A common conversation when you are first negotiating play with someone is usually about your limits. The standard phrasing that many use is typically something like: “No blood, scat, or urine. Nothing that breaks the skin or leaves permanent marks. No temporary marks that can be seen by family and work. Nothing illegal or that involves animals and children.” That should pretty much cover it right? What else could there possibly be that I would object to? A LOT!! Sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know….and that is going to get you into trouble. Get educated my newbie submissive friends and be prepared for this question next time! Don’t worry, if you are new to this, I am here to help!
The discussion and negotiation of limits is a critical conversation that needs to be had and it needs to be honest. New submissives to the lifestyle…I’m begging you to be honest with your Dominant and most importantly, with yourself regarding what you are and are not willing to do or try. This is not the time to be embarrassed about your interests and definitely not the time to be brave and just say yes to everything. If he asks if you would be interested in a gang bang and you say “sure”…it will happen. Not today…probably not next week…but eventually, it is going to happen. He isn’t asking just because he is curious…he wants to know because he would like to arrange that for you. One thing I will recommend, if you haven’t done it already, is to perform an online search for a comprehensive BDSM checklist. It is truly eye opening and it will prevent you from saying something stupid like: “My limits? I don’t really have any…I’ll try anything!”. Once you read the list for the first time, you’ll find yourself muttering something like…”wait, that’s a thing? People do that? Oh, hell no!” and guess what…that’s OK! Everyone has their own kinks, but it is helpful if your kink as a submissive is receiving the kink that your Dominant likes to deliver.
I will preface my writing by stating that my ideal dynamic is not at all focused on the kinky sex. It’s important…don’t get me wrong but the emotional bond, the connection, and the mental control is what drives me more than the kink. With that being said, I’m pretty adventurous and kinky 🙂
So, first things first. What I am willing to do and try today is completely different than what I was willing to do and try 5 years ago. This is because we grow and evolve. It is expected and your BDSM Checklist should be a fluid document always evolving and changing with you. To me…limits are temporary. When I was a newbie, restraints and spankings horrified me…now, I cannot live without them. We are naturally afraid of what we don’t know or don’t understand. Sometimes you have to try something twice to know if you like it or not…other times you just have no interest, it scares you and the stress it would induce being forced to perform it would take away from the experience making it a legitimate limit.
What sends up true warning flags to me are the Dominants who like to say that there are no limits if I become theirs…FUCK THAT SHIT. Of course there are limits! Just because I am your collared submissive, does not give you the right to cause psychological damage by forcing me to do something that truly scares or physically hurts me. (Relax Doms…I have no intention of refusing your commands) Here is the thing…if I have a true bond and connection, have let down my protective walls, giving my full trust to a Dominant…you may hear me say that I don’t have limits with Daddy. That doesn’t mean that he can and will do everything on the BDSM checklist to me at any given time. This means that I trust my Daddy to take me to the limits that he knows that I have…push them a little bit at a time and to stop if it becomes too much. I do not need to say “no, that’s a limit”…because Daddy knows what I can handle and what I can’t and I trust him to always have my safety and best interests in mind when we play. This, my friends, is why we discuss the checklist first. It is critical that we are on the same page.
I am by no means an expert in any of this and there is shit on this list that I didn’t know people actually do either. There are other things on the list that I still don’t know what it is. I’m not judging…I just don’t want to do it! I am not a little, I do not want to be a puppy, and I do not enjoy extreme humiliation or degradation. Others may truly enjoy those things but are appalled that I enjoy a good solid spanking and flogging until I’m a drippy mess and then look forward to seeing the bruises that are left behind for days to come. I also would note that just because I have not indicated NO on my checklist, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is something that I need in my life. This is where good communication is critical! Also, just because it is a YES, it doesn’t mean that I want that the first time we play.
My final thoughts on the matter…be safe…be honest and have fun. Use the checklist, update it often and communicate with your partner. Be open-minded and choose a partner that you can trust to expand your limits slowly and have fun exploring!