🎶🎶…and the daffodils look lovely today 🎶🎶

Daffodil Lament by Delores Mary O’Riordan

August 3, 2019


As I sit here on a peaceful Saturday morning with my cup of coffee, I can’t help but to reflect on my life, experiences that I have had, both good and bad, and decisions that I have made. My journey has taken so many twists and turns. No one has a straight line journey, we all take detours and stray from the path at times. We just need to hope that we find our way back again.

I am fortunate to have found my way back after a detour in the wrong direction. I was lost in the wilderness and fighting my way back, I am fortunate to have found my way with no permanent scars. No experience is wasted and this one has taught me so very much about who I am, who I need in my life and who I need to keep out of my life. One thing I have learned is that standing up for yourself, closing a door and locking it, is far from running away. This is growth and knowing when to walk away from negative and harmful energy. It is also one of the most difficult things I have done and it has been proven to me over and over again that it was also one of the smartest things I have decided to do.

That closed door has now been sealed. I will not ever open it again…because opening it would drag me right back into the poisonous atmosphere where the drama lives. People talking about and using each other, manipulation and lies, and the constant judgement in a lifestyle that likes to brag about their lack of judgement and willingness to accept each other for who they are. If you are a person who can openly say that you do not trust or like someone but only keep them around because they do something for you…we absolutely cannot be friends. I truly question if we ever were…I was being used too. I do not use people for what they can do for me. I spend time with people and choose my friends because I enjoy spending time with them and because I genuinely like them. I fell for the lies and so have so many others…eventually they will see it too. I won’t be there to see it happen nor do I want to be because I have happily moved on and am in a healthy place. I slammed that door shut and bolted it.

I am now at peace and I am happy. The drama is GONE. My rose-colored glasses have been put away and I can see with clarity. It is fascinating to me that removing one person that you thought was a positive and supportive part of your life can prove your fear that he/she is actually the cause of all the problems. Simple proof is when all the issues vanish with them. I can breathe again. I wake in the morning well rested with a smile as I stretch the sleep away. I do not miss any of it…at…all.

Today, I sit with a smile as I enjoy a warm and sunny morning with my coffee. I look forward to the day as I anticipate spending time with my amazing kids and the most amazing, loving and supportive man that is in my life. He has lovingly guided me back on my path which has merged with his. We are now on this journey together and I can see that the path ahead is exciting, positive and full of love. Instead of having constant twists, turns and bumps on my path, we hold hands and follow the gentle curve of the path. As he holds me in his arms, I feel safe, happy and loved. Life is good.

The daffodils truly do look lovely today. 🎶🎶🎶

Heartbroken…betrayed…disappointed…frustrated…moving on…drama free…content…happy!

July 21, 2019

I don’t think you always realize that you have been dragged onto the drama rollercoaster until you are fully riding the ride and looking for the controller to shut it off so you can exit.

I willingly climbed onto the rollercoaster in March, 2018. It was the day I went to my very first munch. This was the day my life changed. I was petrified to walk into the restaurant because I have a deep and dark secret. I have severe social anxiety. I am working hard to get over this but I continue to struggle. When I walk into a public place filled with people I don’t know, I have an irrational fear that I am being watched and silently judged. I am fully aware that the majority of people are not giving me a second thought but the feeling causes extreme anxiety and makes me feel very self-conscious. In an effort to make myself less scared, I stand up tall, force myself to keep my head up and I put a big smile on my face…I am all too aware that if you look confident you tend to feel confident as well. It works for me…the down side of this is that there are usually other people working on their insecurities and when they see you feeling confident and strong…they misread your confidence as you thinking you are better than them. In the end, their insecurities show their own weakness…if you are submissive and Dominants in the room think you have more confidence than they do…well hold on tight because that rollercoaster is now climbing to the first hill and it is going to drop fast when it reaches the top.

So, I walked into that room and was welcomed by a few people that I had spoken to online prior to my arrival. They were friendly but I could feel myself being watched and judged. It was fair because I was coming into an established group. They needed to trust me as much as I needed to trust them. In the end, it felt like a successful night. I made some friends and planned to spend time socially with everyone again soon after.

