🎶🎶…and the daffodils look lovely today đźŽ¶đźŽ¶

Daffodil Lament by Delores Mary O’Riordan

August 3, 2019


As I sit here on a peaceful Saturday morning with my cup of coffee, I can’t help but to reflect on my life, experiences that I have had, both good and bad, and decisions that I have made. My journey has taken so many twists and turns. No one has a straight line journey, we all take detours and stray from the path at times. We just need to hope that we find our way back again.

I am fortunate to have found my way back after a detour in the wrong direction. I was lost in the wilderness and fighting my way back, I am fortunate to have found my way with no permanent scars. No experience is wasted and this one has taught me so very much about who I am, who I need in my life and who I need to keep out of my life. One thing I have learned is that standing up for yourself, closing a door and locking it, is far from running away. This is growth and knowing when to walk away from negative and harmful energy. It is also one of the most difficult things I have done and it has been proven to me over and over again that it was also one of the smartest things I have decided to do.

That closed door has now been sealed. I will not ever open it again…because opening it would drag me right back into the poisonous atmosphere where the drama lives. People talking about and using each other, manipulation and lies, and the constant judgement in a lifestyle that likes to brag about their lack of judgement and willingness to accept each other for who they are. If you are a person who can openly say that you do not trust or like someone but only keep them around because they do something for you…we absolutely cannot be friends. I truly question if we ever were…I was being used too. I do not use people for what they can do for me. I spend time with people and choose my friends because I enjoy spending time with them and because I genuinely like them. I fell for the lies and so have so many others…eventually they will see it too. I won’t be there to see it happen nor do I want to be because I have happily moved on and am in a healthy place. I slammed that door shut and bolted it.

I am now at peace and I am happy. The drama is GONE. My rose-colored glasses have been put away and I can see with clarity. It is fascinating to me that removing one person that you thought was a positive and supportive part of your life can prove your fear that he/she is actually the cause of all the problems. Simple proof is when all the issues vanish with them. I can breathe again. I wake in the morning well rested with a smile as I stretch the sleep away. I do not miss any of it…at…all.

Today, I sit with a smile as I enjoy a warm and sunny morning with my coffee. I look forward to the day as I anticipate spending time with my amazing kids and the most amazing, loving and supportive man that is in my life. He has lovingly guided me back on my path which has merged with his. We are now on this journey together and I can see that the path ahead is exciting, positive and full of love. Instead of having constant twists, turns and bumps on my path, we hold hands and follow the gentle curve of the path. As he holds me in his arms, I feel safe, happy and loved. Life is good.

The daffodils truly do look lovely today. 🎶🎶🎶

Heartbroken…betrayed…disappointed…frustrated…moving on…drama free…content…happy!

July 21, 2019

I don’t think you always realize that you have been dragged onto the drama rollercoaster until you are fully riding the ride and looking for the controller to shut it off so you can exit.

I willingly climbed onto the rollercoaster in March, 2018. It was the day I went to my very first munch. This was the day my life changed. I was petrified to walk into the restaurant because I have a deep and dark secret. I have severe social anxiety. I am working hard to get over this but I continue to struggle. When I walk into a public place filled with people I don’t know, I have an irrational fear that I am being watched and silently judged. I am fully aware that the majority of people are not giving me a second thought but the feeling causes extreme anxiety and makes me feel very self-conscious. In an effort to make myself less scared, I stand up tall, force myself to keep my head up and I put a big smile on my face…I am all too aware that if you look confident you tend to feel confident as well. It works for me…the down side of this is that there are usually other people working on their insecurities and when they see you feeling confident and strong…they misread your confidence as you thinking you are better than them. In the end, their insecurities show their own weakness…if you are submissive and Dominants in the room think you have more confidence than they do…well hold on tight because that rollercoaster is now climbing to the first hill and it is going to drop fast when it reaches the top.

So, I walked into that room and was welcomed by a few people that I had spoken to online prior to my arrival. They were friendly but I could feel myself being watched and judged. It was fair because I was coming into an established group. They needed to trust me as much as I needed to trust them. In the end, it felt like a successful night. I made some friends and planned to spend time socially with everyone again soon after.

I should be clear now…I was not new to BDSM and kink on the day of that first munch. I had previously been in a relationship with a Dominant and had learned that I truly enjoyed my kinky side. The part that was new and scary for me was to be in the kink community, owning my kinky self in public and embracing who I really am on the inside. I am a timid, sweet, empathic, silly and kind woman who has learned to be outspoken and to stand up for herself. I am respectful and demand the same respect in return. Unfortunately, I am also very trusting. Too trusting. I tend to see the good in people and assume that people have the same good intentions that I do when they really don’t. This opens me up to being taken advantage of and feeling used.

So this rollercoaster started slow, like a kiddy ride. Sure, there were ups and downs with some minor drama that would happen, but I helped when I could and tried to stay out of the rest. What I have learned is that some people enjoy the drama and create it when the ride seems to be slowing down. This happened to me over and over again throughout the last year. Was it all in fun and a Dom mind-fuck or was he just being cruel? I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and play along. Many times it was fun but it would turn mean and make me feel bad. I guess sometimes that those who call themselves Dominant feel the need to make others feel small so they can feel better and stronger and more in control. Congratulations…you made a scared girl cry. I’m sure you feel tough now. I was never able to let my wall down with this group…I tried and I wanted to but I didn’t trust everyone to keep me safe and not damage my psychological health. I am typically a happy girl and live a stressful but really happy life. I work hard and am surrounded by a loving family. I do not have an interest in spending time with anyone that makes me feel stressed socially.

The rollercoaster picked up speed over the last three months. I was getting verbally attacked and judged when I would go out and it was unacceptable. I didn’t understand why it was happening. I had never done anything to anyone there. I didn’t even have communication outside of the munches. I did date a lot in the last year. I was seeking a long term relationship and made several mistakes along the way. Apparently, I was supposed to chose one of the Doms in the group to submit to because they would train me well. Whatever…I am not going to just submit to some guy because he has a self-inflated ego and calls himself a Dominant. The person that I was seeking was a man who I felt attracted to, enjoyed his company in a vanilla setting while having a strong sexual connection and felt that a long-term relationship where I would trust his influence on my children was probable and he could be introduced and blend in with my family dynamic. So no…not just anyone will meet the qualifications. Do I look down on anyone that does not meet these qualifications? Hell no…not at all…they are not a match for me as a relationship but certainly I respect them as friends and enjoy spending time socializing with every one of them.

My current state…I got off the rollercoaster about a month ago. One of the Doms crossed the line one time too many. I already wrote about my decision to take my happiness back. I did exactly that too. After I wrote my journal entry, I signed onto my FetLife profile and cleaned it up. I deleted many people that brought negative energy into my life. I deleted all of my pictures and most of my journals. I had a few more unfriend and block me which made me giggle a little because all they really did was save me a step. When I was done, I walked away and spent three weeks in peace without thinking about any of them.

Little did I know, there was at least one who was obsessing about me and discussing to anyone that would listen just how awful I was. Apparently, I can’t be trusted because I was dating a lot previously but the fact that I am in a relationship with significant plans for the future didn’t matter. There is also the very big issue that I am not interested in a 24/7 high protocol relationship. That makes me a very bad submissive. Umm…ok. The approval of those outside my relationship are completely insignificant to me. Our dynamic is a healthy one. We have mutual respect and live a mainly vanilla daily life but I know my boundaries and there are certain things that I absolutely do not argue. When my life gets too overwhelming, he steps in and takes action to control the tornado whirling in my head. He quiets my storm and returns the calm waters. I love him and I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I will not conform to the expectations of the group when it comes to my personal life and dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant/Daddy. You do you…and I will do me the way that makes us happy.

