The adventure continues…

August 10, 2019

Another week has already passed. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes now. I try to slow it down, but I can faintly hear it laugh as it passes at an ever-increasing speed. I try not to focus on the small bumps in the road and to keep my mind on the big picture, the life journey and everyone who has joined my adventure.

They say that time flies when you are having fun…but it also flies when you are just plain busy. I look around me and can create a mental list of many things I need to do today. A little tidying up around the house, general housecleaning that just can’t get done with long work days and commuting, preparing for the imminent start of the school year and a trip to France and Morocco that is closing in on me quickly.

If I merely look at the past year, I see so much positive change:

  • I started a new job, with new responsibilities and accountability. It has been scary, challenging and an incredible learning experience. The stress has been well worth all the benefits of a new career path with an incredible organization.
  • I have seen the end of Elementary and Middle school in my home. I have four smart, well-adjusted, happy and successful children. They amaze me every day and I am so incredibly proud of the young adults that they are becoming. I see them doing amazing things in the future and truly being productive and amazing influences in the world.
  • God help me…I have another driver in the house! Exciting for him and stressful for me. I love the independence that he will now have but his mom is going to worry about his safety every time he leaves my driveway. He is a smart kid though and I know he will continue to make the smart decisions that he always makes. Three down…one to go!
  • My oldest just moved into a new college apartment with some friends. They are an incredible group of young adults with good heads on their shoulders. I am so proud of the organization, planning, budgeting and preparation that she has done to prepare for this move. She organized everything and made it happen. A truly amazing young woman with a big heart. She makes me so proud every single day.
  • Mon amore…how is it possible that it has been five months already? I cannot remember my life without him and look forward to so many more adventures in the future. The countdown continues for our trip overseas…I am so excited and absolutely petrified all at the same time. Two weeks of travel and quality time together. It is exactly what we need. Two weeks to focus on us, our relationship, his family our future and just enjoying life…no work, errands, yardwork and everyday stressors. I am so excited to meet his family and friends while we are there and to see the places he remembers fondly as a child and young adult. I will be truly dependent on him to guide me through the many language barriers and to navigate the cultural customs of the places we will visit. I am learning French as quickly as I can so I can communicate with his family and trying to learn about the customs of both countries so I can visit confidently and show everyone the respect they deserve. I am so appreciative of this opportunity and truly cannot wait to begin this journey! He takes wonderful care of me, shows me his love and guidance daily and I feel thankful every day that he has found me.

Time really does fly when you’re having fun! I have learned to join in the laughter as I hear time and its’ whispered laugh in my ear as it passes. It used to scare me…it passed so slow as a child and then picked up speed as the years went by. All the things I would put off until I had more time or money but you never get more time…you simply need to learn to use the time you have wisely. Life is an adventure…a great learning experience that is meant to be enjoyed and not wasted. There are lots of twists and turns…it’s like being in a choose your own adventure book. Go to page 38 if you choose to board the plane…or continue reading on the next page if you are afraid to take a chance and want to take the easy road. Sure, you will survive life on what is perceived as the easy path as you complain about life’s difficulties but without putting in the effort to leave your comfort zone you will never be truly happy. I have made tough decisions; I am stronger and happier because of each of them. I am choosing to board the plane. I have chosen my adventure and am fortunate to have the most amazing people to share the journey with…it is time to start packing my bags and preparing for page 38!

🎶🎶…and the daffodils look lovely today 🎶🎶

Daffodil Lament by Delores Mary O’Riordan

August 3, 2019

As I sit here on a peaceful Saturday morning with my cup of coffee, I can’t help but to reflect on my life, experiences that I have had, both good and bad, and decisions that I have made. My journey has taken so many twists and turns. No one has a straight line journey, we all take detours and stray from the path at times. We just need to hope that we find our way back again.

I am fortunate to have found my way back after a detour in the wrong direction. I was lost in the wilderness and fighting my way back, I am fortunate to have found my way with no permanent scars. No experience is wasted and this one has taught me so very much about who I am, who I need in my life and who I need to keep out of my life. One thing I have learned is that standing up for yourself, closing a door and locking it, is far from running away. This is growth and knowing when to walk away from negative and harmful energy. It is also one of the most difficult things I have done and it has been proven to me over and over again that it was also one of the smartest things I have decided to do.

That closed door has now been sealed. I will not ever open it again…because opening it would drag me right back into the poisonous atmosphere where the drama lives. People talking about and using each other, manipulation and lies, and the constant judgement in a lifestyle that likes to brag about their lack of judgement and willingness to accept each other for who they are. If you are a person who can openly say that you do not trust or like someone but only keep them around because they do something for you…we absolutely cannot be friends. I truly question if we ever were…I was being used too. I do not use people for what they can do for me. I spend time with people and choose my friends because I enjoy spending time with them and because I genuinely like them. I fell for the lies and so have so many others…eventually they will see it too. I won’t be there to see it happen nor do I want to be because I have happily moved on and am in a healthy place. I slammed that door shut and bolted it.

