OK…so it has been a week since I made the decision to create this blog…website…place to reflect. I did not intend for anyone to actually read anything…although I am happy that you are here. I have found that writing about my lessons, experiences and stressors help me deal with them, putting them here for others to read makes them real. Knowing that individuals read this and relate to what I am going through helps me and I truly enjoy knowing that my experiences may actually help someone along the way. What I do not need is any critiques. This is filled with my opinions and experiences…there is no wrong or right here…it is my perception of my reality. I do not seek to argue or defend myself. I just want everyone to get along.
I’m an optimistic person. I like to describe my world as my personal bubble…it smells like cotton candy and there is a rainbow in it too! There are days that are really rough but I don’t want them to control me. What could be so difficult? Nothing dramatic for sure…there are many who live easier lives than myself…but I also know that many have it a lot worse than I do so I try real hard to be thankful and not take my life for granted. I am divorced, I am a mom of four teenagers, I am the daughter of amazing parents, the sister of some great individuals, I am well educated, have a great career, am a homeowner, and am proud of my accomplishments. I am secretly a submissive…oh if my family knew…they would think I needed help because this cannot be a normal way to live my life. It is the normal that I choose though and it makes me feel happy and safe. I will walk out my door every morning with a smile on my face. I will go out of my way to do a great job at work and to help anyone that needs it.
My current struggle is that my submissive self is in desperate need of a Dominant to calm that storm that swirls out of control in my head. The problem that came to me today as I reflected was that even the best Dominant cannot fix this storm. I need to gain control of myself in order for anyone else to calm me. I have always been crazy organized and have a plan for the future yet the world around me feels like it is in a state of turmoil. Cluttered surroundings become a cluttered mind and creates an out of control submissive. This cannot be fixed with a hug or a spanking either. Those are temporary fixes but I need the real correction. I am the only one that can do this…the realization of me needing to take control of my surroundings and life is what makes me a strong submissive woman. Only the strong can take control, fix the issues and care for others while submitting personal control to another. I have no doubt that I will be successful and come out stronger for this experience. Sometimes you need to have a few failures in life in order to learn some lessons and to become stronger. I started to spiral out of control at the end of 2018…this is going to be my year. 2019 is where is I take control and become the submissive that I was meant to be.
Today, I have created a plan to get myself back on track. My plan includes reflecting here regularly as well as writing some journals/stories to release some of the tension and to share some of the lessons that I learn along the way. I have created a written journal of lists, to do’s, goals, challenges and accomplishments so that I can look back in the bound pages and see the journey unfold. It becomes a sense of pride. Once I have my life organized again…I will be able to be the true submissive that I am. There is always something blocking me from letting go completely lately…I believe it is because of all my personal stressors. Letting go momentarily helps but those stressors are still there when I wake. Organization, de-cluttering, having a plan…these will all create the calm atmoshere that I need to be able to focus on what is important.
For now, I close this and continue on my vanilla day of housecleaning, laundry, bill pay and de-cluttering my surroundings. Once I get this routine in place…I will be able to focus on serving. I know as well as anyone that I cannot serve if I do not take care of myself first. I forgot about self-care. What was I thinking?! Today is the beginning of my positive changes. Today is where I take control of my happiness. I am finally ready. I am going to thrive in 2019.