Why do I care if this man is talking about me behind my back? I honestly don’t. I was dragged back into the drama because he was venting about me to my bestie. He spewed all kinds of hate in my direction and she delivered on cue. She told me all about the nasty things that he was saying about me. Told me that he never wanted to play with me because he didn’t trust me…bahahahaha…no, he didn’t play with me because I never invited him. I didn’t trust him to honor my boundaries and limits and quite honestly I had zero attraction…zero. No, he would never play with me…even if he wanted to. So, I was sucked back in…defending myself to someone I have no contact with anymore. Trying to help my bestie in her quest to say the right thing when she was questioned at the next munch. How about this…how about just not talking about me at all?! It didn’t stop with me though…conversations were being had about another friend too. Things shared in confidence were being discussed “on accident”. If you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? The intent was to hurt me but what ended up happening is he hurt her the most. I am angry and I am hurt that she would continue to spend time with him, knowing what he does to me. She calls him a dick and says that she doesn’t trust him and yet she involves him in her life. There are women that she says can’t be trusted and that she doesn’t like, yet she keeps talking to them and gossiping with them because they drive her places she wants to go. She talks about me and another friend and shares our secrets. I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. It makes me wonder why she has kept me around…what did I provide to her? I was always honest and helped her any way that I was able and in the end, the friendship ended because she was greedy. All the people she warned us not to trust are the ones that she was maintaining friendships with by sharing her gossip on her rides to various functions. Anytime I questioned what she was doing, she always said that she talks to them because they give her rides places. Ouch. My friends are friends because I enjoy spending time with them not because they provide me with something I need.

It is time to climb off the rollercoaster. I shut down the rides’ power last month but I was still buckled in. Today, I managed to remove the seatbelt. I closed that chapter in my book and have begun a new one. I am planning a trip with my love to Europe to meet his family this fall. I am enjoying the remaining days of the summer with my family and friends. I have disabled my FetLife and Kik accounts to keep the drama out of my life. All the negative people that were in my life can continue their ride on the rollercoaster and have their fun. I have everything I want in my life and I am truly happy. No one can take that away.

As I release this journal, the events within it become part of my past, to be looked upon only as a learning experience. Something that can no longer hurt me.

Today is the first day of my new life and I can’t wait to start the adventure!

The day I chose to take my happiness back…

6.17.19

At the beginning of the year, I fully intended 2019 to be a year of growth, positive thinking and happiness. It is now the midpoint of the year and I find myself reflecting on a cold and rainy morning with a cup of coffee…wondering why it feels like a fall morning instead of the summer it should be.

That sounds dreary and negative. I admit that I have not felt like myself the last two weeks. A depression of sorts has washed over me. Perhaps it was the taste of not being invincible last week with my health scare. Nothing like being admitted to the hospital to make you think about life and time you’ve been wasting and people you’re wasting it on.

OK…that sounds negative too. Believe it or not, I am an exceptionally optimistic person. I typically describe the way I choose to see the world as my happy bubble…I choose to see the good in people. I truly believe that most people mean well and have good intentions…sometimes we just catch them on a bad day. My bubble smells like the beach and is filled with warmth, sunshine and pina coladas 🙂

Every once in a while someone comes along and try’s to pop my bubble. I get it…sometimes it is jealousy, sometimes it is because they are insecure, sometimes it just because they are miserable and unhappy and want everyone else to suffer with them. I feel sorry for these individuals. I don’t give up right away. I watch for a pattern though and I give them time. Maybe they just need to get to know me more. All I want in life is for everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along. I have a need to be surrounded by people who have positive energy, are optimistic and empower me just as I will do for them. Once these individuals have let me down and I see that their negative energy is effecting me, I choose to remove them from my life permanently. I don’t do it to be mean or as an insult or anything else…I remove them because the relationship is not positive and they are causing harm to me. I simply remove the risk of additional harm and the weight that comes off my shoulders from this act is liberating.

Over the last month, maybe it is because of the health scare I had, I re-evaluated my life and those I have chosen to surround myself with. I have written before about being judged in the kink community, the one place where I should never feel that way. I was surrounded by some who believe in high protocol D/s and seemed to believe that I needed to pick someone to submit to so I could be controlled the way they thought it was needed. Here is the thing though…just because I don’t practice my kink the way you do, does not make me a brat or someone that cannot be trusted since I had not committed to anyone yet or have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. Relax friends, the taboo abusive word gets people so excitable sometimes. D/s is filled with the need for consent…I have consented to the play in my relationships and loved it…the abuse that I endured was psychological. No one sees that abuse because it happens behind closed doors. Again, I was punished by “friends” for ending that relationship and standing up for myself…later to find that most people did not like him anyway. Judgmental asshats. Still…I tried to maintain the friendships. They just didn’t understand.

I am human. In my happiness bubble, I have been fooled along the way and believed the words of a few men that I shouldn’t have. I ignored red flags. I heard what I wanted to hear. I was given a collar way before it was appropriate and I knew it was too soon, but I struggled to speak up for fear of being disrespectful of a dominant and insulting the gift. I was scorned by my “friends” and marked as untrustable because of this. The relationship obviously did not work out, which made it worse.

This is my opinion which obviously is not what my “friends” believe…but D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships in the beginning. It is dating people…plain and simple. You get to know each other, you go out to dinner, you talk about life and test for compatibility. Sometimes you know immediately that you are not compatible together, other times a few weeks to a couple months. In the end, if it doesn’t feel right, you have the right to end the relationship and shouldn’t be judged for it. My ideal relationship is not high protocol 24/7…I don’t have the time or interest in having someone control every aspect of my life. I own a home, I have teenagers, I have a demanding and high level position that needs me to think independently and not worry about what my Dominant will think if I run late today…he is extremely important in my life, but cannot be my number one priority 24/7. My children and employment are priority number 1. It is up to me to ensure that they are happy, safe and loved…the employment allows me to do that. In order for me to see a future in the relationship, I have to believe that he would be a positive influence on my children and someone I could trust to be in their vicinity. Any red flags in that arena and you bought your one way ticket out of my life. There is more to a relationship than good sex for me. I may be submissive but I am a fiercely protective mom and show respect to those around me…I expect the same in return.

I guess that brings me to my recent growth. It was with a heavy heart that I scrolled through my FetLife friend list last week. I had given myself time to think about all the events that have occurred in the last year…both positive and negative. I looked at the names and asked myself if they added joy and positivity to my life. As I scrolled though the names, I found myself thinking about how I need to be guarded when I am in their presence…I can’t be myself without them judging me or making comments that made me feel bad. Why do I allow people to do this to me? What…because I am involved in the kink community I am not allowed to be my silly and happy self? What kind of bullshit is that? No…these people were becoming toxic. The last straw that I was not able to let go of came from the last munch. I was having a fun conversation with one of the women, waiting for my boyfriend/dominant to arrive. We talking about travel and fun places to go for a weekend. I didn’t see him walk in…all I felt was his hand on my shoulder. I jumped up and gave him a hug and kiss as soon as I saw him. When I sat back down, a dominant friend across the table called me a narcissist for my behavior. Apparently, I should have been just staring at the door…waiting for him to arrive and then greeting him appropriately. Well…that isn’t the expectation of my dominant. I laughed it off and said that I didn’t see him come in because I was in my own little world and having a conversation…then he reminded me that this was what a narcissist is…focused on self. Here’s the thing though…a narcissist is actually a personality disorder. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my life is based on empathy for others, helping people and that I avoid excessive attention. When I get thrown into the center of attention, I try to divert it with humor. It’s better to laugh than to cry. This was not the first time that I felt like I was being attacked by this “friend” so I decided that if he was really the friend he claims to be, he wouldn’t keep going out of his way to make me feel like shit. Now that the name calling had begun though, I decided that I needed to determine if this was a situation I wanted to keep finding myself in. I won’t tolerate bullying and judgmental behavior from those that I thought were my friends. If the relationship is not mutually beneficial by creating joy, then it is not really a friendship.

Spending time with this group is no longer creating joy in my life. So, I have chosen to move forward with a happy face…liberated from the toxic environment that I had allowed myself to be sucked into. I have decided to take a break from the kink community as well. What started as a liberating and amazing experience has left me questioning everything. I don’t need the kink community events to enjoy what I love with my Dominant. Our relationship and the dynamic we choose to enjoy does not need the approval of that narrow-minded man and his followers.

I can now breath again…I can move forward in my happy bubble which is now intact again. The negativity has been removed from my life and I can feel the stress and anxiety melt away. This will be the last time I think of them because dwelling on the negative gives them power over me and I will not allow them to steal another second of my valuable time. Cheers to my wonderful friends and loving Dominant…life is good 🙂

You don’t have to be serious all the time you know…

February 3, 2019

There are so many different kinds of dynamics in the world of BDSM and kink. This is one of the things I love the most. There is so much individuality and it is a safe place to be who you really are…the real you that the vanilla world isn’t ready to embrace. This freedom to make a relationship into the dynamic that works best for you and your partner…a true no judgment zone…what a wonderful existence.