I should be clear now…I was not new to BDSM and kink on the day of that first munch. I had previously been in a relationship with a Dominant and had learned that I truly enjoyed my kinky side. The part that was new and scary for me was to be in the kink community, owning my kinky self in public and embracing who I really am on the inside. I am a timid, sweet, empathic, silly and kind woman who has learned to be outspoken and to stand up for herself. I am respectful and demand the same respect in return. Unfortunately, I am also very trusting. Too trusting. I tend to see the good in people and assume that people have the same good intentions that I do when they really don’t. This opens me up to being taken advantage of and feeling used.

So this rollercoaster started slow, like a kiddy ride. Sure, there were ups and downs with some minor drama that would happen, but I helped when I could and tried to stay out of the rest. What I have learned is that some people enjoy the drama and create it when the ride seems to be slowing down. This happened to me over and over again throughout the last year. Was it all in fun and a Dom mind-fuck or was he just being cruel? I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and play along. Many times it was fun but it would turn mean and make me feel bad. I guess sometimes that those who call themselves Dominant feel the need to make others feel small so they can feel better and stronger and more in control. Congratulations…you made a scared girl cry. I’m sure you feel tough now. I was never able to let my wall down with this group…I tried and I wanted to but I didn’t trust everyone to keep me safe and not damage my psychological health. I am typically a happy girl and live a stressful but really happy life. I work hard and am surrounded by a loving family. I do not have an interest in spending time with anyone that makes me feel stressed socially.

The rollercoaster picked up speed over the last three months. I was getting verbally attacked and judged when I would go out and it was unacceptable. I didn’t understand why it was happening. I had never done anything to anyone there. I didn’t even have communication outside of the munches. I did date a lot in the last year. I was seeking a long term relationship and made several mistakes along the way. Apparently, I was supposed to chose one of the Doms in the group to submit to because they would train me well. Whatever…I am not going to just submit to some guy because he has a self-inflated ego and calls himself a Dominant. The person that I was seeking was a man who I felt attracted to, enjoyed his company in a vanilla setting while having a strong sexual connection and felt that a long-term relationship where I would trust his influence on my children was probable and he could be introduced and blend in with my family dynamic. So no…not just anyone will meet the qualifications. Do I look down on anyone that does not meet these qualifications? Hell no…not at all…they are not a match for me as a relationship but certainly I respect them as friends and enjoy spending time socializing with every one of them.

My current state…I got off the rollercoaster about a month ago. One of the Doms crossed the line one time too many. I already wrote about my decision to take my happiness back. I did exactly that too. After I wrote my journal entry, I signed onto my FetLife profile and cleaned it up. I deleted many people that brought negative energy into my life. I deleted all of my pictures and most of my journals. I had a few more unfriend and block me which made me giggle a little because all they really did was save me a step. When I was done, I walked away and spent three weeks in peace without thinking about any of them.

Little did I know, there was at least one who was obsessing about me and discussing to anyone that would listen just how awful I was. Apparently, I can’t be trusted because I was dating a lot previously but the fact that I am in a relationship with significant plans for the future didn’t matter. There is also the very big issue that I am not interested in a 24/7 high protocol relationship. That makes me a very bad submissive. Umm…ok. The approval of those outside my relationship are completely insignificant to me. Our dynamic is a healthy one. We have mutual respect and live a mainly vanilla daily life but I know my boundaries and there are certain things that I absolutely do not argue. When my life gets too overwhelming, he steps in and takes action to control the tornado whirling in my head. He quiets my storm and returns the calm waters. I love him and I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I will not conform to the expectations of the group when it comes to my personal life and dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant/Daddy. You do you…and I will do me the way that makes us happy.

