Limits…where to start?

A common conversation when you are first negotiating play with someone is usually about your limits. The standard phrasing that many use is typically something like: “No blood, scat, or urine. Nothing that breaks the skin or leaves permanent marks. No temporary marks that can be seen by family and work. Nothing illegal or that involves animals and children.” That should pretty much cover it right? What else could there possibly be that I would object to? A LOT!! Sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know….and that is going to get you into trouble. Get educated my newbie submissive friends and be prepared for this question next time! Don’t worry, if you are new to this, I am here to help!

The discussion and negotiation of limits is a critical conversation that needs to be had and it needs to be honest. New submissives to the lifestyle…I’m begging you to be honest with your Dominant and most importantly, with yourself regarding what you are and are not willing to do or try. This is not the time to be embarrassed about your interests and definitely not the time to be brave and just say yes to everything. If he asks if you would be interested in a gang bang and you say “sure”…it will happen. Not today…probably not next week…but eventually, it is going to happen. He isn’t asking just because he is curious…he wants to know because he would like to arrange that for you. One thing I will recommend, if you haven’t done it already, is to perform an online search for a comprehensive BDSM checklist. It is truly eye opening and it will prevent you from saying something stupid like: “My limits? I don’t really have any…I’ll try anything!”. Once you read the list for the first time, you’ll find yourself muttering something like…”wait, that’s a thing? People do that? Oh, hell no!” and guess what…that’s OK! Everyone has their own kinks, but it is helpful if your kink as a submissive is receiving the kink that your Dominant likes to deliver.

I will preface my writing by stating that my ideal dynamic is not at all focused on the kinky sex. It’s important…don’t get me wrong but the emotional bond, the connection, and the mental control is what drives me more than the kink. With that being said, I’m pretty adventurous and kinky 🙂

So, first things first. What I am willing to do and try today is completely different than what I was willing to do and try 5 years ago. This is because we grow and evolve. It is expected and your BDSM Checklist should be a fluid document always evolving and changing with you. To me…limits are temporary. When I was a newbie, restraints and spankings horrified me…now, I cannot live without them. We are naturally afraid of what we don’t know or don’t understand. Sometimes you have to try something twice to know if you like it or not…other times you just have no interest, it scares you and the stress it would induce being forced to perform it would take away from the experience making it a legitimate limit.

What sends up true warning flags to me are the Dominants who like to say that there are no limits if I become theirs…FUCK THAT SHIT. Of course there are limits! Just because I am your collared submissive, does not give you the right to cause psychological damage by forcing me to do something that truly scares or physically hurts me. (Relax Doms…I have no intention of refusing your commands) Here is the thing…if I have a true bond and connection, have let down my protective walls, giving my full trust to a Dominant…you may hear me say that I don’t have limits with Daddy. That doesn’t mean that he can and will do everything on the BDSM checklist to me at any given time. This means that I trust my Daddy to take me to the limits that he knows that I have…push them a little bit at a time and to stop if it becomes too much. I do not need to say “no, that’s a limit”…because Daddy knows what I can handle and what I can’t and I trust him to always have my safety and best interests in mind when we play. This, my friends, is why we discuss the checklist first. It is critical that we are on the same page.

I am by no means an expert in any of this and there is shit on this list that I didn’t know people actually do either. There are other things on the list that I still don’t know what it is. I’m not judging…I just don’t want to do it! I am not a little, I do not want to be a puppy, and I do not enjoy extreme humiliation or degradation. Others may truly enjoy those things but are appalled that I enjoy a good solid spanking and flogging until I’m a drippy mess and then look forward to seeing the bruises that are left behind for days to come. I also would note that just because I have not indicated NO on my checklist, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is something that I need in my life. This is where good communication is critical! Also, just because it is a YES, it doesn’t mean that I want that the first time we play.

My final thoughts on the matter…be safe…be honest and have fun. Use the checklist, update it often and communicate with your partner. Be open-minded and choose a partner that you can trust to expand your limits slowly and have fun exploring!