I didn’t fully understand just how diverse the community truly was until my first dungeon experience. There were so many people that had so many diverse interests. I found myself walking around, observing so many different kinks and relationship dynamics, some of which I strive to have someday and others that left my head shaking and wondering how one can find enjoyment in being treated in that way. I may have observed and thought about how it wasn’t for me but I can promise this…I wasn’t judging those individuals at all. I found myself feeling happy that we could all enjoy our kinks, the things that make us individual, free and happy under the same roof and feel safe to do so openly. I have no doubt that there were some who prefer sensual play who witnessed my session and thought that I was crazy for enjoying being restrained to a cross and being flogged and whipped. I did not feel judged. I felt free…liberated…happy. Here’s the thing…each couple also had their own dynamic just as unique as they were. Some of the submissives were 24/7 submissive to their partner, others seemed like vanilla couples but they were anything but vanilla once play started. There were slaves, pets, littles, and so many other varieties of couples. I loved it and it made me think about what my ideal relationship looked like. 

This was just the dungeon experience though…what about the everyday dynamic? Just as there are so many different kinds of play and dungeon dynamics…there are so many kinds of relationship dynamics too. As a new submissive to the community, I remember having no idea what to expect when I eventually met some Dominants. I knew how I felt with my own Dom in the past, but I didn’t have any experience with openly being submissive in a public place in the presence of many D-types. Would they be intimidating all the time? Would they make me nervous and shy? Would I be scared? I went to a munch and learned very quickly that, although I was really nervous and shy, they were not scary. Well, maybe a little…like if I had some word vomit and nervously told them that I wasn’t scared! (Check out my entry: “The List”) They were masters at the mind fuck and thoroughly enjoyed teasing me and making me squirm, but I never felt scared or judged or intimidated. I felt the most accepted and welcome that I have ever felt when joining a new group of people.

Although I have been involved in the lifestyle for about 5 years, it has only been about a year since I went to that first munch. A year since I started the journey of self-discovery among the friends that I met that night. I have changed drastically since that day. I have grown. I have become wiser. I have become more confident. I went from being a timid and scared submissive to knowing exactly who I am, what I need, what I like and how I can see myself serving. Since that time, I have dated and searched for the Dominant that is right for me. Have I made mistakes? Hell yes, I sure have! I have fallen for the bullshit lies and manipulation of a few men who pretended to be more dominant than they really were. Sometimes you need to learn a lesson the hard way to truly learn it. I am a better submissive because of the mistakes that I have made. Do I regret any of my choices? Nope…not a single one of them. There were times that I felt hurt, foolish and humble…but the lessons learned are priceless.

Today…I am happy. I have an absolutely amazing Daddy Dominant that respects me and keeps me in my place all at the same time. We have the dynamic that I have been searching for. My Daddy makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, he twists my words and makes me backtrack to figure out how I ended up in this hole that I have dug which makes me wet with anticipation. He fully controls me and makes me orgasm until I slip into subspace, surrendering complete control of myself to his capable hands. I am able to let go and give myself to him…losing control physically and shutting my mind off completely…free to just be and feel what he wants me to feel. My subspace leaves me unable to move…Daddy lifts my arm and it falls heavily to the bed, he looks in my eyes and no one is home…and then I orgasm more. I am at the mercy of my Daddy who I trust completely to keep me safe. 

We have a true relationship. He never asks me for naughty pictures because he wants me…not a picture of me. We talk on the phone daily…sometimes twice with plenty of texts in between. It isn’t all about sex and kink either. We have taken the time to get to know each other. He knows the real me and I know all about his crazy ass. He loves that I am sassy and Alpha but also know my place and am always respectful. He is genuinely concerned about my safety and happiness in my daily life. He reminds me to fill up my gas tank when the weather gets cold and asks about my commute and my day at work. I worry about him when he has to drive in the awful Chicago winter weather and I miss him terribly when he has to travel for work. We have bonded. I cannot imagine my life without him. 

We almost lost each other once and we are both determined to never allow that to happen again. Misunderstandings happen, we sometimes hurt those who are closest to us. What saves the relationship is the ability to communicate. We both need to admit when we are wrong, we need to be sincere in our apology and most importantly, we need to forgive. When we forgive our partner, we do not repeatedly remind them of their mistakes either. Forgiveness means that we recognize the mistake and we move on…no one is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect perfection all the time. This helps us make the relationship stronger thus building trust and the strongest connection possible. 

I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. I have found the most amazing Daddy Dom. I love him. I will follow him anywhere he leads me because he has proven himself worthy of my trust, devotion, obedience and loyalty. When he offers me his collar, I will wear it proudly. In return, I will make him proud to own me. He will be the happiest Daddy Dom because I will make it my mission to keep him pleased and proud and happy with his decision to take me as his babygirl. 

Ummm…not a “Dom”…

January 19, 2019

Internet dating is difficult…internet dating and searching for a D/s partner is crazy at best. My friend and I have a little “game” we unofficially play that should probably be called “Dom or NOT A DOM!”. It isn’t really meant as a game though…it has evolved as a means of watching out for each other and looking at a situation with those rose-colored glasses off.

I found this in my feed on tumbler…it is just so true…if you learn nothing else, my dear submissive friends, please remember this quote…

I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t want a fuck buddy…I’m a greedy little slut and I want a Dominant. My Dominant wants what is best for me. He wants to find those boundaries that I have created, he wants to know which ones I want to crush into the ground, and he leads me on a path to succeeding. My Dom is protective and loving yet strict and keeps me accountable. He is a leader and wants me to be a stronger and better version of myself. So…when my friend shows me a message that is just riddled with questions about what she is willing to do when they meet…I usually vote “NOT A DOM”. What she has found is one of the garden variety aggressive men who want to play with a kinky girl. Since they feel that they like to be in control in the bedroom…they believe that this makes them a Dominant. Oh my…they are so very wrong. A good Dom…in my opinion anyway…has more control and is not 100% focused on sex and giving you orders for dirty pictures from the first time you begin messaging each other. These boys need a nice vanilla girl that just wants her hair pulled and ass slapped on occasion while they are having sex.

Basically, we start out by having a conversation with someone online. Not intending to play a game, it’s a legitimate conversation on our end…at least that is what we are hoping when we open a message. Most start out ok…you know…a simple “hi”. “Wow…that’s an attention grabber if I ever saw one!” I honestly don’t usually even open those, but this one I did…

What did he expect? “OMG…it’s the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen! It’s so much bigger than all the others that were sent to me today! I need that in me NOW…” Game over…NOT A DOM!

OK…so it was definitely unexpected but not exactly what I had in mind. If the only thing you can talk to me about is the size of your cock…I can tell you right now that we are absolutely not a match. You fall into the group of men who are searching for either a hook-up or a FWB and I don’t want either one of those. These are the same men who love their cock so much that they make it their profile picture. I can’t help but laugh when I see this and you will too when you see my inbox…aka “the dick pic line-up”…

Dick pic line-up…and yes I am protecting the identity of these cocks by removing the site I received these on and their screen names from the screen shot that I took of my inbox…I’m not a monster!!

Thank you boys…now I don’t have to read your message at all! I can just go down the row and pick which one I like the best. Hmm…That one is a bit too long, oh…too short compared to the rest of these, too thin…well, it can never be too thick…wait, is that one crooked?”. Either way, let’s face it…they are all ugly and I didn’t need to see that. Here’s the thing guys…you need to understand women a little better and I’m going to give you a quick lesson in the differences between us. In general, men are very visually stimulated. You see a nice pair of tits or a picture of a pretty pussy and you get instantly hard and probably can picture that hard cock of yours slowly sliding right in that slippery and warm cavity. I’ll bet you are imagining how amazing that is right now even, aren’t you? See…visual and you’re focused on the physical act, which is fine. What you need to know is that you can talk about how hard your cock is all afternoon to me, describing how you’re stroking it for me and guess what? Even with a picture…I’m only going to be mildly turned on…IF I’m into you already. In general, women are turned on by the mental connection and the mind fuck. If you are a Dominant reading this…you know what I’m referring to. If you can engage me mentally, have me wondering what you are going to do…keep me anticipating, nervous and excited at the same time…well, my friend…you just won the race! I don’t need to see your cock. Quite honestly, they pretty much all look the same anyway. We have pretty much established that if we receive a message from a man with one of the above profile pics…he is immediately placed into the category of NOT A DOM! because these guys shout out pleeeaaase fuck me…look you can even see it first! Guess what? I am already in charge of this situation and I hate topping from the bottom so…sorry, not interested!