Why do I care if this man is talking about me behind my back? I honestly don’t. I was dragged back into the drama because he was venting about me to my bestie. He spewed all kinds of hate in my direction and she delivered on cue. She told me all about the nasty things that he was saying about me. Told me that he never wanted to play with me because he didn’t trust me…bahahahaha…no, he didn’t play with me because I never invited him. I didn’t trust him to honor my boundaries and limits and quite honestly I had zero attraction…zero. No, he would never play with me…even if he wanted to. So, I was sucked back in…defending myself to someone I have no contact with anymore. Trying to help my bestie in her quest to say the right thing when she was questioned at the next munch. How about this…how about just not talking about me at all?! It didn’t stop with me though…conversations were being had about another friend too. Things shared in confidence were being discussed “on accident”. If you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? The intent was to hurt me but what ended up happening is he hurt her the most. I am angry and I am hurt that she would continue to spend time with him, knowing what he does to me. She calls him a dick and says that she doesn’t trust him and yet she involves him in her life. There are women that she says can’t be trusted and that she doesn’t like, yet she keeps talking to them and gossiping with them because they drive her places she wants to go. She talks about me and another friend and shares our secrets. I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. It makes me wonder why she has kept me around…what did I provide to her? I was always honest and helped her any way that I was able and in the end, the friendship ended because she was greedy. All the people she warned us not to trust are the ones that she was maintaining friendships with by sharing her gossip on her rides to various functions. Anytime I questioned what she was doing, she always said that she talks to them because they give her rides places. Ouch. My friends are friends because I enjoy spending time with them not because they provide me with something I need.

It is time to climb off the rollercoaster. I shut down the rides’ power last month but I was still buckled in. Today, I managed to remove the seatbelt. I closed that chapter in my book and have begun a new one. I am planning a trip with my love to Europe to meet his family this fall. I am enjoying the remaining days of the summer with my family and friends. I have deleted my FetLife and Kik accounts to keep the drama out of my life and I don’t miss them in the slightest. All the negative people that were in my life can continue their ride on the rollercoaster and have their fun, I will not be joining them in the ride to nowhere. I’m sure the gossip continues and she pretends to be a good person while she uses people that she calls friends to their faces. I know the truth though. If you have something they want or need, you will become a friend very quickly but they will turn on you faster than you can anticipate it happening if you have your guard down. I believe in karma though and everything sorts itself out in the end. I’m just glad I won’t be there to sift through the drama and be expected to defend and help put all the pieces back together. I have everything I want in my life and I am truly happy. No one can take that away.

As I release this journal, the events within it become part of my past, to be looked upon only as a learning experience. Something that can no longer hurt me.

Today is the first day of my new life and I can’t wait to start the adventure!

The day I chose to take my happiness back…

6.17.19

At the beginning of the year, I fully intended 2019 to be a year of growth, positive thinking and happiness. It is now the midpoint of the year and I find myself reflecting on a cold and rainy morning with a cup of coffee…wondering why it feels like a fall morning instead of the summer it should be.

That sounds dreary and negative. I admit that I have not felt like myself the last two weeks. A depression of sorts has washed over me. Perhaps it was the taste of not being invincible last week with my health scare. Nothing like being admitted to the hospital to make you think about life and time you’ve been wasting and people you’re wasting it on.

OK…that sounds negative too. Believe it or not, I am an exceptionally optimistic person. I typically describe the way I choose to see the world as my happy bubble…I choose to see the good in people. I truly believe that most people mean well and have good intentions…sometimes we just catch them on a bad day. My bubble smells like the beach and is filled with warmth, sunshine and pina coladas 🙂

Every once in a while someone comes along and try’s to pop my bubble. I get it…sometimes it is jealousy, sometimes it is because they are insecure, sometimes it just because they are miserable and unhappy and want everyone else to suffer with them. I feel sorry for these individuals. I don’t give up right away. I watch for a pattern though and I give them time. Maybe they just need to get to know me more. All I want in life is for everyone to be happy. I want everyone to get along. I have a need to be surrounded by people who have positive energy, are optimistic and empower me just as I will do for them. Once these individuals have let me down and I see that their negative energy is effecting me, I choose to remove them from my life permanently. I don’t do it to be mean or as an insult or anything else…I remove them because the relationship is not positive and they are causing harm to me. I simply remove the risk of additional harm and the weight that comes off my shoulders from this act is liberating.