OK…so here we go…I practice what I preach so here is my Checklist as an example:


Experience Column:

Have you had real time experience with the activity? Indicate YES or NO next to each item. Write N/A if it does not apply to your gender.

Willingness Column:For each item, indicate the degree to which you are willing to try that particular activity by rating it on a scale of NO  or 0-5 (see rating scale below)

Rating Scale Column:

NO = HARD LIMIT (I will not do this item under any circumstance)

? = I do not understand what this activity is

0        Utterly no desire to do that activity and don’t like doing it (in fact, may loathe it) and ordinarily would object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if they really wanted it (sometimes called a SOFT LIMIT)

1. Don’t want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn’t object if it was asked of you

2. Willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you

3. Usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/occasional basis

4. You like doing this activity and would like to experience it on a regular basis

5. Is a wild turn-on for you and you would like it as often as possible

Unless otherwise stated, the submissive is the recipient/target of the activity

ActivityExperience (YES, NO, N/A)WillingnessComments
Age PlayNO1 
Anal SexYES3I have IBS. There are some days I cannot do this
Anal Plugs (small)YES3I have IBS. There are some days I cannot do this
Anal Plugs (medium)YES3I have IBS. There are some days I cannot do this
Anal Plugs (large)NO0This makes me nervous…
Anal Plug (public under clothes)YES3I have IBS. There are some days I cannot do this
Animal RolesNO1 
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)NO2I’m interested in trying
Aromas?4pleasant smells for mood/scene? Then yes please 🙂
Auctioned for charityNONOHARD LIMIT 
Ball stretchingN/AN/A 
Bathroom use controlYES2 
Beating (soft)YES5 
Beating (medium)YES3With a flogger?
Beating (hard)NO2
Being Serviced (sexual)YES5is this rec oral? Then yes…otherwise IDK what it means
Being bittenYES3no breaking the skin; no visible marks when dressed
Breast/chest bondageNO3I’m interested in trying
Breath controlNONO HARD LIMIT
BrandingNONO(unless this is an eventual tattoo done by a professional…then yes) 
Bondage (light)YES5 
Bondage (heavy)YES4 
Bondage (multi-day)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Bondage (public under clothing)YES4 
Breast whippingYES3I can only handle a little bit; pain tolerance is low here
Brown showers (scat)NONOHARD LIMIT
Cages (locked inside)NONOHARD LIMIT 
CaningNO2Not to an extreme
Castration fantasyNONOHARD LIMIT 
CatheterizationNONO HARD LIMIT
Cattle prod (electrical toy)NONOHARD LIMIT
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)NONO HARD LIMIT
ChainsNO3I’m curious about trying
Chamber Pot useNO1 
Chastity beltsNO2 
Chores (domestic service)YES2 
Cock rings/strapsN/AN/A 
Cock worshipYES5 
Collars (worn in private)YES5 
Collars (worn with other subs)YES4if this means at a play party or dungeon event, YES
Collars (worn in public)NO5a discreet collar that is not obvious to our dynamic
Competitions (with other subs)? ? 
Corsets (wearing casually)YES5 
Corsets (trained waist reduction)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Cuffs (leather)YES3
Cuffs (metal)NO3I’m interested in trying
Diapers (wearing)NONO HARD LIMIT
Diapers (wetting)NONO HARD LIMIT
Diapers (soiling)NONOHARD LIMIT 
DilationNO?OF WHAT?! 
Double penetrationYES3I’ve done this with toys only
ElectricityYES3Violet wand 
Enemas (for cleansing)YES2in private to prepare for play
Enemas (retention/punishment)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Enforced chastityNO3Curious for short periods of time 