OMG…I thought you’d never find me! With an initial message like that…how could I possibly say no?! WTF…NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!

On the other end of the spectrum, is the man who actually gets creative. These are a rare breed and deserve a response for their effort. In my opinion, if you can make me laugh, even if I know we are not going to be a match of any kind, you will get a response. This one not only got me to open his message but received a return message as well. I had tears in my eyes from laughing during the exchange and I appreciated the effort and his personality. He received an A for effort…and he was handsome, too. As it turns out, he was good vanilla guy looking for a friend with benefit…not what I was seeking but fun to talk to just the same.

Easily one of my favorite initial messages I have ever received…

Anyway, back to the game. Women get a lot of messages on these sites. Some are legitimately good guys who are seeking a partner, whether it is vanilla, kinky, or a D/s dynamic of some sort and they are honest about what they seek. Here’s the thing though…among those 4% of men that were just mentioned…there is another 96% that just want a friend with benefits, a fuck buddy, a hook-up and/or a kinky friend who will do things that his/spouse won’t do. The truly sucky part is that it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between all these different men until it is too late. This causes us to waste a lot of time talking to people that we would normally just say something like: “Sorry sweetie…we want different things. Best of luck on your search for the perfect slut”.

Umm…NOT A DOM! NEXT!!

This is how the game is played…I receive a screenshot from my friend and she says…what do you think? Dom or not a Dom? I read the exchange and tell her my gut feeling and why. Then, I do the same when I’m on the fence and just can’t decide if I believe what I’m reading or not…”I kind of like this one…he is funny and seems to want and like the same things. What do you think?Or…sometimes you just get sidetracked by the absurd messages that you can’t believe you really just received. Here are a few examples of what we see…big eye roll…

NOT A DOM! Wishes he was kinky…LOL…NEXT!!!

First of all…you aren’t my Daddy just because you call yourself a Daddy…second…a good Daddy wants to nurture and care for his girl. This is not how Daddy says hello the first time. NOT A DOM! NEXT!!!

Daddy shouldn’t have to try to be in charge…he just is. Also, Dominant and bossy are two different things. I don’t need or want bossy…I want a leader. You just want to cum on a set of tits? That’s not a very good Daddy…Daddy wants to take really good care of his girl first because he knows that his girl can’t serve him well unless she is being cared for too. NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!!

My fellow submissives…here a few guidelines that I personally follow to help me rule out the horny guys that are trying to prey on a woman who they perceive is weaker than they are…

  • Any man with a dick pic as a profile pic or included in the initial “hello” message is typically not a Dominant. This one is trying to get laid and mistakenly thinks that we won’t be able to think of anything other than getting that cock inside us once we see it as teeny tiny image on our phone screen. Didn’t think that one through very well, did you boys?
  • Any men that say things like: “How submissive are you?” or “If you’re submissive, then you have to do anything I tell you to do…so show me your tits…now.” OMG…I have to admit that I actually really enjoy getting these messages on occasion. These boys are of the imbecile variety and absolutely do not have a clue. They are here for our entertainment and you are free to tease and taunt them at will for their stupidity. Absolutely not a Dom…not even a man worth a hook-up.
  • Any boys that say they are 19, call themselves a Master Bull and want to know what the youngest guy you’ve been with is. “Sweetie…you’re not even old enough to be in control of yourself, certainly not a strong alpha submissive woman”. I don’t play or converse with children…NOT A DOM…AND PERMANENTLY BLOCKED.
  • Any men that immediately demand that you call them Daddy or Sir or Master from the very first conversation. You have not earned that title and respect buddy. I’m not your little girl and you aren’t my Dom until you’ve earned my trust and respect. There are some of this variety that are Doms but tend to be arrogant and need the constant reminder that they are in control by needing that title at all times. Many others do not really get it and think that if they get us calling them Daddy or Sir or Master right away, maybe we won’t notice that they have never done this before. NOT A DOM…NEXT!!
  • Beware of the men who show all the pictures of their toys in their profile pictures. These guys are working really hard to show you what they want to do to you but it doesn’t mean that they know how to use those implements safely. Also, knowing how to use a flogger or a paddle doesn’t mean you are Dominant. It means that you are kinky and like to play with fun toys. That’s OK and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this variety of men but if I need a true Dom, you need to know that I need the mental domination too. Meeting to play on occasion isn’t going to do anything for me. We aren’t a match because you aren’t a leader…you’re a fun kinky guy. NOT A DOM!
  • Any men that don’t understand what some basic things mean when you talk about what you need and want in a D/s relationship. I once had someone who claimed to be an experienced Dominant ask me what D/s stood for…seriously?! Anyone who doesn’t know what aftercare is and why it is so important after a scene…RUN. This one is dangerous and he is not a good Dom if he is one at all.
  • Finally, anyone who is disrespectful or makes you feel bad in any way. A good Dom should make you feel beautiful, wanted, cherished and empowered. If he is making you feel stressed, broken, sad or bad about yourself…he is not a good Dom and I would venture to call him an abusive bully. RUN and don’t look back.

In closing, just remember that we all have different kinks, wants and needs in this dynamic. Communication is critical in building the necessary trust that is needed. Yes, you need to talk about your kinks with a potential partner…but guess what? The kinks are not the number one concern. You need to connect with each as people first…do you even like each other? Go with personality first, if that test is passed, look at the type of dynamic you both want. What are his expectations of a submissive? Who cares if he is an expert with a flogger if your personalities clash and he wants to keep you caged like a pet while he watches his football game on Sundays? It’s your hard limit? Too bad…it isn’t his so get in the cage. Ummm…was the flogger worth it? Perhaps this should have been thought through a little better, huh? Communicate and be honest and then everyone gets what they want and need…and for fuck’s sake guys…get creative and be honest about what you want. I have so much faith in you…you can do it!

Another tumbler find…I have no idea who it belongs to but it is 100% true. You know when you have that feeling that something isn’t right. Trust your gut and walk away. Your gut is rarely wrong.

Sometimes you just need a better screening tool…

January 10, 2019

I have a pet peeve that I’m finding to be occurring more and more often lately. OK…actually there are two of them. There must be a better screening tool to avoid these issues in the future.

Relationships are hard..and not the good kind of hard either. Those that are serious tend to be on their extra best behavior in order to try to win the affection of the one that they find the most interesting. Sometimes, they trade some of that best behavior for what they think are little white lies…you know…something that they think is unimportant and easily forgiven once she meets him and decides he is just perfect for her. Guess what boys…it’s a bad idea. A really bad idea. That one small lie…avoidance of the truth…the: “oops, I didn’t know that my profile said that….” It sets the stage for me not believing you at all. (This is different from putting the incorrect town where you reside, as long as it is in the general vicinity. I do it too…it is a safety thing) Here is what happens when I learn that I have been given incorrect information…first, I’m bothered by the mistruth. “Well, it isn’t that bad, we are having fun, connecting, enjoying each others company. It’s ok. I can let this go”. Then, the next day, I sit down and reflect on how things are going and I see things a little differently. What else did he tell me that is only half truth? This is when I start thinking about how you seem to say all the right things…”but wait, did he mean them or did he know that it is what I wanted to hear, therefore probably isn’t the truth?” The funny thing is that these silly little lies probably were not needed in the first place. The truth isn’t even bad…I wouldn’t have cared had I known it from the start. Now there is a cloud of doubt. In this lifestyle, trust is imperative. Don’t get me wrong…teasing, a good mind fuck and joking around are perfectly acceptable and encouraged. It is the mistruth that is meant to mislead and deceive that is never okay. It will backfire EVERY time. It ruins the headspace. It takes away your ability for me to let go and trust you to lead me where I need to go. I no longer know if you really do have my best interests in mind. I feel manipulated when this happens and my protective walls go back up and then get reinforced. Finally, it makes me sad. Just tell the truth boys. It will pay off in the long run.

