The heart is a funny thing. It is the first sign of life…it’s that fast whooshing beat that creates so much joy and excitement for an expectant mom. It is the calming sound as you rest your head on your lover’s chest that allows you to settle into your happy and peaceful place. It also causes the sadness and grief when it eventually ceases to exist.
Then there is heartbreak. This happens when you are in a happy and peaceful place just to have that happiness abruptly ripped out from under you. It’s like a tablecloth in a magic trick. Sometimes everything on the table stays as it is…as if nothing happened. Other times, it creates havoc and a mess, and everything is out of control.
My current state leaves me on the brink of heartbreak. I feel out of control, stressed, overwhelmed and sad. I have no reason to feel this way other than knowing that there is a very real possibility of my heart being broken soon. I have kept my protective walls up for so long in an attempt at preventing myself from ever feeling this way again. I have become a master at predicting that things are going south and finding a way to end it myself, on my terms so I don’t have to feel the heartache. I took a chance though…I let my walls come down. I have met, bonded and fallen in love with an amazing man. When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me…I feel his love and his fierceness makes me want him to just take me again.
This man…my Daddy Dom…he is my safe place. He makes me laugh, puts me in my floaty place and holds me tight. I know my place with him and he makes me so happy. He bought me a beautiful collar which has not yet been placed around my neck. Tonight, I sit here and wonder if it ever will. Now…he is faced with a huge decision. Stay here with me or accept a change in his employment which would be a wonderful opportunity but would take him halfway across the country. I want so badly to be selfish…to beg him to stay. “Please don’t leave me”. I will be lost without him. I can’t be selfish though. I need him to do what is right for him. I do not ever want him to look back and regret not accepting an opportunity because of me. I never want him to be resentful of me for holding him back.
So now I wait. I wait for my Daddy Dom to make this difficult decision. I can feel his pain, his stress and his strength as he weighs all of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I know that he is going to make the right decision. Perhaps, if he chooses to relocate for his job, we can find a way to make this work. Maybe it will be the end of us. Maybe I worry for nothing. Maybe he will stay, and this worrying will all be for nothing. Too many maybes.
Tonight, I sit in my bedroom…nursing a cold that he lovingly gave to me last week. I am wishing that he was here to hold me, ground me and to stop the tornado from spinning in my head. He has a way of just making everything ok. He is my safe place. He is my protector. He is my love. He is my Daddy. I will support him in whatever he decides. Of course, I am praying that the decision includes me but in serving him, all I really want is for him to be happy. If I am being honest with myself…what I want more than anything, is to continue to be able to rest my head on his chest as he holds me tight, listening to his heart beat.
There are so many different kinds of dynamics in the world of BDSM and kink. This is one of the things I love the most. There is so much individuality and it is a safe place to be who you really are…the real you that the vanilla world isn’t ready to embrace. This freedom to make a relationship into the dynamic that works best for you and your partner…a true no judgment zone…what a wonderful existence.
I didn’t fully understand just how diverse the community truly was until my first dungeon experience. There were so many people that had so many diverse interests. I found myself walking around, observing so many different kinks and relationship dynamics, some of which I strive to have someday and others that left my head shaking and wondering how one can find enjoyment in being treated in that way. I may have observed and thought about how it wasn’t for me but I can promise this…I wasn’t judging those individuals at all. I found myself feeling happy that we could all enjoy our kinks, the things that make us individual, free and happy under the same roof and feel safe to do so openly. I have no doubt that there were some who prefer sensual play who witnessed my session and thought that I was crazy for enjoying being restrained to a cross and being flogged and whipped. I did not feel judged. I felt free…liberated…happy. Here’s the thing…each couple also had their own dynamic just as unique as they were. Some of the submissives were 24/7 submissive to their partner, others seemed like vanilla couples but they were anything but vanilla once play started. There were slaves, pets, littles, and so many other varieties of couples. I loved it and it made me think about what my ideal relationship looked like.
This was just the dungeon experience though…what about the everyday dynamic? Just as there are so many different kinds of play and dungeon dynamics…there are so many kinds of relationship dynamics too. As a new submissive to the community, I remember having no idea what to expect when I eventually met some Dominants. I knew how I felt with my own Dom in the past, but I didn’t have any experience with openly being submissive in a public place in the presence of many D-types. Would they be intimidating all the time? Would they make me nervous and shy? Would I be scared? I went to a munch and learned very quickly that, although I was really nervous and shy, they were not scary. Well, maybe a little…like if I had some word vomit and nervously told them that I wasn’t scared! (Check out my entry: “The List”) They were masters at the mind fuck and thoroughly enjoyed teasing me and making me squirm, but I never felt scared or judged or intimidated. I felt the most accepted and welcome that I have ever felt when joining a new group of people.