I am now at peace and I am happy. The drama is GONE. My rose-colored glasses have been put away and I can see with clarity. It is fascinating to me that removing one person that you thought was a positive and supportive part of your life can prove your fear that he/she is actually the cause of all the problems. Simple proof is when all the issues vanish with them. I can breathe again. I wake in the morning well rested with a smile as I stretch the sleep away. I do not miss any of it…at…all.

Today, I sit with a smile as I enjoy a warm and sunny morning with my coffee. I look forward to the day as I anticipate spending time with my amazing kids and the most amazing, loving and supportive man that is in my life. He has lovingly guided me back on my path which has merged with his. We are now on this journey together and I can see that the path ahead is exciting, positive and full of love. Instead of having constant twists, turns and bumps on my path, we hold hands and follow the gentle curve of the path. As he holds me in his arms, I feel safe, happy and loved. Life is good.

The daffodils truly do look lovely today. 🎶🎶🎶

Heartbroken…betrayed…disappointed…frustrated…moving on…drama free…content…happy!

July 21, 2019

I don’t think you always realize that you have been dragged onto the drama rollercoaster until you are fully riding the ride and looking for the controller to shut it off so you can exit.

I willingly climbed onto the rollercoaster in March, 2018. It was the day I went to my very first munch. This was the day my life changed. I was petrified to walk into the restaurant because I have a deep and dark secret. I have severe social anxiety. I am working hard to get over this but I continue to struggle. When I walk into a public place filled with people I don’t know, I have an irrational fear that I am being watched and silently judged. I am fully aware that the majority of people are not giving me a second thought but the feeling causes extreme anxiety and makes me feel very self-conscious. In an effort to make myself less scared, I stand up tall, force myself to keep my head up and I put a big smile on my face…I am all too aware that if you look confident you tend to feel confident as well. It works for me…the down side of this is that there are usually other people working on their insecurities and when they see you feeling confident and strong…they misread your confidence as you thinking you are better than them. In the end, their insecurities show their own weakness…if you are submissive and Dominants in the room think you have more confidence than they do…well hold on tight because that rollercoaster is now climbing to the first hill and it is going to drop fast when it reaches the top.

So, I walked into that room and was welcomed by a few people that I had spoken to online prior to my arrival. They were friendly but I could feel myself being watched and judged. It was fair because I was coming into an established group. They needed to trust me as much as I needed to trust them. In the end, it felt like a successful night. I made some friends and planned to spend time socially with everyone again soon after.

I should be clear now…I was not new to BDSM and kink on the day of that first munch. I had previously been in a relationship with a Dominant and had learned that I truly enjoyed my kinky side. The part that was new and scary for me was to be in the kink community, owning my kinky self in public and embracing who I really am on the inside. I am a timid, sweet, empathic, silly and kind woman who has learned to be outspoken and to stand up for herself. I am respectful and demand the same respect in return. Unfortunately, I am also very trusting. Too trusting. I tend to see the good in people and assume that people have the same good intentions that I do when they really don’t. This opens me up to being taken advantage of and feeling used.

So this rollercoaster started slow, like a kiddy ride. Sure, there were ups and downs with some minor drama that would happen, but I helped when I could and tried to stay out of the rest. What I have learned is that some people enjoy the drama and create it when the ride seems to be slowing down. This happened to me over and over again throughout the last year. Was it all in fun and a Dom mind-fuck or was he just being cruel? I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and play along. Many times it was fun but it would turn mean and make me feel bad. I guess sometimes that those who call themselves Dominant feel the need to make others feel small so they can feel better and stronger and more in control. Congratulations…you made a scared girl cry. I’m sure you feel tough now. I was never able to let my wall down with this group…I tried and I wanted to but I didn’t trust everyone to keep me safe and not damage my psychological health. I am typically a happy girl and live a stressful but really happy life. I work hard and am surrounded by a loving family. I do not have an interest in spending time with anyone that makes me feel stressed socially.

The rollercoaster picked up speed over the last three months. I was getting verbally attacked and judged when I would go out and it was unacceptable. I didn’t understand why it was happening. I had never done anything to anyone there. I didn’t even have communication outside of the munches. I did date a lot in the last year. I was seeking a long term relationship and made several mistakes along the way. Apparently, I was supposed to chose one of the Doms in the group to submit to because they would train me well. Whatever…I am not going to just submit to some guy because he has a self-inflated ego and calls himself a Dominant. The person that I was seeking was a man who I felt attracted to, enjoyed his company in a vanilla setting while having a strong sexual connection and felt that a long-term relationship where I would trust his influence on my children was probable and he could be introduced and blend in with my family dynamic. So no…not just anyone will meet the qualifications. Do I look down on anyone that does not meet these qualifications? Hell no…not at all…they are not a match for me as a relationship but certainly I respect them as friends and enjoy spending time socializing with every one of them.