This brings me to the second pet peeve. Do not tell me that you are a Dominant unless you are a Dominant. Seems pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? No…this is a common mental disorder that I have found among men of all ages lately. So many swear that they are Dominants but “wait… what does that mean? I’m new to this”. Guess what sweetie, you are not a Dominant and you will not have a snowballs chance in hell at exhibiting any kind of control over me. You enjoy playing the part of a Dominant in the bedroom…that is role play and rough sex, my friend…that isn’t Dominance. What we have here ladies, is the standard variety horny and kinky man. There is nothing wrong with this breed of man, but he is falsely advertising who he is. Yes, I know…we all have to start someplace…we were all new once. You are absolutely right but I am not a submissive who enjoys teaching a kinky man how to be a Dominant. I will not be your practice target as you learn some new skills and I do not wish to explain to you how to create a mind space for me so you can make me act more submissive for you. If you can’t already do this, and do it well, then we are absolutely not a good match. This breed of man is best off seeking out the breed of woman who refuses to take orders outside of the bedroom but does enjoy kinky sex with the horny kinky man. I wish them all the happiness in the world. Please stop messaging me…I am not that breed of woman and no, I don’t want to join the two of you and teach her how to be more submissive. Good luck with that. The horny kinky man cannot handle me. I promise.

No soup for you…

NEXT!!

2019 is my year to thrive…

1-6-2019

OK…so it has been a week since I made the decision to create this blog…website…place to reflect. I did not intend for anyone to actually read anything…although I am happy that you are here. I have found that writing about my lessons, experiences and stressors help me deal with them, putting them here for others to read makes them real. Knowing that individuals read this and relate to what I am going through helps me and I truly enjoy knowing that my experiences may actually help someone along the way. What I do not need is any critiques. This is filled with my opinions and experiences…there is no wrong or right here…it is my perception of my reality. I do not seek to argue or defend myself. I just want everyone to get along.

I’m an optimistic person. I like to describe my world as my personal bubble…it smells like cotton candy and there is a rainbow in it too! There are days that are really rough but I don’t want them to control me. What could be so difficult? Nothing dramatic for sure…there are many who live easier lives than myself…but I also know that many have it a lot worse than I do so I try real hard to be thankful and not take my life for granted. I am divorced, I am a mom of four teenagers, I am the daughter of amazing parents, the sister of some great individuals, I am well educated, have a great career, am a homeowner, and am proud of my accomplishments. I am secretly a submissive…oh if my family knew…they would think I needed help because this cannot be a normal way to live my life. It is the normal that I choose though and it makes me feel happy and safe. I will walk out my door every morning with a smile on my face. I will go out of my way to do a great job at work and to help anyone that needs it.

My current struggle is that my submissive self is in desperate need of a Dominant to calm that storm that swirls out of control in my head. The problem that came to me today as I reflected was that even the best Dominant cannot fix this storm. I need to gain control of myself in order for anyone else to calm me. I have always been crazy organized and have a plan for the future yet the world around me feels like it is in a state of turmoil. Cluttered surroundings become a cluttered mind and creates an out of control submissive. This cannot be fixed with a hug or a spanking either. Those are temporary fixes but I need the real correction. I am the only one that can do this…the realization of me needing to take control of my surroundings and life is what makes me a strong submissive woman. Only the strong can take control, fix the issues and care for others while submitting personal control to another. I have no doubt that I will be successful and come out stronger for this experience. Sometimes you need to have a few failures in life in order to learn some lessons and to become stronger. I started to spiral out of control at the end of 2018…this is going to be my year. 2019 is where is I take control and become the submissive that I was meant to be.

Today, I have created a plan to get myself back on track. My plan includes reflecting here regularly as well as writing some journals/stories to release some of the tension and to share some of the lessons that I learn along the way. I have created a written journal of lists, to do’s, goals, challenges and accomplishments so that I can look back in the bound pages and see the journey unfold. It becomes a sense of pride. Once I have my life organized again…I will be able to be the true submissive that I am. There is always something blocking me from letting go completely lately…I believe it is because of all my personal stressors. Letting go momentarily helps but those stressors are still there when I wake. Organization, de-cluttering, having a plan…these will all create the calm atmoshere that I need to be able to focus on what is important.

For now, I close this and continue on my vanilla day of housecleaning, laundry, bill pay and de-cluttering my surroundings. Once I get this routine in place…I will be able to focus on serving. I know as well as anyone that I cannot serve if I do not take care of myself first. I forgot about self-care. What was I thinking?! Today is the beginning of my positive changes. Today is where I take control of my happiness. I am finally ready. I am going to thrive in 2019.

The Joys of Online Dating for a Submissive

1-3-19

I have found that many online cannot commit. Some are married, others want a kinky friend with benefits (FWB) and many more call themselves Dominants but have no idea what a real submissive even is. 

“Wait…so you’re submissive? So, if I tell you to show me your tits, you have to do it, right?” … Wow, yeah that is exactly how it works. I just blindly follow the orders of every asshat on the street because, as a submissive, I do not have any functioning brain cells. What a fucking moron.

These little boys have no idea the strength, resilience and trust it takes to submit to someone. I know that I have more strength in me on a bad day than these pathetic boys will ever hope to have. I digress…this sounds judgmental now doesn’t it? Believe it or not, I do not judge all of these individuals because they are all making choices that are right for them. What I perceive as unfair though, is that they sometimes judge me harshly for not wanting to be involved in what they are rationalizing as an appropriate decision that is working for them in their situation. I think that some have forgotten that just because I am online and am an unattached submissive, it doesn’t mean that I am obligated to submit to their needs and be happy to serve a lonely, sex deprived, elderly married man. “Hot damn…where do I sign up for that?! I NEED TO SNATCH THAT ONE UP BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!”I think that someone is forgetting that I also have the right to make the choices that are right for me and those choices include seeking a relationship with someone who I am attracted to…yep, that’s right boys, just because you like getting off to my pictures, doesn’t mean that I can stand the sight of you. 

Age can be a real issue. I receive a lot of messages from boys…yes I’m calling you boys…who want to fulfill their fantasy of finding Mrs Robinson. Hate to burst your bubble kids…I have ZERO interest in a single one of you. I don’t care if you are 22 and keep it hard for hours…my glass dildo lasts even longer, and I have more skill in my right hand than you do in that cock that I see in your profile picture with the remote control or water bottle. Oh…I’m sorry, you thought you were being original. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the entitled elderly “gentleman” who swears that it still works…just give him a chance. Guess what, I’ll bet that old toothbrush lying on the curb on garbage day still works too…doesn’t mean I’m going to put it in my mouth. Gross. I get a lot of rude comments from men that are 70-ish. Apparently, I am not so young either and as a 47-year-old woman, I should just give up and fuck him because he is as good as it gets for me. “Whew! So glad he found me in time!” I am not looking for young and I am not looking for old. I am not looking for a rich guy to take care of me either. Quit telling me about your money. I DON’T CARE. I love my job, I have worked hard for what I have and I won’t be leaving my career to serve you or anyone else. What I seek is someone within 10 years of my own age. As I have told my submissive friends, if I can’t picture myself willingly on my knees, begging him to allow me to worship his cock on a regular basis…I can tell you right now that he will never be my Dominant, no matter how much I respect him and value his friendship. My Dominant will be attractive to me, kind but strict, he will allow me to be myself while molding me to be the submissive that I long to be, he will be funny and allow me to embrace my creativity and humor, sometimes without consequence (as long as I am being respectful, of course!) and he will be a true long term and loving partner. 

I guess that I am just a bad girl for not wanting to submit to that married guy. Hurry…someone spank me for that!! I should probably feel bad for their tough life of deprived sexual contact. If they are that miserable, they should either fix it or leave. I am not here to fill their void. I will be the cherished partner…NEVER the secret one. Many love to tell me that they love their wife or their girlfriend so they don’t want to leave…what was I thinking? I should understand this and just let them fuck me on the side. We can be “discreet” so no one gets hurt. He can just give me orders, demand naughty pictures and control me from a distance. â€śWow…that sounds awesome! What a lucky girl I am to be chosen for this great honor. Fuck off buddy…not interested.” This is a win-win situation only for him…the great and powerful almighty Dom. Guess what asshole…I WOULD GET HURT BECAUSE SUBMISSION IS NOT AN EMPTY ACT FOR ME. I guess I don’t count, huh?

Here’s the thing…I was married once too. I loved my husband and continue to love him. We were not on the same page anymore though. It happens. My marriage was no longer healthy. My needs were not being met. Instead of seeking it elsewhere and taking the easy road by staying married, I divorced him and found my way. I did not expect others to compromise their self-respect by asking them to be part of a cheating wife’s escapades. Perhaps they wouldn’t have cared. With that being said, I am actually not judging. I know it sounds like I am, but I just don’t want to be part of the triangle in someone else’s marriage. I don’t share well. If I’m playing, fucking and connecting with someone…he is not going home to someone else’s bed. I am not spending all of my holidays alone while he enjoys it with the family he pretends does not exist when he is with me. That’s where it hurts me. I will NEVER be someone’s dirty little secret. 

