. I felt the most accepted and welcome that I have ever felt when joining a new group of people.

Although I have been involved in the lifestyle for about 5 years, it has only been about a year since I went to that first munch. A year since I started the journey of self-discovery among the friends that I met that night. I have changed drastically since that day. I have grown. I have become wiser. I have become more confident. I went from being a timid and scared submissive to knowing exactly who I am, what I need, what I like and how I can see myself serving. Since that time, I have dated and searched for the Dominant that is right for me. Have I made mistakes? Hell yes, I sure have! I have fallen for the bullshit lies and manipulation of a few men who pretended to be more dominant than they really were. Sometimes you need to learn a lesson the hard way to truly learn it. I am a better submissive because of the mistakes that I have made. Do I regret any of my choices? Nope…not a single one of them. There were times that I felt hurt, foolish and humble…but the lessons learned are priceless.

Today…I am happy. I have an absolutely amazing Daddy Dominant that respects me and keeps me in my place all at the same time. We have the dynamic that I have been searching for. My Daddy makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, he twists my words and makes me backtrack to figure out how I ended up in this hole that I have dug which makes me wet with anticipation. He fully controls me and makes me orgasm until I slip into subspace, surrendering complete control of myself to his capable hands. I am able to let go and give myself to him…losing control physically and shutting my mind off completely…free to just be and feel what he wants me to feel. My subspace leaves me unable to move…Daddy lifts my arm and it falls heavily to the bed, he looks in my eyes and no one is home…and then I orgasm more. I am at the mercy of my Daddy who I trust completely to keep me safe. 

We have a true relationship. He never asks me for naughty pictures because he wants me…not a picture of me. We talk on the phone daily…sometimes twice with plenty of texts in between. It isn’t all about sex and kink either. We have taken the time to get to know each other. He knows the real me and I know all about his crazy ass. He loves that I am sassy and Alpha but also know my place and am always respectful. He is genuinely concerned about my safety and happiness in my daily life. He reminds me to fill up my gas tank when the weather gets cold and asks about my commute and my day at work. I worry about him when he has to drive in the awful Chicago winter weather and I miss him terribly when he has to travel for work. We have bonded. I cannot imagine my life without him. 

We almost lost each other once and we are both determined to never allow that to happen again. Misunderstandings happen, we sometimes hurt those who are closest to us. What saves the relationship is the ability to communicate. We both need to admit when we are wrong, we need to be sincere in our apology and most importantly, we need to forgive. When we forgive our partner, we do not repeatedly remind them of their mistakes either. Forgiveness means that we recognize the mistake and we move on…no one is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect perfection all the time. This helps us make the relationship stronger thus building trust and the strongest connection possible. 

I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. I have found the most amazing Daddy Dom. I love him. I will follow him anywhere he leads me because he has proven himself worthy of my trust, devotion, obedience and loyalty. When he offers me his collar, I will wear it proudly. In return, I will make him proud to own me. He will be the happiest Daddy Dom because I will make it my mission to keep him pleased and proud and happy with his decision to take me as his babygirl. 

Forgiveness…

January 25, 2019

We have all made mistakes…except for me of course. I’m pretty fucking flawless…like Mary Poppins…”practically perfect in every way”. I think we all need to be realistic in our expectations of our partners. If everyone was perfect and flawless, we wouldn’t have much interesting interaction in life, would we? I think that it’s the mistakes we make that can bring us closer together and to help us create a stronger bond with each other.

Yes, I believe this to be especially true in a D/s relationship, but doesn’t this apply to all of our relationships in life? Is there anything that brings a group of women closer together than sharing a bond of something bad that happened? “I mean, seriously…can you believe that asshat did that?!” Every woman in the room will perk up and want to know what that guy did to you. This is typically followed by a sharing of stories of similar experiences and unsolicited advice about how to handle this situation. The advice will undoubtedly vary from vengeance to being better off without him to letting it go and just moving on. “Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that you’re hurt”. I’m not going to lie…the vengeance discussions are my favorites but I am generally way too nice to use any of the suggestions.

