Ummm…not a “Dom”…

January 19, 2019

Internet dating is difficult…internet dating and searching for a D/s partner is crazy at best. My friend and I have a little “game” we unofficially play that should probably be called “Dom or NOT A DOM!”. It isn’t really meant as a game though…it has evolved as a means of watching out for each other and looking at a situation with those rose-colored glasses off.

I found this in my feed on tumbler…it is just so true…if you learn nothing else, my dear submissive friends, please remember this quote…

I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t want a fuck buddy…I’m a greedy little slut and I want a Dominant. My Dominant wants what is best for me. He wants to find those boundaries that I have created, he wants to know which ones I want to crush into the ground, and he leads me on a path to succeeding. My Dom is protective and loving yet strict and keeps me accountable. He is a leader and wants me to be a stronger and better version of myself. So…when my friend shows me a message that is just riddled with questions about what she is willing to do when they meet…I usually vote “NOT A DOM”. What she has found is one of the garden variety aggressive men who want to play with a kinky girl. Since they feel that they like to be in control in the bedroom…they believe that this makes them a Dominant. Oh my…they are so very wrong. A good Dom…in my opinion anyway…has more control and is not 100% focused on sex and giving you orders for dirty pictures from the first time you begin messaging each other. These boys need a nice vanilla girl that just wants her hair pulled and ass slapped on occasion while they are having sex.

Basically, we start out by having a conversation with someone online. Not intending to play a game, it’s a legitimate conversation on our end…at least that is what we are hoping when we open a message. Most start out ok…you know…a simple “hi”. “Wow…that’s an attention grabber if I ever saw one!” I honestly don’t usually even open those, but this one I did…

What did he expect? “OMG…it’s the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen! It’s so much bigger than all the others that were sent to me today! I need that in me NOW…” Game over…NOT A DOM!

OK…so it was definitely unexpected but not exactly what I had in mind. If the only thing you can talk to me about is the size of your cock…I can tell you right now that we are absolutely not a match. You fall into the group of men who are searching for either a hook-up or a FWB and I don’t want either one of those. These are the same men who love their cock so much that they make it their profile picture. I can’t help but laugh when I see this and you will too when you see my inbox…aka “the dick pic line-up”…

Dick pic line-up…and yes I am protecting the identity of these cocks by removing the site I received these on and their screen names from the screen shot that I took of my inbox…I’m not a monster!!

Thank you boys…now I don’t have to read your message at all! I can just go down the row and pick which one I like the best. Hmm…That one is a bit too long, oh…too short compared to the rest of these, too thin…well, it can never be too thick…wait, is that one crooked?”. Either way, let’s face it…they are all ugly and I didn’t need to see that. Here’s the thing guys…you need to understand women a little better and I’m going to give you a quick lesson in the differences between us. In general, men are very visually stimulated. You see a nice pair of tits or a picture of a pretty pussy and you get instantly hard and probably can picture that hard cock of yours slowly sliding right in that slippery and warm cavity. I’ll bet you are imagining how amazing that is right now even, aren’t you? See…visual and you’re focused on the physical act, which is fine. What you need to know is that you can talk about how hard your cock is all afternoon to me, describing how you’re stroking it for me and guess what? Even with a picture…I’m only going to be mildly turned on…IF I’m into you already. In general, women are turned on by the mental connection and the mind fuck. If you are a Dominant reading this…you know what I’m referring to. If you can engage me mentally, have me wondering what you are going to do…keep me anticipating, nervous and excited at the same time…well, my friend…you just won the race! I don’t need to see your cock. Quite honestly, they pretty much all look the same anyway. We have pretty much established that if we receive a message from a man with one of the above profile pics…he is immediately placed into the category of NOT A DOM! because these guys shout out pleeeaaase fuck me…look you can even see it first! Guess what? I am already in charge of this situation and I hate topping from the bottom so…sorry, not interested!

OMG…I thought you’d never find me! With an initial message like that…how could I possibly say no?! WTF…NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!