Although I have been involved in the lifestyle for about 5 years, it has only been about a year since I went to that first munch. A year since I started the journey of self-discovery among the friends that I met that night. I have changed drastically since that day. I have grown. I have become wiser. I have become more confident. I went from being a timid and scared submissive to knowing exactly who I am, what I need, what I like and how I can see myself serving. Since that time, I have dated and searched for the Dominant that is right for me. Have I made mistakes? Hell yes, I sure have! I have fallen for the bullshit lies and manipulation of a few men who pretended to be more dominant than they really were. Sometimes you need to learn a lesson the hard way to truly learn it. I am a better submissive because of the mistakes that I have made. Do I regret any of my choices? Nope…not a single one of them. There were times that I felt hurt, foolish and humble…but the lessons learned are priceless.
Today…I am happy. I have an absolutely amazing Daddy Dominant that respects me and keeps me in my place all at the same time. We have the dynamic that I have been searching for. My Daddy makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, he twists my words and makes me backtrack to figure out how I ended up in this hole that I have dug which makes me wet with anticipation. He fully controls me and makes me orgasm until I slip into subspace, surrendering complete control of myself to his capable hands. I am able to let go and give myself to him…losing control physically and shutting my mind off completely…free to just be and feel what he wants me to feel. My subspace leaves me unable to move…Daddy lifts my arm and it falls heavily to the bed, he looks in my eyes and no one is home…and then I orgasm more. I am at the mercy of my Daddy who I trust completely to keep me safe.
We have a true relationship. He never asks me for naughty pictures because he wants me…not a picture of me. We talk on the phone daily…sometimes twice with plenty of texts in between. It isn’t all about sex and kink either. We have taken the time to get to know each other. He knows the real me and I know all about his crazy ass. He loves that I am sassy and Alpha but also know my place and am always respectful. He is genuinely concerned about my safety and happiness in my daily life. He reminds me to fill up my gas tank when the weather gets cold and asks about my commute and my day at work. I worry about him when he has to drive in the awful Chicago winter weather and I miss him terribly when he has to travel for work. We have bonded. I cannot imagine my life without him.
We almost lost each other once and we are both determined to never allow that to happen again. Misunderstandings happen, we sometimes hurt those who are closest to us. What saves the relationship is the ability to communicate. We both need to admit when we are wrong, we need to be sincere in our apology and most importantly, we need to forgive. When we forgive our partner, we do not repeatedly remind them of their mistakes either. Forgiveness means that we recognize the mistake and we move on…no one is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect perfection all the time. This helps us make the relationship stronger thus building trust and the strongest connection possible.
I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. I have found the most amazing Daddy Dom. I love him. I will follow him anywhere he leads me because he has proven himself worthy of my trust, devotion, obedience and loyalty. When he offers me his collar, I will wear it proudly. In return, I will make him proud to own me. He will be the happiest Daddy Dom because I will make it my mission to keep him pleased and proud and happy with his decision to take me as his babygirl.
Internet dating is difficult…internet dating and searching for a D/s partner is crazy at best. My friend and I have a little “game” we unofficially play that should probably be called “Dom or NOT A DOM!”. It isn’t really meant as a game though…it has evolved as a means of watching out for each other and looking at a situation with those rose-colored glasses off.
I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t want a fuck buddy…I’m a greedy little slut and I want a Dominant. My Dominant wants what is best for me. He wants to find those boundaries that I have created, he wants to know which ones I want to crush into the ground, and he leads me on a path to succeeding. My Dom is protective and loving yet strict and keeps me accountable. He is a leader and wants me to be a stronger and better version of myself. So…when my friend shows me a message that is just riddled with questions about what she is willing to do when they meet…I usually vote “NOT A DOM”. What she has found is one of the garden variety aggressive men who want to play with a kinky girl. Since they feel that they like to be in control in the bedroom…they believe that this makes them a Dominant. Oh my…they are so very wrong. A good Dom…in my opinion anyway…has more control and is not 100% focused on sex and giving you orders for dirty pictures from the first time you begin messaging each other. These boys need a nice vanilla girl that just wants her hair pulled and ass slapped on occasion while they are having sex.