Erotic dance (for audience)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Examinations (physical)NO2
Exercise (forced/required)NO3I like rules
Exhibitionism (friends)YES3used to be a soft limit
Exhibitionism (strangers)YES3only with other kinky people (not true public)
Eye contact restrictionsYES2 
Face slappingYES3no breaking the skin; no visible marks
Fantasy AbandonmentNO0 
Fantasy RapeNO1 
Fantasy Gang rapeNO1 
Fear (being scared)YES2 
Fisting (anal)NO0 
Fisting (vaginal)YES3I have done it once; it was intense but amazing
Following ordersYES5 
Foot worshipNO0I HATE FEET
Forced bedwettingNO1WHY?!
Forced dressingNO1Not sure I understand this one
Forced eatingNONOHARD LIMIT 
Forced homosexualityNO1
Forced heterosexualityN/AN/A 
Forced masturbationYES3forced or ordered to do so?
Forced nudity (private)YES3 
Forced nudity (around others)NO3this is scary and makes me nervous; only with other kinky people with Daddy close by
Forced ServitudeNONO HARD LIMIT
Forced smokingNONO HARD LIMIT
Full head hoodsNO1I’m scared of this
Gags (Ball)YES2I’m scared of this; I don’t breathe through my nose well
Gags (cloth)YES 2I’m scared of this; I don’t breathe through my nose well
Gags (inflatable)NONO HARD LIMIT
Gags (phallic)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Gags (rubber)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Gates of Hell (male)N/AN/A 
Genital sexYES5yes please
Given away to another Dom (temp)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Given away to another Dom (perm)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Golden ShowersNO0 
Hair brush spankingsYES4 
Hair pullingYES5 
Hand Jobs (giving)YES5 
Hand Jobs (receiving)N/AN/A 
Harems (serving w/other subs)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Harnessing (leather)NO3 
Harnessing (rope)YES3 
Having food chosen for youYES3 
Having clothing chosen for youYES4 
Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus)YES5 
Head (receive fellatio/cunnilingus)YES5 
High Heel wearingYES3I have trouble wearing heels for a long time; plantar fasciitis
High Heel worshipNO0 
Homage with tongue (non-sexual)??Not sure I understand this one
HoodsNO 1I’m scared of this; I don’t breathe through my nose well
Hot oils (on genitals)NO3I’m interested in trying
Hot waxingYES4 
Housework (doing)YES2 
Human puppy dogNONO HARD LIMIT
Humiliation (private)YES1 
Humiliation (public)NONO 
Ice cubesYES4 
Initiation ritesNO3I don’t know what this would include; but I will follow my Daddy’s wishes
Intricate (Japenese) rope bondageYES4 
Knife playNO2I’m interested in trying
Leather clothingNO2 
Leather restraintsYES5 
Lectures for misbehaviorYES5I need to learn my place 
Licking (non-sexual)??Not sure I understand this one
Lingerie (wearing)YES5 
Manacles and IronsNO2
Manicures (giving)NO2 
Massage (giving)YES3 
Massage (receiving)YES5 
Medical scenesNO4I’m interested in trying
Modeling for erotic photosYES3for our private use
Mouth bitsNO0 
Name change (for scene)YES3 
Nipple clampsYES3very sensitive; not really tight please
Nipple rings (piercing)YES5already have them
Nipple weightsNO0 
Oral/anal play (giving rimming)NO1 
Oral/anal play (receiving rimming)YES3 
Over the knee spankingYES5 
Orgasm denialYES5 
Orgasm controlYES5 
Outdoor scenesNO3I am nervous about this!
Pain (severe)NO2
Pain (moderate)YES4 
Pain (mild)YES5 
Persona training (in scene)NO4this is slave/sub training? Then yes
Personal modification (rl)?? I don’t understand what this entails
Phone sex (serving Dom)YES2 
Phone sex (serving Dom’s friends)NONO HARD LIMIT
Phone sex (commercial provider)NONO HARD LIMIT
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)NONO HARD LIMIT