Here is the thing I learned from all of this. I think that when we first enter this lifestyle, we dip our toes in the water, we start experimenting and search for what we perceive is the ideal partner…whether it is of the Dominant or submissive persuasion. A young, fit, attractive person with an infectious personality and a great career…then we wake the fuck up and realize that the only thing that should really matter is the connection, energy and dynamic. Newbies tend to need the handsome prince or princess…I have found that handsome is all in the eye of the beholder. I have met socially beautiful people just to find them turning ugly as they open their mouth to speak. I have also met socially average to below-average looking individuals and found myself incredibly attracted because of the way they treat me and the wonderful and loving personality that they have. Sometimes you do need to kiss a few toads to find that prince but when you do, you’ll be glad you tossed those toads back into the pond…or the highway…whatever works.

I am a natural submissive. Do not mistake my kindness (and a simple hello) for weakness. I am nice to everyone unless you give me a reason not to be. I will be sassy to everyone…seriously…what does a girl need to do to get a spanking around here? Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I’ll add it to the list! 

Newbie subs…don’t give up and don’t settle. Let the toads all sort it out in the murky pond on their own. Your prince will find you when you least expect it. He/she is worth the wait.

I am A submissive…not YOUR submissive

11/22/18

I am A submissive. I am not YOUR submissive. I really don’t care how long you have been in the community. I truly don’t care how much experience you have. Your expectation of what a submissive needs to be may not match the kind of submissive that I am. I am a natural submissive. I am also an Alpha Submissive who knows exactly what I want, what I need and how I want to serve. I refuse to top from the bottom because I am a follower who needs to be given the safe place to shut off my brain. I need a Dominant who understands my needs and knows not only how to fill them, but that finds his needs met in the process. I NEED to give my submission, but I will not disrespect myself by settling for anything or anyone who does not meet my needs or does not treat me with respect. I will NOT be judged by any Dominant who cannot or chooses not to understand this. I am not yours to judge. I am not yours to criticize. I am not yours to punish. I cannot trust or respect anyone who thinks otherwise.

In my opinion, finding the Dominant that is right for any submissive is not any different than vanilla dating. OMG…the Dom wants to dominate me…I must submit immediately because of this great honor! FUCK THAT SHIT. Seriously, what makes him worthy of my submission, my trust, my adoration? Sometimes you know on that very first date that there is no way that this is going to go anywhere. Other times, it may take a few dates and a play session or two to know the same. Sometimes you are fooled and fall for the egotistical narcissist. There may even be the time when you just need to play without the intention of a relationship. Oh my god…it’s a hook-up. What…a…slut. Fuck off if that’s what you think. Yeah, I had one of those too. It was an amazingly fun night and I don’t regret it for a second. Sometimes, you receive an unexpected message and just click. Sometimes you meet for coffee and find that the connection is exactly what you were looking for. Sometimes you allow your walls to crumble down all around you because you know that this incredible man is offering everything you need and what you offer is what he seeks in return. Sometimes you find yourself giving your gift of submission and accepting his ownership sooner than what friends think you should. Sometimes they forget that they do not know what has transpired in private to make you feel safe, allowing you to make this decision. Sometimes they forget that you are a grown ass woman who is smart and her brain processes situations at a constant rate, always thinking about her safety and vulnerability but knowing that you have to take a leap of faith on occasion. Sometimes you don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks when this miraculous event happens. I am happy. Don’t you dare try to steal that from me. 

The important part is that one recognizes when a relationship is not right for them and moves on instead of stringing someone along or feeling trapped in a relationship that isn’t healthy. I have done some dating this year. Yes, these men were all wonderful people (I reserve the right to say that one most certainly was not) who were not a good match for me but are making another submissive very happy. I continue to have respect for them and want nothing more than to know that they have found happiness. I enjoyed the company of a wonderful Dominant whose needs I could not meet. Another who could never meet mine. I gave another a fair chance, attempted to submit even but I could not trust his leadership or ability to keep me safe. Perhaps people need to understand that you can’t believe everything you see and that things happen behind closed doors that you don’t know about. Sometimes people act one way in public and so very differently at home. Sometimes they like to act like they want to learn and even play the role when you are watching just to go back to being arrogant and looking down their nose at those who tried to help. Sometimes the dominant act ends the minute the car door closes, and he becomes his vanilla and judgmental self when no one in the community is watching, making the sub miserable and defensive of her friends.  Sometimes people just don’t like to admit that they fell for the same bullshit that I did. Yet, I am now a bad submissive because I took my life back and will not allow someone to make me feel bad about myself in order to make themselves feel like a real Dominant. Sometimes people like to discuss this and judge you because you didn’t sit at home crying about your loss and instead moved on and continued your search for happiness. I also would have been called a fool to stay in a relationship like this. Sometimes, you just can’t win. I will never allow myself to be a victim. No one has the right to judge me for leaving a relationship that I can describe as nothing less than mentally abusive. Period. There are some absolutely amazing men whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and befriending that are not and never will be good matches for me. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have different kinks and different needs from a D/s dynamic. I’m not judging your needs. You don’t get to judge mine.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a brat. Don’t mistake my strength for brattiness. I am not your submissive, therefore I do not follow your rules. You are just another male in the room. You will receive the same respect that I give to everyone human. Here is the thing about me. I cannot give my full submission and tear down my carefully built walls of protection to someone who cannot provide the boundaries and leadership that I require. I need boundaries, rules, and structure. When I respect and trust a Dominant, I will happily stay within those boundaries and follow every damn rule down to the letter. Will I test the boundaries just a little every now and then? Hell yes, I will. I need to know that they are real and that you are going to keep me in them as promised. If my Dominant can provide this in our dynamic, he is rewarded with my respect, trust, adoration, and total compliance. 

Yes, I have moved on. Will this be the lasting D/s relationship that I have been seeking? Maybe…maybe not. Sometimes you have to take a chance and see what happens. For now…I have rules. I have boundaries. I have given my submission and trust to an amazing Dominant. My Master, in turn, has provided a safe place and the structure that I need. I do not test his boundaries. This is not out of fear of punishment rather it is my need to please him and to ensure that he is proud to own me.  I love having these boundaries and want to comply. I accept his ownership and I trust him to lead me to the place he knows that I need to be. I know my place. I am happy. Don’t rain on my fucking parade.

Our First Meeting

11/14/2018

It has been a whirlwind. I woke up this morning after barely sleeping all night. I was nervous and SO excited. I was about to see my Master face to face for the first time. We had a wonderful connection online and have progressed even more since we started texting, but I was so afraid that our connection would fail once we were sitting across from each other. Maybe he wouldn’t think that I was the right submissive for him. Maybe I would be curvier than he expected. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel the connection that I thought I would feel. Anything could happen. I took a deep breath and walked out the door to meet him at Starbucks.

I received my first message from Master a mere week ago. I wasn’t sure what to think with that first “Good Morning”. He said that he loved my profile, introduced himself as an experienced Master…he wanted to speak with me. I was already intimidated a little. I knew immediately that he was the real deal. He was not one of the vanilla boys trying to convince a submissive that he is a Dominant. His energy was different, and I felt it.

Master was handsome. He called me his sweet sub. He asked me many questions about my experience, my needs, the limits that I want challenged. He reassured many of my fears before I had the chance to verbalize them. He provided his cell phone number, told me the town he lived in, the type of work he does, and all about his family. I felt his pain when he shared the recent loss of his parents, and I felt the pride he has in his children. He was so optimistic and had so much energy in his writing. I had to talk to him more.

Just four days after that first text, I responded to his message as soon as I read it. Then I thought about it for a few moments and decided that it was silly to write it there when a phone number had been provided. I then picked up my phone and shakily sent him a text message. I wasn’t sure if he would even respond but it was exciting to send the message anyway. Within just a few short minutes, my phone vibrated on my desk. I had received my first text response with additional pictures so I would know him along with a big enthusiastic thank you for being comfortable enough to communicate through text. 

Over the next several days, we texted frequently. He asked many questions and I answered promptly, with detail, often offering more than what he requested. He was kind, encouraging, and very easy to talk to. I never felt judged about my feelings or experiences. I was telling him everything and I was being praised for my promptness and openness to share.