On the other end of the spectrum, is the man who actually gets creative. These are a rare breed and deserve a response for their effort. In my opinion, if you can make me laugh, even if I know we are not going to be a match of any kind, you will get a response. This one not only got me to open his message but received a return message as well. I had tears in my eyes from laughing during the exchange and I appreciated the effort and his personality. He received an A for effort…and he was handsome, too. As it turns out, he was good vanilla guy looking for a friend with benefit…not what I was seeking but fun to talk to just the same.

Easily one of my favorite initial messages I have ever received…

Anyway, back to the game. Women get a lot of messages on these sites. Some are legitimately good guys who are seeking a partner, whether it is vanilla, kinky, or a D/s dynamic of some sort and they are honest about what they seek. Here’s the thing though…among those 4% of men that were just mentioned…there is another 96% that just want a friend with benefits, a fuck buddy, a hook-up and/or a kinky friend who will do things that his/spouse won’t do. The truly sucky part is that it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between all these different men until it is too late. This causes us to waste a lot of time talking to people that we would normally just say something like: “Sorry sweetie…we want different things. Best of luck on your search for the perfect slut”.

Umm…NOT A DOM! NEXT!!

This is how the game is played…I receive a screenshot from my friend and she says…what do you think? Dom or not a Dom? I read the exchange and tell her my gut feeling and why. Then, I do the same when I’m on the fence and just can’t decide if I believe what I’m reading or not…”I kind of like this one…he is funny and seems to want and like the same things. What do you think?Or…sometimes you just get sidetracked by the absurd messages that you can’t believe you really just received. Here are a few examples of what we see…big eye roll…

NOT A DOM! Wishes he was kinky…LOL…NEXT!!!

First of all…you aren’t my Daddy just because you call yourself a Daddy…second…a good Daddy wants to nurture and care for his girl. This is not how Daddy says hello the first time. NOT A DOM! NEXT!!!

Daddy shouldn’t have to try to be in charge…he just is. Also, Dominant and bossy are two different things. I don’t need or want bossy…I want a leader. You just want to cum on a set of tits? That’s not a very good Daddy…Daddy wants to take really good care of his girl first because he knows that his girl can’t serve him well unless she is being cared for too. NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!!

My fellow submissives…here a few guidelines that I personally follow to help me rule out the horny guys that are trying to prey on a woman who they perceive is weaker than they are…

  • Any man with a dick pic as a profile pic or included in the initial “hello” message is typically not a Dominant. This one is trying to get laid and mistakenly thinks that we won’t be able to think of anything other than getting that cock inside us once we see it as teeny tiny image on our phone screen. Didn’t think that one through very well, did you boys?
  • Any men that say things like: “How submissive are you?” or “If you’re submissive, then you have to do anything I tell you to do…so show me your tits…now.” OMG…I have to admit that I actually really enjoy getting these messages on occasion. These boys are of the imbecile variety and absolutely do not have a clue. They are here for our entertainment and you are free to tease and taunt them at will for their stupidity. Absolutely not a Dom…not even a man worth a hook-up.
  • Any boys that say they are 19, call themselves a Master Bull and want to know what the youngest guy you’ve been with is. “Sweetie…you’re not even old enough to be in control of yourself, certainly not a strong alpha submissive woman”. I don’t play or converse with children…NOT A DOM…AND PERMANENTLY BLOCKED.
  • Any men that immediately demand that you call them Daddy or Sir or Master from the very first conversation. You have not earned that title and respect buddy. I’m not your little girl and you aren’t my Dom until you’ve earned my trust and respect. There are some of this variety that are Doms but tend to be arrogant and need the constant reminder that they are in control by needing that title at all times. Many others do not really get it and think that if they get us calling them Daddy or Sir or Master right away, maybe we won’t notice that they have never done this before. NOT A DOM…NEXT!!
  • Beware of the men who show all the pictures of their toys in their profile pictures. These guys are working really hard to show you what they want to do to you but it doesn’t mean that they know how to use those implements safely. Also, knowing how to use a flogger or a paddle doesn’t mean you are Dominant. It means that you are kinky and like to play with fun toys. That’s OK and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this variety of men but if I need a true Dom, you need to know that I need the mental domination too. Meeting to play on occasion isn’t going to do anything for me. We aren’t a match because you aren’t a leader…you’re a fun kinky guy. NOT A DOM!
  • Any men that don’t understand what some basic things mean when you talk about what you need and want in a D/s relationship. I once had someone who claimed to be an experienced Dominant ask me what D/s stood for…seriously?! Anyone who doesn’t know what aftercare is and why it is so important after a scene…RUN. This one is dangerous and he is not a good Dom if he is one at all.
  • Finally, anyone who is disrespectful or makes you feel bad in any way. A good Dom should make you feel beautiful, wanted, cherished and empowered. If he is making you feel stressed, broken, sad or bad about yourself…he is not a good Dom and I would venture to call him an abusive bully. RUN and don’t look back.