Basically, we start out by having a conversation with someone online. Not intending to play a game, it’s a legitimate conversation on our end…at least that is what we are hoping when we open a message. Most start out ok…you know…a simple “hi”. “Wow…that’s an attention grabber if I ever saw one!” I honestly don’t usually even open those, but this one I did…
OK…so it was definitely unexpected but not exactly what I had in mind. If the only thing you can talk to me about is the size of your cock…I can tell you right now that we are absolutely not a match. You fall into the group of men who are searching for either a hook-up or a FWB and I don’t want either one of those. These are the same men who love their cock so much that they make it their profile picture. I can’t help but laugh when I see this and you will too when you see my inbox…aka “the dick pic line-up”…
Thank you boys…now I don’t have to read your message at all! I can just go down the row and pick which one I like the best. Hmm…That one is a bit too long, oh…too short compared to the rest of these, too thin…well, it can never be too thick…wait, is that one crooked?”. Either way, let’s face it…they are all ugly and I didn’t need to see that. Here’s the thing guys…you need to understand women a little better and I’m going to give you a quick lesson in the differences between us. In general, men are very visually stimulated. You see a nice pair of tits or a picture of a pretty pussy and you get instantly hard and probably can picture that hard cock of yours slowly sliding right in that slippery and warm cavity. I’ll bet you are imagining how amazing that is right now even, aren’t you? See…visual and you’re focused on the physical act, which is fine. What you need to know is that you can talk about how hard your cock is all afternoon to me, describing how you’re stroking it for me and guess what? Even with a picture…I’m only going to be mildly turned on…IF I’m into you already. In general, women are turned on by the mental connection and the mind fuck. If you are a Dominant reading this…you know what I’m referring to. If you can engage me mentally, have me wondering what you are going to do…keep me anticipating, nervous and excited at the same time…well, my friend…you just won the race! I don’t need to see your cock. Quite honestly, they pretty much all look the same anyway. We have pretty much established that if we receive a message from a man with one of the above profile pics…he is immediately placed into the category of NOT A DOM! because these guys shout out pleeeaaase fuck me…look you can even see it first! Guess what? I am already in charge of this situation and I hate topping from the bottom so…sorry, not interested!
On the other end of the spectrum, is the man who actually gets creative. These are a rare breed and deserve a response for their effort. In my opinion, if you can make me laugh, even if I know we are not going to be a match of any kind, you will get a response. This one not only got me to open his message but received a return message as well. I had tears in my eyes from laughing during the exchange and I appreciated the effort and his personality. He received an A for effort…and he was handsome, too. As it turns out, he was good vanilla guy looking for a friend with benefit…not what I was seeking but fun to talk to just the same.
Anyway, back to the game. Women get a lot of messages on these sites. Some are legitimately good guys who are seeking a partner, whether it is vanilla, kinky, or a D/s dynamic of some sort and they are honest about what they seek. Here’s the thing though…among those 4% of men that were just mentioned…there is another 96% that just want a friend with benefits, a fuck buddy, a hook-up and/or a kinky friend who will do things that his/spouse won’t do. The truly sucky part is that it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between all these different men until it is too late. This causes us to waste a lot of time talking to people that we would normally just say something like: “Sorry sweetie…we want different things. Best of luck on your search for the perfect slut”.
This is how the game is played…I receive a screenshot from my friend and she says…what do you think? Dom or not a Dom? I read the exchange and tell her my gut feeling and why. Then, I do the same when I’m on the fence and just can’t decide if I believe what I’m reading or not…”I kind of like this one…he is funny and seems to want and like the same things. What do you think?Or…sometimes you just get sidetracked by the absurd messages that you can’t believe you really just received. Here are a few examples of what we see…big eye roll…
My fellow submissives…here a few guidelines that I personally follow to help me rule out the horny guys that are trying to prey on a woman who they perceive is weaker than they are…
Any man with a dick pic as a profile pic or included in the initial “hello” message is typically not a Dominant. This one is trying to get laid and mistakenly thinks that we won’t be able to think of anything other than getting that cock inside us once we see it as teeny tiny image on our phone screen. Didn’t think that one through very well, did you boys?
Any men that say things like: “How submissive are you?” or “If you’re submissive, then you have to do anything I tell you to do…so show me your tits…now.” OMG…I have to admit that I actually really enjoy getting these messages on occasion. These boys are of the imbecile variety and absolutely do not have a clue. They are here for our entertainment and you are free to tease and taunt them at will for their stupidity. Absolutely not a Dom…not even a man worth a hook-up.
Any boys that say they are 19, call themselves a Master Bull and want to know what the youngest guy you’ve been with is. “Sweetie…you’re not even old enough to be in control of yourself, certainly not a strong alpha submissive woman”. I don’t play or converse with children…NOT A DOM…AND PERMANENTLY BLOCKED.
Any men that immediately demand that you call them Daddy or Sir or Master from the very first conversation. You have not earned that title and respect buddy. I’m not your little girl and you aren’t my Dom until you’ve earned my trust and respect. There are some of this variety that are Doms but tend to be arrogant and need the constant reminder that they are in control by needing that title at all times. Many others do not really get it and think that if they get us calling them Daddy or Sir or Master right away, maybe we won’t notice that they have never done this before. NOT A DOM…NEXT!!