Over the last month, maybe it is because of the health scare I had, I re-evaluated my life and those I have chosen to surround myself with. I have written before about being judged in the kink community, the one place where I should never feel that way. I was surrounded by some who believe in high protocol D/s and seemed to believe that I needed to pick someone to submit to so I could be controlled the way they thought it was needed. Here is the thing though…just because I don’t practice my kink the way you do, does not make me a brat or someone that cannot be trusted since I had not committed to anyone yet or have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. Relax friends, the taboo abusive word gets people so excitable sometimes. D/s is filled with the need for consent…I have consented to the play in my relationships and loved it…the abuse that I endured was psychological. No one sees that abuse because it happens behind closed doors. Again, I was punished by “friends” for ending that relationship and standing up for myself…later to find that most people did not like him anyway. Judgmental asshats. Still…I tried to maintain the friendships. They just didn’t understand.

I am human. In my happiness bubble, I have been fooled along the way and believed the words of a few men that I shouldn’t have. I ignored red flags. I heard what I wanted to hear. I was given a collar way before it was appropriate and I knew it was too soon, but I struggled to speak up for fear of being disrespectful of a dominant and insulting the gift. I was scorned by my “friends” and marked as untrustable because of this. The relationship obviously did not work out, which made it worse.

This is my opinion which obviously is not what my “friends” believe…but D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships in the beginning. It is dating people…plain and simple. You get to know each other, you go out to dinner, you talk about life and test for compatibility. Sometimes you know immediately that you are not compatible together, other times a few weeks to a couple months. In the end, if it doesn’t feel right, you have the right to end the relationship and shouldn’t be judged for it. My ideal relationship is not high protocol 24/7…I don’t have the time or interest in having someone control every aspect of my life. I own a home, I have teenagers, I have a demanding and high level position that needs me to think independently and not worry about what my Dominant will think if I run late today…he is extremely important in my life, but cannot be my number one priority 24/7. My children and employment are priority number 1. It is up to me to ensure that they are happy, safe and loved…the employment allows me to do that. In order for me to see a future in the relationship, I have to believe that he would be a positive influence on my children and someone I could trust to be in their vicinity. Any red flags in that arena and you bought your one way ticket out of my life. There is more to a relationship than good sex for me. I may be submissive but I am a fiercely protective mom and show respect to those around me…I expect the same in return.

I guess that brings me to my recent growth. It was with a heavy heart that I scrolled through my FetLife friend list last week. I had given myself time to think about all the events that have occurred in the last year…both positive and negative. I looked at the names and asked myself if they added joy and positivity to my life. As I scrolled though the names, I found myself thinking about how I need to be guarded when I am in their presence…I can’t be myself without them judging me or making comments that made me feel bad. Why do I allow people to do this to me? What…because I am involved in the kink community I am not allowed to be my silly and happy self? What kind of bullshit is that? No…these people were becoming toxic. The last straw that I was not able to let go of came from the last munch. I was having a fun conversation with one of the women, waiting for my boyfriend/dominant to arrive. We talking about travel and fun places to go for a weekend. I didn’t see him walk in…all I felt was his hand on my shoulder. I jumped up and gave him a hug and kiss as soon as I saw him. When I sat back down, a dominant friend across the table called me a narcissist for my behavior. Apparently, I should have been just staring at the door…waiting for him to arrive and then greeting him appropriately. Well…that isn’t the expectation of my dominant. I laughed it off and said that I didn’t see him come in because I was in my own little world and having a conversation…then he reminded me that this was what a narcissist is…focused on self. Here’s the thing though…a narcissist is actually a personality disorder. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my life is based on empathy for others, helping people and that I avoid excessive attention. When I get thrown into the center of attention, I try to divert it with humor. It’s better to laugh than to cry. This was not the first time that I felt like I was being attacked by this “friend” so I decided that if he was really the friend he claims to be, he wouldn’t keep going out of his way to make me feel like shit. Now that the name calling had begun though, I decided that I needed to determine if this was a situation I wanted to keep finding myself in. I won’t tolerate bullying and judgmental behavior from those that I thought were my friends. If the relationship is not mutually beneficial by creating joy, then it is not really a friendship.

