Kinky Kollege Spring Break 2019

The endorphins continue to course through my veins. I’m home but my head is still in subspace and I can see the drop that is inevitably coming on the horizon. Three days and two nights of new experiences, bonding with old friends and absorbing the energy that is Kinky Kollege.

The drive home was uneventful. I felt like my happy self, singing my favorite music in the car as I made the drive home, still feeling the high of being submerged into the world of BDSM for the last 50 straight hours. I was a little sleepy, a little sore, but otherwise what feels like my normal self. I wrestled all my things into the house, hugged my kids, unpacked, and made dinner for my family. In the instant that I crossed the threshold of my home, I went from being the submissive restrained to a cross in the dungeon to a mom and all the stressors and demands that come with my daily life as I was thrown back into reality. It’s this reality that has me sitting here in my quiet living room, my kids all going about their evening, and that’s when the subdrop started. I miss my Daddy, my Besties, my friends and the energy from the weekend. I feel sad but not really sad. That’s the wrong word…I had an amazing weekend and it ended in an insanely happy and satisfying way…I am just not ready to face the world and my demanding life yet. I am sad that the weekend is over already.

Five months ago, I attended my first Kinky Kollege. It was eye opening and not only did I stomp some of my own personal boundaries into the ground, but I learned a lot about myself. A great deal has happened, both good and bad, in those 5 months that have elapsed and I looked forward to attending for my second time with excitement instead of anxiety. This Kinky Kollege experience did not disappoint. I walked into the private party space confident, now having prior memories of what the experience would include. I felt instantly comfortable wandering around and refamiliarizing myself with my surroundings. I excitedly unpacked all my bags into my hotel room that I jokingly noticed came supplied with a spanking bench. My besties and I all prepared ourselves for the evening in the dungeon together, excitedly getting dressed, applying our makeup and fixing our hair while singing and giggling as we put ourselves together to be our most confident selves.

Hotel room supplied with a spanking bench..how perfect!

I will admit that I was torn though. My Daddy accompanied me for the weekend but was not able to obtain a ticket to the event. He encouraged me to enjoy my time with my friends and wanted me to enjoy the dungeon. He not only gave me permission but he told me to play and have fun with my friends. When it was time to descend to the play space, he walked with us to the escalator, reminded me to have fun in the dungeon with my friends, and kissed me as I descended down to the event. I did as I was told, and accepted some light play in the form of some spanking and flogging at the cross by my protector. I think we all mostly just wanted to feel the energy but not wear ourselves out for the weekend on the first night. I went up to my room early so I could enjoy the real fun with mon Daddy in our room…our own private dungeon. He did not disappoint and we realized the genius in my plan to bring a tarp and an extra sheet for our bed so we could play without a care in the world.

Waiting for Daddy…

Saturday was a fun-filled day that started with a smile as I woke up in Daddy’s arms, my happy place. We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast, I went to a great class, had an emotional experience at Tapas as I fought my demons and then had a small group get together in our room for some laughs and dinner before getting ready for night two in the dungeon.

I was given the opportunity to have an incredible scene with a friend again, as I did at the last Kinky Kollege. He is the one who is responsible for helping me to smash my inhibitions into the ground in the dungeon, allowing myself to enjoy the scene that was skillfully crafted. I eagerly accepted the opportunity to play again, to be “warmed up” for my Daddy and was in a non-coherent subspace shortly after feeling the wrist cuffs clip to the cross.

The scene is now a blur of incoherent memories for me now…but I do remember smelling the leather of the flogger, and feeling both the stingy and thuddy sensations of various floggers and paddles and the dragontail as it bit the skin. I remember going through a series of responses that ranged from moaning, to growling and then outright laughing from the overwhelming sensation that I can no longer distinguish as pleasure or pain. I remember eventually being turned around, facing any observers and seeing the sadistic glint in the eyes of my friend expertly wielding that dragontail and not caring that I was standing there, restrained with my arms above me, wearing nothing but a garter belt and a pair of thigh high black nylons. At that moment…I didn’t care who saw me at my most vulnerable. I didn’t see anyone but the Dominant that now controlled me for these 45 minutes. I remember laughing and growling as the flogger descended upon my bare breasts and then came up to sting with a sensation that was a combination of pleasure and pain at my dripping pussy. I have a memory of growling through the pain as a paddle struck my sensitive nipples and then letting out a startled scream as the dragontail snapped loud right next to me but not reaching just to have it lightly bite the skin seconds later…which of course induced uncontrolled laughing from me and encouragement to continue to my torturer. My goodness…is there anything better than a good mindfuck? As the scene ended, I was released from my restraints, given a big hug and shakily sat down in a chair to recover. I sat among friends and in a daze for a while before getting dressed and making my way upstairs to Daddy to tell him about my evening in the dungeon.