Piercing (permanent)YES5Already have nipple piercings; I will get more (done professionally) if it pleases Daddy
Plastic surgeryNONO HARD LIMIT
Prison scenesNO1 
Prostitution (public pretense)NONO HARD LIMIT
Prostitution (actual)NONO HARD LIMIT
Public exposureYES4Only in the presence of other kinky people; not vanilla
Punishment sceneYES4Only for real punishment; I don’t want to be punished but accept it when earned
Pussy/cock whippingYES3mild impact is enjoyable
Pussy worshipYES5BRING IT ON
Riding cropYES4 
Riding the “horse” (crotch tort)??I am not sure what this is
Religious scenesNO1 
Restrictive rules on behaviorYES4I enjoy rules/consequences
Rubber/latex clothingNONOHARD LIMIT 
Rope body harnessYES4 
ScarificationNONO HARD LIMIT
Scratching – gettingYES3I don’t know what this includes; I love my back scratched!
Scratching – givingYES3I don’t know what this includes; sensual? Then yes
Sensory deprivationYES4blindfolds, sound cancelling?
ServingYES5I always serve Daddy
Serving as an artNO5I always serve Daddy, for his visual enjoyment
Serving as ashtrayNONO HARD LIMIT
Serving as furnitureNO0WHY?! 
Serving as a maidNO0WHY?! 
Serving as a toilet (urine)NONO HARD LIMIT
Serving as a toilet (feces)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Serving as a waitress/waiterNO1 
Serving orally (sexual)YES5It is my honor to serve Daddy
Serving other Doms (supervised)YES1
Serving other Doms (unsupervised)YES0 
Sexual deprivation (short term)YES3If it pleases my Dom to deprive me of sexual pleasure
Sexual deprivation (long term)NO1 
Shaving (body hair)YES3Legs, under arms, pussy…yes. 
Shaving (head hair)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Skinny dippingYES3 
Sleep deprivationNO0 
Sleep sacksNO1 
Slutty clothing (private)YES5 
Slutty clothing (public)YES4with other kinky people, play parties
Spandex clothingYES2yoga pants?
SpankingYES5Yes, please Sir
Speech restrictions (when/what)YES3 
Speculums (anal)NO0 
Speculums (vaginal)NO3
Spitting NO1why?!
Spreader barsNO5I’m interested in trying
Standing in cornerNO3Only for punishment; I don’t want to be punished but accept it when earned
StocksNO3I’m interested in trying
Straight jacketsNO2 
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)NO2 
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)NO2 
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)NO2 
Strapping (full body beating)NONOHARD LIMIT 
Suspension (upright)NO3I’m interested in trying
Suspension (inverted)NO2I am nervous about this!
Supplying new partners for DomNONOHARD LIMIT 
Swallowing fecesNONOHARD LIMIT 
Swallowing semenYES5It is my honor to serve Daddy
Swallowing urineNO0 
Swapping (with one other couple)NO1
Swapping (multiple couples)NO1
Tampon training (in ass)NO1I don’t understand why 
TattooingYES5If I have approval rights of the tattoo and it is done professionally
TENS unit (electrical toy)NO2
Thumb cuffs (metal)NO2
Triple PenetrationNO2not urethral
Urethral Sounds (metal rods)NONOHARD LIMIT 
UniformsNO3dressing up for Daddy? Sure 🙂
Including othersYES2I would consider this in the future if Daddy desires it
Vaginal dildoYES5 
Verbal humiliationYES2 
Vibrator on genitalsYES5 
Violet wand (electrical toy)YES4 
Voyeurism (watching others)YES4 
Voyeurism (watching your Dom w/others)NO1Unless it’s a threesome or swap in same room, then maybe
Video (watching others)YES3 
Video (recordings of you)YES2for our private use
Water tortureNONOHARD LIMIT 
Waxing (hair removal)NO3 
Wearing symbolic jewelryYES5 
Weight gain (forced)NONO HARD LIMIT
Weight loss (forced)NO2I enjoy rules/consequences
WhippingYES4not excessively
Wooden paddlesYES5yes please

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