Spending time with this group is no longer creating joy in my life. So, I have chosen to move forward with a happy face…liberated from the toxic environment that I had allowed myself to be sucked into. I have decided to take a break from the kink community as well. What started as a liberating and amazing experience has left me questioning everything. I don’t need the kink community events to enjoy what I love with my Dominant. Our relationship and the dynamic we choose to enjoy does not need the approval of that narrow-minded man and his followers.

I can now breath again…I can move forward in my happy bubble which is now intact again. The negativity has been removed from my life and I can feel the stress and anxiety melt away. This will be the last time I think of them because dwelling on the negative gives them power over me and I will not allow them to steal another second of my valuable time. Cheers to my wonderful friends and loving Dominant…life is good 🙂

Je suis contente

Happy [hap-ee] adjective, happier, happiest.

  1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
  2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
  3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
  4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas

Synonyms: cheerful, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, joyful, joyous, jubilant, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, pleasant, pleased, thrilled, upbeat, blessed, captivated, gleeful, gratified.

I have not journaled in a long time. I don’t like to write just because I think I should. I write sometimes out of stress, occasionally for self-therapy as a way to express myself and to validate my feelings and today I write from a peaceful place. It pleases me immensely that my followers enjoy and relate to my writing but truthfully, I write for me. I write because it makes me feel good and allows me to look back at my experiences and feelings and growth.

Today, I write from the dining room table in the house of my amazing boyfriend, lover, daddy, and safe place. He is my happy place. I can hear him outside mowing the lawn while I prepare dinner inside, listening to music and just smiling to myself. I sit here reflecting on relationships gone wrong, poor choices and how all those lessons led me to him at the exact right time.

A good friend has always told me that I am perfect. As he mentored me, he made me repeat it to him every time I saw him. It made me uncomfortable at first but I recognize that it was an exercise in loving myself, to quit being so hard on myself and not to change myself for anyone other than for me. I love me. I’m a strong, smart, pretty, funny, driven, trusting and loving follower that tries to see the good in everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have been fooled and taken advantage of by bullies, liars and narcissistic men who were foolish enough to think that I would tolerate those characteristics once I learned who they really were when they weren’t on stage in front of my friends.

I see it now. My lessons learned are clear as day and I can see them because this wonderful man has opened my eyes. When I met him two months ago, I thought he was too good to be true. No one is this nice, caring, loving and generous. I was guarded and waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for this man to show his true colors and make me feel foolish, broken and devastated. Guess what…he is every bit as incredible today as he was that first day and he keeps getting better as our relationship grows stronger.

As I try to evaluate our path and the things that have gone right compared to the failures in the past, I have found a few things that have become keys to our success.

Open and honest communication. This has become our cornerstone. Without the ability to feel safe being open and honest, we have nothing. I feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings and he does the same. As we have talked and shared simple daily thoughts and dreams, we have learned just how much we have in common and our bond continues to strengthen because of this.

We have made a point to always send a good morning text…every…single…morning, no matter how busy our day is about to be. This has been what starts my day for two months and how I start my stressful days with a smile. “Bonjour babe, je t’aime. Je te souhaite une journee agreeable”.  Seriously…what the fuck…makes my heart race just reading it here.

This leads us to my French lessons. Sure, I learned a bit in school but I sucked at it. Now, I feel inspired to remember the things that I previously learned and continue to try to learn more. I have a goal to learn more and become conversational. French is his native language and the language his family continues to speak at home in Paris. I have met his mother via facetime and I would love to be able to speak to her without him translating for us. He talks about going home in the fall and bringing me with to meet his family. I want to be able show the respect to his family by speaking in their language as much as I can when we are there. We speak in French when I can so my vocabulary is slowly growing…I speak at the level of 5 year old but you have to start someplace and I am determined to improve.

We both find it critical for our relationship to speak on the phone every night before going to sleep and have never missed a night. Sometimes that call to say goodnight becomes a 2-hour conversation with laughs and a French lesson. Bon nuit daddy. Bon reve. Tu me monque. Gros bisou. Je t’aime. How do you not fall asleep with a smile every night after that?