In closing, just remember that we all have different kinks, wants and needs in this dynamic. Communication is critical in building the necessary trust that is needed. Yes, you need to talk about your kinks with a potential partner…but guess what? The kinks are not the number one concern. You need to connect with each as people first…do you even like each other? Go with personality first, if that test is passed, look at the type of dynamic you both want. What are his expectations of a submissive? Who cares if he is an expert with a flogger if your personalities clash and he wants to keep you caged like a pet while he watches his football game on Sundays? It’s your hard limit? Too bad…it isn’t his so get in the cage. Ummm…was the flogger worth it? Perhaps this should have been thought through a little better, huh? Communicate and be honest and then everyone gets what they want and need…and for fuck’s sake guys…get creative and be honest about what you want. I have so much faith in you…you can do it!

Another tumbler find…I have no idea who it belongs to but it is 100% true. You know when you have that feeling that something isn’t right. Trust your gut and walk away. Your gut is rarely wrong.

The Joys of Online Dating for a Submissive

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I have found that many online cannot commit. Some are married, others want a kinky friend with benefits (FWB) and many more call themselves Dominants but have no idea what a real submissive even is. 

“Wait…so you’re submissive? So, if I tell you to show me your tits, you have to do it, right?” … Wow, yeah that is exactly how it works. I just blindly follow the orders of every asshat on the street because, as a submissive, I do not have any functioning brain cells. What a fucking moron.

These little boys have no idea the strength, resilience and trust it takes to submit to someone. I know that I have more strength in me on a bad day than these pathetic boys will ever hope to have. I digress…this sounds judgmental now doesn’t it? Believe it or not, I do not judge all of these individuals because they are all making choices that are right for them. What I perceive as unfair though, is that they sometimes judge me harshly for not wanting to be involved in what they are rationalizing as an appropriate decision that is working for them in their situation. I think that some have forgotten that just because I am online and am an unattached submissive, it doesn’t mean that I am obligated to submit to their needs and be happy to serve a lonely, sex deprived, elderly married man. “Hot damn…where do I sign up for that?! I NEED TO SNATCH THAT ONE UP BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!”I think that someone is forgetting that I also have the right to make the choices that are right for me and those choices include seeking a relationship with someone who I am attracted to…yep, that’s right boys, just because you like getting off to my pictures, doesn’t mean that I can stand the sight of you. 

