12/31/2018 — Thank you for visiting my web page and for reading my blogs. This is a brand new endeavor and I am excited to see the pieces all coming together. (It is intended for the 18+ crowd as my content will not be suitable for those under 18) My hopes are that the lessons I am learning throughout my journey will give my readers the opportunity to laugh and cry along with me as I learn some tough lessons. I hope that these lessons give my readers hope, joy and encouragement for their own journey, regardless of what direction it is taking them. In my humble opinion, there are no mistakes or regrets because every experience is a step toward learning and has made me who I am today. I look forward to seeing how this site will evolve over time. I would love to hear your positive thoughts!
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The Short Version of my Journey so far..
I have made mistakes. My previous blog entries are a constant reminder of some of them. You have to make some mistakes to grow though. In the end, the biggest failure is not the mistake you make, rather it is not learning from it and repeating the cycle over and over again. I refuse to be caught in one of those vicious cycles. I will own my errors, my moments of weakness, my lack of judgement and I will learn from them. As they say, when it is too good to be true…it probably is. The problem is that you have to put yourself out there. You have to take a chance. If you always play it perfectly safe, you will never see what could have been! The trick is to take educated chances. Ask the right questions, take the right precautions, and step out and give it a try when you feel that you have assessed the risk as best as you can. It is from sharing my writings with a good friend and Dominant, that I was finally convinced that I need to share what I have learned with others. He thought that I should share my journey from the vanilla world, the one that I thought was my safe and happy place, into the lifestyle that has brought me more freedom, confidence and pure joy than I could have ever imagined possible. This website is my forum to share with other submissives, both evolving and confirmed, the lessons that I have learned, the thoughts I have had and the journey I have begun. I receive great joy in helping others…so if I can help even one person see that what they are feeling is normal, that they are not alone, that it will get better and that there are good people out there willing to help, then I feel that all of this was well worth the time and effort it takes to create it.
Flashback to the time prior to my divorce, I thought vanilla was just a flavor of ice cream or perhaps the frosting on a cake. To most people, that is exactly what they think of when they hear the word, vanilla. It is sweet, distinct and innocent. I used to be that girl. Some think that people in the BDSM lifestyle find their way there because they were abused, raped, or lived an otherwise terrible childhood. Sure, there are some in the lifestyle who have suffered terribly in their past, but there are people living vanilla lives with those same histories. My childhood and early adult life did not create my entrance to this lifestyle. My need to be here comes from deep within. It has always been there, but it is only until now that I fully understood what that need really meant.
I grew up in a happy house in the suburbs. I lived the white picket fence life. Parents who loved each other and put their children first, making sure that we never wanted for anything. I was the oldest of four children with a big backyard, a pool, a car to drive and friends to enjoy my free time with on the weekends. Eventually, I went to college and graduated with a degree that gave me a respectable career. I met a wonderful man, married him and had four amazing children of my own. I thought I was happy until I realized that I wasn’t. I was miserable. Something was missing and I felt so guilty because I had a husband who loved me, treated me with respect and was a good father. What I didn’t have was what I truly needed…I had no idea what that was though. I only knew that it was not the life I had. Many discussions about this occurred, many attempts were made to find the connection that I needed with my husband, but they all failed. We agreed to divorce amicably after 18 long years.
I know what you are thinking. This girl was bored and needed some kinky sex but wasn’t getting it at home. Fine, I needed some kinky sex and I was being denied that…yes, that is true. Here is the thing though…the kinky BDSM stuff is such a small part of what I needed and was being denied. I needed a leader. I needed boundaries, consequences, someone to make the decisions that I couldn’t make while making me feel loved, secure and safe. I was a natural submissive and I needed to find my true Dominant partner to allow me to be myself.
It started after my divorce when I started dating again. I met a man online who captured my interest immediately. He would tell me things about myself that I never put in my profile. How did he know? It was eerie but I was intrigued. We dated for several months. He trained me to be the submissive that he knew that I was…I had no idea. It came naturally, it was scary and liberating all at the same time. I followed his lead and was obedient to his commands and I was happy, secure and safe. The relationship did not work long term for many reasons, but what I gained was a knowledge of what my life was missing up until that time. I understood why my marriage failed, why my life was never satisfying, why something always seemed to be missing. This experience taught me that I had been denying who I really was my whole life, fighting against my very nature. What I had perceived as a weakness my entire life was actually a strength that I needed to learn to channel. I was a submissive who needed a Dominant to lead me. The struggle is finding the right Dominant for me. As I was about to learn, this was going to be more difficult than I had ever imagined.
Since that time, I have continued to make mistakes. I have felt foolish. I have put my trust in the wrong men. I dare you to claim that you have never done that…vanilla or lifestyle…we have all made mistakes. I have believed the stories, thought I had something real just to learn that reality was so very different. I have jumped in too fast just to find out that our interests do not at all align. I have followed their leads…many Dominants want to claim you as theirs almost immediately. It is very difficult to argue and state that you just aren’t sure yet…so mistakes happen. Lessons are learned. Hopefully, you don’t get hurt.
I was close to giving up. Then I met my bestie. She is a fellow sub who helped me to understand that what I was feeling and going through is common, normal and expected. She has helped me to navigate this lifestyle and give me advice and support when I needed it most. Everyone needs a bestie like her. You can’t all have her though…so I give you my writings instead. I hope that my site gives you the same reassurance that my bestie has given to me. You will make mistakes. You will be fooled. You will feel hurt and betrayed sometimes. You will not let your mistakes drag you down though, you will be empowered and you will grow because you are strong, you are fierce…you are a Submissive.
I was naïve.
I have been hurt.
I have healed.
I have learned.
I have grown stronger.
I am wiser.
I have not given up.
I am resilient.
I am happy.