We laugh, he makes me dance, he gives an amazing spanking when I need it (and lets face it…I need it a lot), he dehydrates me (thank goodness for tarps!) and I can honestly say that no one has ever fucked me like he does…damn! We go on dates, we do domestic shit around the house, we go out dancing with friends, we go to munches, we cook together, and we just enjoy cuddling and watching a good movie together. He is my leader. I trust him and have no reason to question his decisions. He takes care of me and never tries to make me feel small or weak. He empowers me, makes me feel beautiful and loved and is always making sure I am happy and feel safe. He has rescued me when my car broke down…twice…and makes me feel safe and secure when I am stressed and overwhelmed.

We also recognize that it is important to set goals and plans. It gives you a reason to wake up with a smile and provides something to work toward…even more so when you write it down. Accountability is important. We have goals and plans. We want to visit Nashville this summer. We want to visit France and Morocco in the fall and I want to learn more French prior to going on this trip. We want to make a plan to be together, to get that adorable house in the country with a hot tub, fireplace, four-wheelers and a dungeon 😉 Goals are what make us look forward to the future with a smile.

As I sit here writing, I look up and see him looking at me, smiling, as we listen to the lyrics to the songs from “A Star is Born”, the movie we watched the first night we were together. The love story and the music speaks to me. I said that I thought the lyrics were powerful…his response…”yes, like us”. He is right…we have a powerful bond full of love and passion. The lyrics to these songs are something we both keep coming back to months after that first date. We have hit the golden buzzer…independently yet simultaneously. I am delighted. I am peaceful. I am blessed.

Je suis contente.

When you realize your “Dom” isn’t the man you thought he was…

February 12, 2019

Fool 

Noun: A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person. Synonyms:idiot, ass, halfwit, nincompoop, blockhead, buffoon, dunce, imbecile, dullard, moron, clod.

Verb:Trick or deceive (someone); dupe. Synonyms:deceive, trick, hoak, dupe, mislead, delude, hoodwink, bluff, beguile, gull, outwit.

Yep…that’s me. I’m a fucking imbecile. We all make mistakes. We all have lapses of judgement. I know as well as anyone that hindsight is always 20/20. It doesn’t change me from feeling like a fucking nincompoop though. I could say that I hate him right now…but no, that would give him power over me and I have taken that back. He will not have any control over me or my emotions from this point on.

My first instinct was to erase that bastard from my life. Delete the journals that I have written that spoke of him as the wonderful man that I thought he was. The kind, strict, loving and trustworthy Dominant. The one who told me that he loved me and made me feel safe and calmed my storms. The man that abandoned me without a second thought. That isn’t who I am though. I’m horribly embarrassed for falling for him…for sharing my deepest feelings in writing…for sharing them for the world to see. Now…I have to decide. Do I also share my anger and grief? Yes…I think I do. 

He was torn. Faced with a decision. Relocate to Las Vegas with a promotion and substantial pay increase or stay here where he owns a home, has family and me. He asked me what I would do if he took the job. I told him that I did not want to be that girl. The one that makes a tough decision even tougher. I truly wanted him to make the decision that was right for him. If the job was important to him and it was good for his career, I thought he should seriously consider it. That wasn’t what he asked though and he reminded me of that. He was right…that wasn’t what he wanted to know at all. “Fine…I promised to always be honest…I would miss you. I would feel sad that you’re leaving because you just found me”. Then he hugged me and told me again that he loved me and not to worry. I felt at ease. He was my Daddy and wouldn’t hurt me. We would find a way to make it work if he took the job. All will be as it is if he doesn’t. It will be ok. I went home with a smile. 

Daddy was sick that night…he knew that before he decided that he wanted to see me. I knew I was going to be sick in a few days. I didn’t really care at the time though because I missed him and I knew it would be a few days before I would have another opportunity. That 20/20 hindsight reminds me what a selfish act that was though. He knew that he was going to make me ill…he was miserable and felt like shit. If he was the loving Dom that I thought he was…protecting me the way he promised….would he have done that? Set me up to potentially miss work and bring this virus into my home with my children? No…I think not. 