The next day, we continued our communication and I found us already talking about sessions. He answered all of my questions and put me at ease. I received my first assignment that evening. He wanted a picture of me wearing something that I thought Master would enjoy seeing me wear. Yikes! No pressure, right? What was he looking for? I decided to take a picture the way I was. A strong, independent woman who had just returned from a long day at work. Then I changed into some tasteful lingerie with my heels and sent that as a contrast to display my inner submissive that desperately wanted to come out. I was already feeling his control. Did I just refer to myself as his slut? This was exhilarating and horrifying at the same time. Am I being manipulated or is he the wonderful Master that I think he is and I am finally feeling like the submissive that I know that I am? How do I know the difference? I share my fears with him and he reassures me that my feelings are normal. He reminds me of his experience as a Master and that I need to trust and let him help me. He is right. I needed to stop overthinking everything.

I received my second assignment. He wanted me to write a short story for him. I needed to describe our first session. Why? This was scary. I did not want it to be pathetic and basic but I also did not want to go overboard and set an expectation of what he may interpret as what I want or need from a first session. I asked some clarifying questions and set to get writing. I wrote my heart out, imagining what it may be like. I described what I thought my fears, excitement and emotions of that day would be and I shared it with him as directed. I was nervous as he read the story. What if he didn’t approve? What if he thought it was dumb? I would be so embarrassed. When I write, it comes from deep within me. No filters. My true self on the paper. Vulnerable and raw.

It was only 5 days since we started our journey, and Master told me that I may be the sub that he was looking for. We hadn’t met yet but he said that he felt as if he already owned me…and I felt owned. I felt as though I knew my place and all I really wanted was to please my Master. I trusted him. I wanted to please him. Then he asked me:” Who’s your Master baby?” and without hesitation, I replied “You are my Master”. He later texted me that he decided to claim ownership; I was now his sexual slave, his whore, his slut and his sweet sub. I was owned and I was happy. 

The next morning began the daily pictures of what I would be wearing to work. Master told me that he enjoyed the story that I wrote for him and that he was proud of what I had done for him. My words excited Master and I was so happy! We made plans to meet the next morning for coffee so Master and slave could finally meet face to face. Has it really only been a week?!  The excitement Masters’ whore felt was palpable. I could barely concentrate on anything. I was so excited! I went to bed that night smiling and restless in anticipation.

I woke up that morning with a big smile. In a few short hours, I would be sitting across the table from my Master! I put my fears and anxiety aside and got out of bed and began to get ready. I texted Master a picture of what I would be wearing to meet him as requested, and then headed out the door.

I arrived early, ordered a drink and sat down with my computer. I wanted to be early because I did not want to leave Master waiting for me and also so that I could get settled and feel relaxed when he arrived. Every time the door opened, I looked up wondering if he was the one arriving. I learned that this is a very busy coffee shop! So many people order online and come through that door! Finally, I heard the door open again, and there he was. I recognized him immediately. Master was handsome and had a smile on his face. He walked over to me, introduced himself as I stood up, and gave me the most wonderful hug. If I had any doubts before that moment, they all vanished that very instant. Feeling Masters’ arms around me felt like a safe place. I was so very happy. I was the luckiest girl on the planet.

We spent the next 3 hours sitting across from each other, talking about everything from family to the D/s dynamic. It was wonderful, my mind was completely at ease. He was the man I thought he was, the Master that I was hoping he would be. I knew he was being honest and I loved him for being so wonderful. He held my hands as we talked, he was very distracted by my breasts and I was distracted about the pulsing I felt in my wet pussy. I excused myself to the bathroom once and he hugged me with his face right in my cleavage as I walked by.  I didn’t want to walk away! Apparently, that behavior is frowned upon in the coffee shop, so I had to keep walking! When I returned, we agreed that we would like to proceed with the dynamic that we had already begun. I had a handsome and wonderful Master. I knew that it was the start of something fantastic. It was exciting and scary, but I was ready for the adventure!

He walked me to my car. It was cold outside, but I did not feel the cold. I put my purse in my car and I could feel my heart beating as he put his arms around me again. My God I cannot get enough of his hugs! He looked deep into my eyes and I thought I was going to melt right then and there. When he kissed me, I could feel all the butterflies fluttering around inside me. He is a wonderful kisser, I could just keep kissing him for hours if he let me. He took my hand and allowed me to feel how firm he was; I was so happy and so very wet. I wanted badly for him to just take me away and really make me his. To truly claim what he already owns. It was going to have to wait a few weeks. I knew that and it was going to be torture but it would be worth it when the day finally comes. Another passionate kiss and we needed to go our separate ways for the day. Already? Why did that 3 hours have to go by so quickly?

We then said our good byes, I got into my car and took a deep breath. Did that just happen? Oh, it did, and it was amazing. I have the most wonderful Master. I am all in. I will do what it takes to please him and make him proud. I will be the best whore I can be, and I know that with his guidance I will be successful.

I am strong. 

I am resilient.

I am submissive.

I am owned.

I am whole.

The Break-Up

10/22/2018

I woke up alone this morning for the first time in months. Interestingly, it is also the first time in months that I also woke with a smile, well rested and content. 

Break-ups suck. I’m not going to say that I am happy that this relationship ended. I cried. I felt horrible and I worried about my decision-making and if it was the right one. I truly thought that we had something real and that it would last like he promised. How can you care so much about someone, miss them when they aren’t there, but be miserable when you are face to face and interacting? I remember days coming home from work, looking forward to seeing him, just to be faced with comments and conversation that made me feel bad and sad. It would ruin the evening and all I wanted to do was curl up with my blanket and go to sleep. Was it intentional or just a personality clash? I will never know for sure. 

The mind is a fascinating thing to me. It is easily manipulated and fooled. We see red flags, our gut tells us that something isn’t right, but we ignore that sixth sense and convince ourselves that we are paranoid, that we are sabotaging our own relationships. We believe that we will regret leaving when we see what we walked away from. It is in that moment that the strong and resilient take note and examine those red flags, realizing that life will go on if we take control of ourselves again. 

There is a name for this…it’s called gaslighting and it is a form of psychological abuse when it is done deliberately. This type of manipulation is used to make you trust this person while doubting your own perceptions of sanity. You feel guilty for doubting this person that you trust. They justify and explain their actions differently than you remember the situation occurring and then fill your head with expressions of love and flattery to confuse and reason away any discrepancies in the story being told. You are reassured, then you doubt yourself, ignore your gut and become more confused. 

I have gone through this cycle more times that I can count in the past 6 weeks. As a nurse, I would have recognized it quickly if I watched a friend in this cycle. It’s interesting that you can’t see it when you are in it though. How can I be so happy after we are out with our friends, then get in the car and start talking about something fun that happened just to have my words twisted into something that was never intended? How can I go from being so happy to being made to feel so broken inside? Why does he keep doing this to me? My Dom is supposed to help me feel strong, to build me up, not to tear me down and feel small. Why do I have to try to be so careful about how I tell a story? I started building a wall to protect myself and then he would be angry that I am now pushing him away by being quiet. I can’t win.

Maybe he was just ego-centric and doesn’t realize the spiral he is placing me in…or maybe he is a narcissist who enjoys breaking me down so he can convince himself that he is the good guy there to rescue me over and over again. Funny that I didn’t need rescuing before I met him. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. He could just be a dumb guy that has no idea how his words hurt me. 

Regardless of the motives, no matter how much communication of my feelings and why I feel bad occurred, nothing was changing. It was getting worse instead of better. For my mental health, I needed to end the cycle.  What I know is that I am a genuinely happy person with a pretty stressful life. The last 6 weeks have been anything but happy for me. I blamed it on the end of summer, changes in work, family stresses; everything but what was looming over me. It took having a good friend ask me if was happy. What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m happy! It made me think though…I realized that he saw something that I didn’t see. I was not truly happy. I was actually quite miserable. I needed to fix it for me and for my kids. 

Yesterday was that day. With the help of my bestie and my protector, I survived the day of him moving all of his things out of my house. I saw then and again today that I made the right decision. Tonight, it is all over…life moves on like it always does. I walk about my house and see that there is nothing left of him here. My bedroom is neat and orderly again. My kitchen is back to the way I like it with my dishes back in the cabinets where they belong. I took control of my home back and we are all happy again. There is silence. It is peaceful. I feel content. 