Here is the thing though…my current thought process is more about when to forgive and give a second chance versus just being positive and moving on with my life. I recently found myself in this situation and my two favorite bitches gave me so much support and love. “Yeah…I am better off!” …”It’s a good thing you saw this before it is too late”…”Does this mean we get to play, now that Dom rules are out?”. Hmmm…I suppose it does! Oops…losing track of where I was going with that…oh yeah…support from the girls! I was wronged. I was not treated with respect. I felt abandoned and sad. I felt foolish. Then he had the audacity to ask me if we were still a team. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes…about how I wanted to respond to this man who broke my trust in him. I could tell him what I jerk I thought he was and create some insults or something. I really liked him though. I still wished that he didn’t put me in this position and everything was as it had been last week. I decided to be me…to rationally tell him what I thought, how I felt and how disappointed I was because I didn’t feel that the way I was treated was justified. I had been nothing but respectful and obedient. One misunderstanding does not equal several days of silence without an explanation. I would never allow him to do that to me again. So, no…we couldn’t be a team. To my surprise…I received an apology in return. An apology that completely took me back. This man not only owned his mistake but he seemed to be sincerely sorry for his poor judgement of me and actually agreed with my assessment of the events.

The damage was done though. How could I ever trust him again? I would forever be walking on eggshells, worrying that he is going to misinterpret something and I would be left feeling abandoned again. That is not the kind of Dom I want. We parted ways on a positive note and on good terms. I felt relieved that it went well yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he made me feel when we were together. I had felt so connected to him. We had already begun to bond. He was my safe place. I could be open and honest. He made me feel confident and beautiful and I knew my place…and now its over. That jerk was making me start all over again.

About a week later, I recieved an unexpected message on the website where we originally met, from my now ex-Dom. It was a true apology written after almost a week of reflection. It came from the heart and I could feel his words inside me. I felt his pain. I knew that his pride would never allow him to ask for a second chance but he wanted me to know his thoughts and feelings. I now had options…1. I could just ignore it because he broke my trust and my heart. 2. I could tell him off and make him feel like shit for reaching out since I already told him that we were done. 3. Take a chance. Reach out and hear what he has to say. Give him the opportunity to make amends and prove that he is the man that I thought he was. Forgive him.

I went with option three. I sent a text message asking about the words that he said in his message. I wanted to know if he really meant what he said. I shared all of my concerns. The ones that were obvious and the ones that he didn’t know I had. We discussed everything. We communicated. We missed each other. He owned his mistakes and was sincere in making amends. We negotiated what it would look like if I agreed to see him again. A vanilla meet to talk with absolutely no play on the table.

A common misconception that I have found is that there is a perceived weakness in making a mistake. Why?! In my opinion, a Dom is going to make mistakes just like every other human on the planet. What makes him a good Dominant and a man worth trusting is his ability to admit when he is wrong and to learn from the mistake. Now that is someone I can respect.

Tonight, I feel happy again. It is as if the world is right again. In the short time we were apart, I missed talking to him. I missed his hugs. His arms had become my safe place. I loved how he would engulf me and squeeze me until I could barely breath but I didn’t want him to stop. It was a peaceful and safe and happy place. I knew he would protect me and never let any harm come to me. Now, he has come back. Our journey will begin again…slowly.

In the end, I am glad this happened. It gave me the opportunity to share concerns that I had even though they seemed small previously. We now have a clear understanding of each other and what expectations we each have. Yes, I know…I am the submissive. I still get to have expectations though and just as I need to stay within the boundaries and follow the rules that he sets forth…he also needs to treat me with the respect that I deserve and make sure that he is always my safe place. Without having this experience, I wouldn’t have known just how much honor this man truly has…I wouldn’t have known how he handles a situation where he is wrong. He isn’t perfect…but I don’t need him to be. I merely need him to be willing to own it and learn from the experience. In return, I will forgive and expect the same from him in the future. I will make mistakes too (eventually…I’m too busy being perfect lately)…and when I do, I can now trust him to be respectful, to handle me appropriately and to forgive me once he has properly dealt with me and my lack of judgement.

Forgiveness is real. Did I put my wall of protection back up and reinforce it when I felt abandoned? Damn straight I did. Will it come down easily? No, probably not. I think it is going to take seeing him in action and observing how he approaches situations with me in order for me to start taking the wall back down again. Will I keep reminding him of the errors he made? No…absolutely not. It has been discussed. I have forgiven. It is time to move forward and reclaim our happiness again. It is time to settle back into my place where the storm has calmed and the tornado no longer spins. The place where I can shut it all off and just be his girl. Safe in his strong and protective arms where nothing can hurt me.

I have missed my Daddy. I just want him to come to me…to grab me in his arms and hug me like only he can and then smack me hard on the ass….making the world right again. Soon Daddy…very soon. I will be so happy to be yours again.