He was going to be gone for the weekend. A sports tournament for a children’s’ team that he coaches. Yes, he must have forgotten to tell me about that…quite the busy guy. Now I have a Dom who is nursing a man cold, barely texting because he is very dramatic when he is sick, while worrying about this decision that needs to be made while out of town coaching kids in a travel sports tournament. I fully expected to have minimal communication over the weekend. What I did not expect is near radio silence.

A brief message that he was headed out and would text me the next morning is what I received. Really? He didn’t want to check in on me later that night? Ouch. Saturday morning, I sent him a good morning text…and received no reply. After lunch, I finally received a message on the Kik messaging app from Daddy. Odd, we haven’t used that since we exchanged phone numbers. He tells me that he shattered his phone that morning and that he we wouldn’t be able to text so needed to use his work phone. Good thing for Kik, huh? He said they were getting ready for the next game and that he would text me later. That was the last time I heard from him.

I waited a couple hours, thought about what he was going through, and wanted to make him understand that I would be supportive of whatever he decided. The timing definitely sucked but I wanted him to do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t be angry. I would be sad but we would find a way. There are cheap flights to Vegas afterall! No response. Just the dreaded ‘S’ that appears when the message has been sent but you know you have either been blocked or the app hasn’t been opened. Of course, it’s the app…he is busy. Why would it be open? He will see it later. 8 hours later…no response. Still the dreaded ‘S’ appearing there…taunting me. I wasn’t feeling well…I had his nasty ass cold. I sent him a short message telling him that I was headed to bed. That I missed him and hoped that everything was OK. Talk tomorrow Daddy. Except we didn’t. 

Daddy was ghosting me. I opened the app to see if he responded…but all that I saw were the ‘S’ still there beside my messages from 24 hours ago. I felt a different kind of sick now. If he loved me the way he said he did…knowing that I was sick and worrying about what he was going to do…why he didn’t even bother to open the app and check on me? No good night…no good morning. No…”hey…how’s my baby girl?” Nothing. Nothing but silence. How can everything seem so perfect one day…him going on about how he wants me to wear his collar…helping me pick one out online, talking about the future…to being ghosted. Who the hell does that? He does…my Daddy Dom…fucking Mike does that shit. The man that did this once before…the man that thought that giving me the silent treatment for three days without telling me why was a good idea. I left him once for that and he apologized, admitted how wrong he was and was grateful for my forgiveness and second chance. He was a different man after that…we had a new and improved relationship. Exactly what I had searched for…and now this. Silence for two days now. 

I don’t think so. He promised that he would never do that to me again. Would never make me feel abandoned again. Guess what “Daddy”…you have made me feel abandoned again. Worse yet…I think I have actually been abandoned. It was at that moment that I realized…with that 20/20 hindsight vision…that he had already decided what he was going to do. He wasn’t worried about the decision…he was trying to figure out how to back out of all the promises he made to me. So much for “nobody gets left behind”, huh Mike? That bastard didn’t have the balls to tell me what he decided…he was just going to vanish. I hated him at that moment. 

He obviously wasn’t going to open the Kik messages that I had sent to his work phone so I decided to send him a text message to his broken phone. He could see it when he got it fixed. 

I didn’t expect a response. Then as I arrived at work Monday morning I receive a text from him. 

That bastard. Don’t you fucking dare make me the bad guy. Don’t you fucking dare! I hated him as I read that message. I had so much anger…I could feel the heat in my face. Then I set the phone down. I cried. Let’s make one thing VERY clear…I did not cry for him…the loss of him…or his words. I cried because I was so angry. I was livid that he could hurt me for 48 hours and then find a reason to be mad at me about it. I hope that helps him to sleep better at night…thinking that I somehow caused this mess. 

Then I thought about it for a few more minutes. He did me a wonderful favor by ignoring me this weekend. He gave me the gift of allowing me to see the real man. The one that blows off the woman he claims that he loves and wants to protect and care for. The man that would make a life change without at least telling her what his decision was…the man who then lies and tells her that she was sending a text to a phone that she knew was broken…that I knew he couldn’t communicate with me. Really Mike?  