Age can be a real issue. I receive a lot of messages from boys…yes I’m calling you boys…who want to fulfill their fantasy of finding Mrs Robinson. Hate to burst your bubble kids…I have ZERO interest in a single one of you. I don’t care if you are 22 and keep it hard for hours…my glass dildo lasts even longer, and I have more skill in my right hand than you do in that cock that I see in your profile picture with the remote control or water bottle. Oh…I’m sorry, you thought you were being original. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the entitled elderly “gentleman” who swears that it still works…just give him a chance. Guess what, I’ll bet that old toothbrush lying on the curb on garbage day still works too…doesn’t mean I’m going to put it in my mouth. Gross. I get a lot of rude comments from men that are 70-ish. Apparently, I am not so young either and as a 47-year-old woman, I should just give up and fuck him because he is as good as it gets for me. “Whew! So glad he found me in time!” I am not looking for young and I am not looking for old. I am not looking for a rich guy to take care of me either. Quit telling me about your money. I DON’T CARE. I love my job, I have worked hard for what I have and I won’t be leaving my career to serve you or anyone else. What I seek is someone within 10 years of my own age. As I have told my submissive friends, if I can’t picture myself willingly on my knees, begging him to allow me to worship his cock on a regular basis…I can tell you right now that he will never be my Dominant, no matter how much I respect him and value his friendship. My Dominant will be attractive to me, kind but strict, he will allow me to be myself while molding me to be the submissive that I long to be, he will be funny and allow me to embrace my creativity and humor, sometimes without consequence (as long as I am being respectful, of course!) and he will be a true long term and loving partner. 

I guess that I am just a bad girl for not wanting to submit to that married guy. Hurry…someone spank me for that!! I should probably feel bad for their tough life of deprived sexual contact. If they are that miserable, they should either fix it or leave. I am not here to fill their void. I will be the cherished partner…NEVER the secret one. Many love to tell me that they love their wife or their girlfriend so they don’t want to leave…what was I thinking? I should understand this and just let them fuck me on the side. We can be “discreet” so no one gets hurt. He can just give me orders, demand naughty pictures and control me from a distance. “Wow…that sounds awesome! What a lucky girl I am to be chosen for this great honor. Fuck off buddy…not interested.” This is a win-win situation only for him…the great and powerful almighty Dom. Guess what asshole…I WOULD GET HURT BECAUSE SUBMISSION IS NOT AN EMPTY ACT FOR ME. I guess I don’t count, huh?

Here’s the thing…I was married once too. I loved my husband and continue to love him. We were not on the same page anymore though. It happens. My marriage was no longer healthy. My needs were not being met. Instead of seeking it elsewhere and taking the easy road by staying married, I divorced him and found my way. I did not expect others to compromise their self-respect by asking them to be part of a cheating wife’s escapades. Perhaps they wouldn’t have cared. With that being said, I am actually not judging. I know it sounds like I am, but I just don’t want to be part of the triangle in someone else’s marriage. I don’t share well. If I’m playing, fucking and connecting with someone…he is not going home to someone else’s bed. I am not spending all of my holidays alone while he enjoys it with the family he pretends does not exist when he is with me. That’s where it hurts me. I will NEVER be someone’s dirty little secret. 

Here is the thing I learned from all of this. I think that when we first enter this lifestyle, we dip our toes in the water, we start experimenting and search for what we perceive is the ideal partner…whether it is of the Dominant or submissive persuasion. A young, fit, attractive person with an infectious personality and a great career…then we wake the fuck up and realize that the only thing that should really matter is the connection, energy and dynamic. Newbies tend to need the handsome prince or princess…I have found that handsome is all in the eye of the beholder. I have met socially beautiful people just to find them turning ugly as they open their mouth to speak. I have also met socially average to below-average looking individuals and found myself incredibly attracted because of the way they treat me and the wonderful and loving personality that they have. Sometimes you do need to kiss a few toads to find that prince but when you do, you’ll be glad you tossed those toads back into the pond…or the highway…whatever works.

I am a natural submissive. Do not mistake my kindness (and a simple hello) for weakness. I am nice to everyone unless you give me a reason not to be. I will be sassy to everyone…seriously…what does a girl need to do to get a spanking around here? Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I’ll add it to the list! 

Newbie subs…don’t give up and don’t settle. Let the toads all sort it out in the murky pond on their own. Your prince will find you when you least expect it. He/she is worth the wait.