As I close my thoughts, I have tears in my eyes as I think of all the fun we had. Great memories were made in the first few months we were together. I don’t know why things changed. I truly wish they didn’t. I want to be that happy girl again. I miss him. I miss the companionship.  I have grown. I won’t settle. I have learned from the experience. I will wake tomorrow stronger. 

I am a playful and happy girl that just wants everyone to get along.

I was timid. 

I am now resilient. 

Don’t fuck with me. 

The Collar

9/2/2018

I was scared. Fearing the unknown. I knew we were going to play later that night, but this felt different. His energy was different. I couldn’t grasp what it was that created my anxiety. I trust him. I follow him. I love him. I have no reason to fear him. What I needed was for him to reassure me, but he left the house and vanished for most of the afternoon, leaving me alone with my thoughts. What he didn’t know was that my stress built exponentially without his reassurance. What I didn’t know was that he spent the day planning his evening with me. Alone with my thoughts, which became stress and anger by the time he returned home. Stress and anxiety for the unknown. Anger because he wasn’t there to save me from myself. He arrived just in time for a quick shower and then out the door we went for whatever awaited me. We are a couple that is still learning our way in this relationship. We have a wonderful Leader/follower relationship but incorporating some of the D/s has been a learning experience. I had no idea just how much learning I was about to do.

            The ride to our friends’ home was mostly in silence. I was scared and upset. I couldn’t verbalize what was bothering me. I knew he had wanted me to wear a dress, but I chose not to, putting it in my bag to bring with instead. He didn’t say a word or question my clothing choice before we left or on the ride over. He waited until we were with friends to question my choices. Now I had an audience. I was embarrassed and angry…more than I was when I walked through the door. Questioning me about my decisions. I was pissed so I grabbed my bag and slammed the bathroom door when I went to go change into the damned dress. Why is that so damn important? WTF. When I came back and sat down on the couch, I just glared at him. I couldn’t speak. Tears just rolled down my face. I was questioned about why I was fighting him, but I couldn’t fully explain my thoughts. They were all floating around above my head, and I struggled to make sense of them. 

            I cried. A lot. I was out of control and needed to be put back together again. I didn’t know how and that scared me because I am usually in good control of myself. Not tonight. Not even close. I was then given a task. I was told to set the table and prepare for our meal with a friend while he and the homeowner went outside to the grill. I was distracted with my task, setting the table the way he likes, talking with a fellow submissive. I found myself feeling more like myself. Laughing even. We enjoyed a nice meal together, had wonderful conversation and my anxiety eased. The tension in the room lifted and I could breathe. I kept myself busy, cleaning up the dishes while the conversation continued. Then it was decided that we would go back to the living room. 

I felt tense and nervous again…the unknown had arrived. Part of me was relieved. I just wanted to get it over with. Survive whatever they had in store for me. In the room was a Sadist and my loving, sensual Dominant with a definite sadistic side and a fellow submissive who gave me encouragement. A spanking bench was carried into the living room. It was at that moment that I had a realization that I was going to be playing with an audience. I am shy. Modest. Some would argue the shy part but that is mainly because I survive the crippling shyness by using my humor and wit to mask it as best I can. It is always there though. It’s like a dark shadow that is always reminding me that someone is watching, listening and judging everything I say and do. It is a constant battle to ignore the shadow, to tell it to fuck off…that I don’t care what others think. The truth is that I do care. I wish I didn’t. The mere idea of being watched and critiqued (at least in my mind) was horrifying. That’s when the panic happened.

My Leader stood up in front of me, took my hand and instructed me to stand. My hands were shaking, I looked up at him with a quivering voice and tears in my eyes. Looking around the room, there were eyes on me, a bench I knew I would eventually be kneeling on, but not a single toy. What was he doing? He wasn’t giving me any clues at all. I was petrified. I was looking him in the eye and I know he saw my fear. He was kind, loving and reassuring. Then he was talking and I was barely comprehending his words until I finally put together the words and black piece of leather in his hand. It was a collar. It was pretty, elegant even with a pink heart hanging from it. My name was on one side and he tried to get me to read the other side but my eyes couldn’t focus on the tiny letters. Even now, I couldn’t say the exact words, but I know it said that I belonged to him. It was unexpected and my head was spinning. My breathing increased. I could feel my heart racing. He slowly put the collar on me, while calmly speaking to me in words that I don’t remember. My only memory is that he was reassuring me that he loved me and that he was going to take care of me…that I was safe. He attached a leash to the collar…I remember it being thin black leather with sparkles…clear stones maybe. It is a blur because he then told me that when I wear the collar I had to sit on the floor. I cried. Again. He hugged me and then lowered me to the ground. That’s when I fell apart. I sat on the floor, curled up inside myself, and buried my face into my arms on the couch now above me. I was being asked what I was feeling from across the room. I was being asked to put words to my feelings and emotion, but I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed. I was someone different. I was someone that I didn’t know. I have met her before, a long time ago but I have fought to be strong since that time. The submissive that was in control of herself. Unbreakable. There I sat, crying and broken. It wasn’t until I was riding home hours later that I was able to comprehend my feelings in that moment. It was me recognizing that I was, in fact, under his control at that moment. No more arguing. No more holding onto the anger that had me fired up earlier. I had fully submitted myself to him. I was his. Everything changed in an instant, with a small piece of leather and a shiny buckle. It was humbling and overwhelming.

My breathing slowly calmed, and I was able to slowly grasp time and place again. I felt his hand on my back, reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. He helped me stand on my shaking legs and he hugged me, further reassurance that I was safe. Then…a blindfold. OMG. WTF. Just seeing it in his hand…I vaguely remember hearing him say that I needed to wear it. I was petrified. Panic again…I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking…crying…I didn’t understand why that was needed. He held me…consoled me…then as I calmed, I knew it wasn’t negotiable. I was going to be wearing that blindfold. I agreed to let him place it over my eyes. He gently put it in place and then my world went dark. He whispered in my ear that I needed to take off my dress. Panic again…was this the third time? I always thought of myself as a strong person. Resilient. Fierce. Now, I felt weak and pathetic. We weren’t alone. The idea of him taking my dress from me now…making me walk across the room without it. It was a vulnerability and exposure I couldn’t mentally handle. He held me again…full panic…shaking head to toe and crying…again. He didn’t push. He knew it was too much. He said it could wait…and instead slowly walked me to the bench. He helped me to slowly kneel on the bench and instead of removing the dress, he lifted it, leaving me exposed as he walked about the room, preparing whatever it was that he had in store for me. It felt like an eternity. Kneeling in the dark…feeling exposed…feeling the eyes that may or may not have been on me. Listening to him bustling around the room arranging his tools for the evening. 

He slowly started touching me, gently. I felt my dress being raised higher, exposing my back. He was gentle and kind. I relaxed. He slowly put it up over my head and it was gone. The last bit of control that I had left was taken. I was there, in a friends’ living room, exposed and fully under his control. I don’t know how much time elapsed. I know that he was sensual, made me drift off to the light flogging and touching with various textures. I was relaxed. He roused me to make sure I was ready to escalate and I said yes. His tempo increased, and so did the power behind the strikes. I could feel the intensity increase, I could feel the pain but it wasn’t pain. It hurt so good. I couldn’t tell what implements he was using…I noticed a paddle of some sort, a flogger, and something that reminded me of the texture of a witches broom. It was stingy and I loved it. Then the flogger again…it hurt and it massaged and I loved every minute. I laughed and apparently was smiling…and then the intensity and pain increased bringing me close to that edge. Then he slowly calmed me, noting that I was bruised enough, an accidental small break to the skin that I didn’t even feel. It was time to bring me down. My breathing calmed. He helped me recover and then brought me slowly, on shaking legs, back to my place on the floor. I curled into him as he laid out a picnic or sorts on the floor in front of me. He truly thought of everything. I sat there, breasts exposed to the room, with my dress sitting in my lap. I no longer cared. I survived. It was safe. I made him proud. The collar that created stress and panic, now felt like it belonged. The feel of the leash hanging from it and resting on the skin between my breasts felt like a security blanket. When it was time to get dressed and go home, he removed that leather collar and instead of being relieved, I felt like something was missing. I was me again. The strong, resilient girl that I was earlier that day, but I know that I am so much more now. There was a lot to process. The ride home was wonderful, we talked about the evening and my thoughts about everything. The night once home was amazing as well…but I’ll keep that part to myself