My current state…I got off the rollercoaster about a month ago. One of the Doms crossed the line one time too many. I already wrote about my decision to take my happiness back. I did exactly that too. After I wrote my journal entry, I signed onto my FetLife profile and cleaned it up. I deleted many people that brought negative energy into my life. I deleted all of my pictures and most of my journals. I had a few more unfriend and block me which made me giggle a little because all they really did was save me a step. When I was done, I walked away and spent three weeks in peace without thinking about any of them.

Little did I know, there was at least one who was obsessing about me and discussing to anyone that would listen just how awful I was. Apparently, I can’t be trusted because I was dating a lot previously but the fact that I am in a relationship with significant plans for the future didn’t matter. There is also the very big issue that I am not interested in a 24/7 high protocol relationship. That makes me a very bad submissive. Umm…ok. The approval of those outside my relationship are completely insignificant to me. Our dynamic is a healthy one. We have mutual respect and live a mainly vanilla daily life but I know my boundaries and there are certain things that I absolutely do not argue. When my life gets too overwhelming, he steps in and takes action to control the tornado whirling in my head. He quiets my storm and returns the calm waters. I love him and I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I will not conform to the expectations of the group when it comes to my personal life and dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant/Daddy. You do you…and I will do me the way that makes us happy.

Why do I care if this man is talking about me behind my back? I honestly don’t. I was dragged back into the drama because he was venting about me to my bestie. He spewed all kinds of hate in my direction and she delivered on cue. She told me all about the nasty things that he was saying about me. Told me that he never wanted to play with me because he didn’t trust me…bahahahaha…no, he didn’t play with me because I never invited him. I didn’t trust him to honor my boundaries and limits and quite honestly I had zero attraction…zero. No, he would never play with me…even if he wanted to. So, I was sucked back in…defending myself to someone I have no contact with anymore. Trying to help my bestie in her quest to say the right thing when she was questioned at the next munch. How about this…how about just not talking about me at all?! It didn’t stop with me though…conversations were being had about another friend too. Things shared in confidence were being discussed “on accident”. If you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? The intent was to hurt me but what ended up happening is he hurt her the most. I am angry and I am hurt that she would continue to spend time with him, knowing what he does to me. She calls him a dick and says that she doesn’t trust him and yet she involves him in her life. There are women that she says can’t be trusted and that she doesn’t like, yet she keeps talking to them and gossiping with them because they drive her places she wants to go. She talks about me and another friend and shares our secrets. I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. It makes me wonder why she has kept me around…what did I provide to her? I was always honest and helped her any way that I was able and in the end, the friendship ended because she was greedy. All the people she warned us not to trust are the ones that she was maintaining friendships with by sharing her gossip on her rides to various functions. Anytime I questioned what she was doing, she always said that she talks to them because they give her rides places. Ouch. My friends are friends because I enjoy spending time with them not because they provide me with something I need.

It is time to climb off the rollercoaster. I shut down the rides’ power last month but I was still buckled in. Today, I managed to remove the seatbelt. I closed that chapter in my book and have begun a new one. I am planning a trip with my love to Europe to meet his family this fall. I am enjoying the remaining days of the summer with my family and friends. I have deleted my FetLife and Kik accounts to keep the drama out of my life and I don’t miss them in the slightest. All the negative people that were in my life can continue their ride on the rollercoaster and have their fun, I will not be joining them in the ride to nowhere. I’m sure the gossip continues and she pretends to be a good person while she uses people that she calls friends to their faces. I know the truth though. If you have something they want or need, you will become a friend very quickly but they will turn on you faster than you can anticipate it happening if you have your guard down. I believe in karma though and everything sorts itself out in the end. I’m just glad I won’t be there to sift through the drama and be expected to defend and help put all the pieces back together. I have everything I want in my life and I am truly happy. No one can take that away.

As I release this journal, the events within it become part of my past, to be looked upon only as a learning experience. Something that can no longer hurt me.

Today is the first day of my new life and I can’t wait to start the adventure!

Je suis contente

Happy [hap-ee] adjective, happier, happiest.

  1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
  2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
  3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
  4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas

Synonyms: cheerful, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, joyful, joyous, jubilant, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, pleasant, pleased, thrilled, upbeat, blessed, captivated, gleeful, gratified.