Of course, that’s when Daddy put my play collar on me and accepted the gift of his babygirl all warmed up and ready to follow his commands. My mind had been shut off…I just remember staring up at him…waiting for his direction as he put my play-collar in place and held the leash. The intense look in his eyes as he told me that I was a good girl. I was in an incoherent state and puddle of floating bliss when he removed the collar. I woke up in his arms, my safe and happy place, to the sound of his voice saying “Bonjour babygirl” and I just about melted. I was so happy and just a little sad because of the realization that it was already Sunday and we would need to pack up and head home in the next several hours. Another weekend gone way too fast. Je t’adore, Daddy! Bisous pour toi!

Overall, it was a truly amazing weekend. Yes, I fought a demon and won! I taught that son of a bitch who is in charge…and in this situation…it was me, the submissive taking control of the gate. That demon no longer has any power over me. I also made so many memories with friends new and old and bonded even closer with my besties and my Daddy. Many lessons were learned but most important, I had the opportunity to be me. Uninhibited, strong, and submissive. Thank you to all of my people…I love you all! I truly do not know where I would be without all of your support and love and kindness both at the event and in these days post-event. I truly cannot wait until October!

Facing my demon…and winning

March 31, 2019

Tapas. It is one of those experiences at Kinky Kollege that I truly look forward to. It is an opportunity to try new things that I otherwise might not get the opportunity to experience. It was fun the way it is meant to be and then I faced my demon. 

I knew it was a fear…I got in line knowing that it would be scary to be face to face with a man holding a cane. I was previously traumatized by a cane. I endured a non-consensual brutal (brutal to me…not so much to those who enjoy this kind of play) caning several months ago. It left me deeply bruised to the inner thigh and tit. I know that this is a sort of play that many thoroughly enjoy but I didn’t want it. I am a girl who enjoys pain during play but I am also a girl who needs to be with a Dominant who understands my need for a gentle touch and nurturing warm up that builds to the pain that I need to let go of my stress, emotions and thoughts. I unfortunately now know what a very hard strike with a cane feels like, in the form of unearned punishment and I am petrified of enduring it again. 

I stepped into the line with my besties, fully expecting to be nervous. I took one look at the table, with several canes of varying sizes displayed on it, and my heartrate increased, I was having trouble catching my breath, I was shaking and the tears silently rolled down my face. I was comforted by one of my besties and my protector as I watched my other bestie enjoy the caning demonstration skillfully delivered by a trusted friend and Dominant. I watched and felt my anxiety grow to levels that I didn’t expect to feel. I was experiencing a full panic attack and I felt weak and pathetic. 

I was approached by my friend, the one providing the demonstration opportunity. He helped me to breathe and encouraged me to let him help me fight my demon. I knew that that this implement did not have to be used brutally. I needed to feel that it didn’t’ have to be awful and traumatizing. I cried…I removed my dress and shakily climbed onto the spanking bench. Light taps…pain level barely a 2. I obviously could handle so much more across my ass but I still felt scared. He talked to me, helped me think about how low the pain level was and that I could handle a 4. I said yes, I wanted to feel a 4…it stung but it wasn’t that bad. OK…I am ready to feel a 6. Fuuuck…that stung and he made me laugh as he admitted it was probably a 6.25 so I could probably handle a 7…which, of course was a 7.75…making me prepared for the 8. This stung like a motherfucker and I felt like I had enough. I wasn’t panicked anymore. I felt ok..I did it!