Beware of the men who show all the pictures of their toys in their profile pictures. These guys are working really hard to show you what they want to do to you but it doesn’t mean that they know how to use those implements safely. Also, knowing how to use a flogger or a paddle doesn’t mean you are Dominant. It means that you are kinky and like to play with fun toys. That’s OK and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this variety of men but if I need a true Dom, you need to know that I need the mental domination too. Meeting to play on occasion isn’t going to do anything for me. We aren’t a match because you aren’t a leader…you’re a fun kinky guy. NOT A DOM!
Any men that don’t understand what some basic things mean when you talk about what you need and want in a D/s relationship. I once had someone who claimed to be an experienced Dominant ask me what D/s stood for…seriously?! Anyone who doesn’t know what aftercare is and why it is so important after a scene…RUN. This one is dangerous and he is not a good Dom if he is one at all.
Finally, anyone who is disrespectful or makes you feel bad in any way. A good Dom should make you feel beautiful, wanted, cherished and empowered. If he is making you feel stressed, broken, sad or bad about yourself…he is not a good Dom and I would venture to call him an abusive bully. RUN and don’t look back.
In closing, just remember that we all have different kinks, wants and needs in this dynamic. Communication is critical in building the necessary trust that is needed. Yes, you need to talk about your kinks with a potential partner…but guess what? The kinks are not the number one concern. You need to connect with each as people first…do you even like each other? Go with personality first, if that test is passed, look at the type of dynamic you both want. What are his expectations of a submissive? Who cares if he is an expert with a flogger if your personalities clash and he wants to keep you caged like a pet while he watches his football game on Sundays? It’s your hard limit? Too bad…it isn’t his so get in the cage. Ummm…was the flogger worth it? Perhaps this should have been thought through a little better, huh? Communicate and be honest and then everyone gets what they want and need…and for fuck’s sake guys…get creative and be honest about what you want. I have so much faith in you…you can do it!
I have a pet peeve that I’m finding to be occurring more and more often lately. OK…actually there are two of them. There must be a better screening tool to avoid these issues in the future.
Relationships are hard..and not the good kind of hard either. Those that are serious tend to be on their extra best behavior in order to try to win the affection of the one that they find the most interesting. Sometimes, they trade some of that best behavior for what they think are little white lies…you know…something that they think is unimportant and easily forgiven once she meets him and decides he is just perfect for her. Guess what boys…it’s a bad idea. A really bad idea. That one small lie…avoidance of the truth…the: “oops, I didn’t know that my profile said that….” It sets the stage for me not believing you at all. (This is different from putting the incorrect town where you reside, as long as it is in the general vicinity. I do it too…it is a safety thing) Here is what happens when I learn that I have been given incorrect information…first, I’m bothered by the mistruth. “Well, it isn’t that bad, we are having fun, connecting, enjoying each others company. It’s ok. I can let this go”. Then, the next day, I sit down and reflect on how things are going and I see things a little differently. What else did he tell me that is only half truth? This is when I start thinking about how you seem to say all the right things…”but wait, did he mean them or did he know that it is what I wanted to hear, therefore probably isn’t the truth?” The funny thing is that these silly little lies probably were not needed in the first place. The truth isn’t even bad…I wouldn’t have cared had I known it from the start. Now there is a cloud of doubt. In this lifestyle, trust is imperative. Don’t get me wrong…teasing, a good mind fuck and joking around are perfectly acceptable and encouraged. It is the mistruth that is meant to mislead and deceive that is never okay. It will backfire EVERY time. It ruins the headspace. It takes away your ability for me to let go and trust you to lead me where I need to go. I no longer know if you really do have my best interests in mind. I feel manipulated when this happens and my protective walls go back up and then get reinforced. Finally, it makes me sad. Just tell the truth boys. It will pay off in the long run.
This brings me to the second pet peeve. Do not tell me that you are a Dominant unless you are a Dominant. Seems pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? No…this is a common mental disorder that I have found among men of all ages lately. So many swear that they are Dominants but “wait… what does that mean? I’m new to this”. Guess what sweetie, you are not a Dominant and you will not have a snowballs chance in hell at exhibiting any kind of control over me. You enjoy playing the part of a Dominant in the bedroom…that is role play and rough sex, my friend…that isn’t Dominance. What we have here ladies, is the standard variety horny and kinky man. There is nothing wrong with this breed of man, but he is falsely advertising who he is. Yes, I know…we all have to start someplace…we were all new once. You are absolutely right but I am not a submissive who enjoys teaching a kinky man how to be a Dominant. I will not be your practice target as you learn some new skills and I do not wish to explain to you how to create a mind space for me so you can make me act more submissive for you. If you can’t already do this, and do it well, then we are absolutely not a good match. This breed of man is best off seeking out the breed of woman who refuses to take orders outside of the bedroom but does enjoy kinky sex with the horny kinky man. I wish them all the happiness in the world. Please stop messaging me…I am not that breed of woman and no, I don’t want to join the two of you and teach her how to be more submissive. Good luck with that. The horny kinky man cannot handle me. I promise.