I have not journaled in a long time. I don’t like to write just because I think I should. I write sometimes out of stress, occasionally for self-therapy as a way to express myself and to validate my feelings and today I write from a peaceful place. It pleases me immensely that my followers enjoy and relate to my writing but truthfully, I write for me. I write because it makes me feel good and allows me to look back at my experiences and feelings and growth.

Today, I write from the dining room table in the house of my amazing boyfriend, lover, daddy, and safe place. He is my happy place. I can hear him outside mowing the lawn while I prepare dinner inside, listening to music and just smiling to myself. I sit here reflecting on relationships gone wrong, poor choices and how all those lessons led me to him at the exact right time.

A good friend has always told me that I am perfect. As he mentored me, he made me repeat it to him every time I saw him. It made me uncomfortable at first but I recognize that it was an exercise in loving myself, to quit being so hard on myself and not to change myself for anyone other than for me. I love me. I’m a strong, smart, pretty, funny, driven, trusting and loving follower that tries to see the good in everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have been fooled and taken advantage of by bullies, liars and narcissistic men who were foolish enough to think that I would tolerate those characteristics once I learned who they really were when they weren’t on stage in front of my friends.

I see it now. My lessons learned are clear as day and I can see them because this wonderful man has opened my eyes. When I met him two months ago, I thought he was too good to be true. No one is this nice, caring, loving and generous. I was guarded and waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for this man to show his true colors and make me feel foolish, broken and devastated. Guess what…he is every bit as incredible today as he was that first day and he keeps getting better as our relationship grows stronger.

As I try to evaluate our path and the things that have gone right compared to the failures in the past, I have found a few things that have become keys to our success.

Open and honest communication. This has become our cornerstone. Without the ability to feel safe being open and honest, we have nothing. I feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings and he does the same. As we have talked and shared simple daily thoughts and dreams, we have learned just how much we have in common and our bond continues to strengthen because of this.

We have made a point to always send a good morning text…every…single…morning, no matter how busy our day is about to be. This has been what starts my day for two months and how I start my stressful days with a smile. “Bonjour babe, je t’aime. Je te souhaite une journee agreeable”.  Seriously…what the fuck…makes my heart race just reading it here.

This leads us to my French lessons. Sure, I learned a bit in school but I sucked at it. Now, I feel inspired to remember the things that I previously learned and continue to try to learn more. I have a goal to learn more and become conversational. French is his native language and the language his family continues to speak at home in Paris. I have met his mother via facetime and I would love to be able to speak to her without him translating for us. He talks about going home in the fall and bringing me with to meet his family. I want to be able show the respect to his family by speaking in their language as much as I can when we are there. We speak in French when I can so my vocabulary is slowly growing…I speak at the level of 5 year old but you have to start someplace and I am determined to improve.

We both find it critical for our relationship to speak on the phone every night before going to sleep and have never missed a night. Sometimes that call to say goodnight becomes a 2-hour conversation with laughs and a French lesson. Bon nuit daddy. Bon reve. Tu me monque. Gros bisou. Je t’aime. How do you not fall asleep with a smile every night after that?

We laugh, he makes me dance, he gives an amazing spanking when I need it (and lets face it…I need it a lot), he dehydrates me (thank goodness for tarps!) and I can honestly say that no one has ever fucked me like he does…damn! We go on dates, we do domestic shit around the house, we go out dancing with friends, we go to munches, we cook together, and we just enjoy cuddling and watching a good movie together. He is my leader. I trust him and have no reason to question his decisions. He takes care of me and never tries to make me feel small or weak. He empowers me, makes me feel beautiful and loved and is always making sure I am happy and feel safe. He has rescued me when my car broke down…twice…and makes me feel safe and secure when I am stressed and overwhelmed.

We also recognize that it is important to set goals and plans. It gives you a reason to wake up with a smile and provides something to work toward…even more so when you write it down. Accountability is important. We have goals and plans. We want to visit Nashville this summer. We want to visit France and Morocco in the fall and I want to learn more French prior to going on this trip. We want to make a plan to be together, to get that adorable house in the country with a hot tub, fireplace, four-wheelers and a dungeon 😉 Goals are what make us look forward to the future with a smile.

As I sit here writing, I look up and see him looking at me, smiling, as we listen to the lyrics to the songs from “A Star is Born”, the movie we watched the first night we were together. The love story and the music speaks to me. I said that I thought the lyrics were powerful…his response…”yes, like us”. He is right…we have a powerful bond full of love and passion. The lyrics to these songs are something we both keep coming back to months after that first date. We have hit the golden buzzer…independently yet simultaneously. I am delighted. I am peaceful. I am blessed.

Je suis contente.