Then I realized that I wasn’t done. I was now sitting instead of kneeling, wearing nothing but my panties, and I was going to feel the cane across my thigh. Once on each leg. I panicked….this is my trigger. I remembered being told to kneel with my knees apart and feeling that cane strike me at a 10/10 six times in rapid succession to my right inner thigh. I started shaking…crying but I didn’t move. I was reassured that it would be ok. It was. He waited until I said I was ready…strike one to the left leg…yes, it stung like hell but it was tolerable. I could see the stripe immediately. A few deep breaths and I nodded to accept the second one to the right thigh…with that snap of the cane…I felt my strength come back. I was shaking… tears ran down my face…but I felt strong. I faced my demon and I won. I showed that motherfucker that I am fucking resilient and will not be controlled by my fear anymore. I hugged my friend and thanked him for what he had done. 

A non-consensual caning after 10 days of healing…
A lovingly given cane strike a day after it was given.

It is amazing to me…the emotions that I feel when I look at these two photos…the same tool was used yet such drastic feelings that they evoke from my core.

Tonight, I am home, reflecting on my KK experience. I have a bruised stripe on each thigh and the sight of the lines do not make me feel panicked. They make me feel pride. He saved me from myself. He gave me a piece of myself back. The piece that was broken…the piece that I thought had been healed by time. Instead, it was healed with the help of friends and a cane in the skillful hand of a sadist that I trust with all of my being. You don’t find friends like that everyday and I am so thankful for his willingness to help me.

Kinky Kollege

10/28/18

Kinky Kollege…I have been hearing about it for months. I bought my ticket and reserved my room, but I was petrified. No matter how much everyone tries to prepare you for what to expect, you just can’t comprehend what it really feels like to attend until you experience it for yourself.

I am an unowned submissive and I was going to Kinky Kollege alone. Well, not truly alone because I had my bestie, my protector and many other friends that I have met in this incredible community. I did not have a Dominant…it wasn’t about not having someone to play with though. It was about me feeling like I needed someone to lead me through this experience. Someone to make me step outside that comfort zone and truly be my unguarded self. I wanted to be me, and I was worried that if I did not have someone to push me, I probably wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable.

My bestie and my protector are amazing. Through their encouragement, I put on the corset and skirt that I bought for the weekend, took a deep breath, and went into the dungeon. It was the second scariest thing that I have ever done. Of course, at the time, I thought it was the absolutely scariest and overwhelming thing ever…but it wasn’t. I felt liberated. I enjoyed being me. I felt safe, confident, happy and me.

I had the opportunity to play that first night with an amazing Dominant friend. He made me feel safe and gave me the opportunity to experience playtime in the Kinky Kollege dungeon. I had so much fun and I finished the night feeling stronger and more confident than when I arrived. I shakily walked away from that session with some beautiful bruises that continue to develop even today. Saturday was filled with spending time with friends at the many classes that were offered and going to Tapas, where I had the opportunity to be tied up and confined in Shibari ropes. I loved it…so…much. I NEED more of that in my life. I took a bondage class and learned a little bit about self-ties, so I bought some pretty rope to play with and look forward to enjoying more in the future.

Saturday night came with more anticipation and excitement than Friday night. Friday I was panicked about walking into the dungeon in my corset, a sheer skirt and breasts exposed. Saturday…not at all. I was where I belonged. I was confident. I was happy. I had the opportunity and pleasure to play with another wonderful Dominant friend. As excited as I was to play…I was shaking and nervous. This was easily the most difficult thing I have ever done…so much harder than entering the dungeon on Friday…removing my corset…and then my skirt and standing in front of that St Andrews Cross. Exposed to the crowded dungeon in nothing but a thong…restrained, flogged and free. I let go of all of my stress, all of my insecurities, and all of my care about anything that doesn’t truly matter. I was me…and I was happy.

I was worried about going to Kinky Kollege without the security of a Dominant to lead me. In the end, I am so happy that I went alone. I found out just how strong…how resilient I really am. I have social anxiety…I am very nervous going to strange places alone, not knowing what to expect when I arrive. It is a battle that I fight frequently. This weekend, I drove to a hotel and checked into my room alone. I stepped out of that hotel room wearing clothing that made me feel good but that I did not think I would have the courage to leave my room wearing. A day later I found myself removing it in a crowded dungeon, not because I was ordered to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be me. I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be who I am and with the encouragement and love from the most amazing kinky friends. I had the best weekend ever. 

Thank you to all my favorite people, for the hugs, the encouragement, the support and, of course, the floggings, spankings, dragontail whipping and orgasms! 

I can’t wait until next time!!