In the end…who is really the fool? I fell for his bullshit…I was fooled but I am no fool. The real blockhead here is Mike. Eventually, he will realize what he has done. What he has lost. When that happens, he will also see how he chose poorly and that he completely blew his opportunity. I will not shed another tear for losing him because I have not lost anything. I just won my life back. I should thank his company for the clarity they have given to me…before I gave myself further to the clod who never really loved me in the first place. 

He was a Dom….but not a respectable one…lesson learned…NEXT!!

The Heart is a Funny Thing…

February 9, 2019

The heart is a funny thing. It is the first sign of life…it’s that fast whooshing beat that creates so much joy and excitement for an expectant mom. It is the calming sound as you rest your head on your lover’s chest that allows you to settle into your happy and peaceful place. It also causes the sadness and grief when it eventually ceases to exist.

Then there is heartbreak. This happens when you are in a happy and peaceful place just to have that happiness abruptly ripped out from under you. It’s like a tablecloth in a magic trick. Sometimes everything on the table stays as it is…as if nothing happened. Other times, it creates havoc and a mess, and everything is out of control.

My current state leaves me on the brink of heartbreak. I feel out of control, stressed, overwhelmed and sad. I have no reason to feel this way other than knowing that there is a very real possibility of my heart being broken soon. I have kept my protective walls up for so long in an attempt at preventing myself from ever feeling this way again. I have become a master at predicting that things are going south and finding a way to end it myself, on my terms so I don’t have to feel the heartache. I took a chance though…I let my walls come down. I have met, bonded and fallen in love with an amazing man. When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me…I feel his love and his fierceness makes me want him to just take me again.

This man…my Daddy Dom…he is my safe place. He makes me laugh, puts me in my floaty place and holds me tight. I know my place with him and he makes me so happy. He bought me a beautiful collar which has not yet been placed around my neck. Tonight, I sit here and wonder if it ever will. Now…he is faced with a huge decision. Stay here with me or accept a change in his employment which would be a wonderful opportunity but would take him halfway across the country. I want so badly to be selfish…to beg him to stay. “Please don’t leave me”. I will be lost without him. I can’t be selfish though. I need him to do what is right for him. I do not ever want him to look back and regret not accepting an opportunity because of me. I never want him to be resentful of me for holding him back.

So now I wait. I wait for my Daddy Dom to make this difficult decision. I can feel his pain, his stress and his strength as he weighs all of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I know that he is going to make the right decision. Perhaps, if he chooses to relocate for his job, we can find a way to make this work. Maybe it will be the end of us. Maybe I worry for nothing. Maybe he will stay, and this worrying will all be for nothing. Too many maybes.

Tonight, I sit in my bedroom…nursing a cold that he lovingly gave to me last week. I am wishing that he was here to hold me, ground me and to stop the tornado from spinning in my head. He has a way of just making everything ok. He is my safe place. He is my protector. He is my love. He is my Daddy. I will support him in whatever he decides. Of course, I am praying that the decision includes me but in serving him, all I really want is for him to be happy. If I am being honest with myself…what I want more than anything, is to continue to be able to rest my head on his chest as he holds me tight, listening to his heart beat.

Forgiveness…

January 25, 2019

We have all made mistakes…except for me of course. I’m pretty fucking flawless…like Mary Poppins…”practically perfect in every way”. I think we all need to be realistic in our expectations of our partners. If everyone was perfect and flawless, we wouldn’t have much interesting interaction in life, would we? I think that it’s the mistakes we make that can bring us closer together and to help us create a stronger bond with each other.

Yes, I believe this to be especially true in a D/s relationship, but doesn’t this apply to all of our relationships in life? Is there anything that brings a group of women closer together than sharing a bond of something bad that happened? “I mean, seriously…can you believe that asshat did that?!” Every woman in the room will perk up and want to know what that guy did to you. This is typically followed by a sharing of stories of similar experiences and unsolicited advice about how to handle this situation. The advice will undoubtedly vary from vengeance to being better off without him to letting it go and just moving on. “Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that you’re hurt”. I’m not going to lie…the vengeance discussions are my favorites but I am generally way too nice to use any of the suggestions.

Here is the thing though…my current thought process is more about when to forgive and give a second chance versus just being positive and moving on with my life. I recently found myself in this situation and my two favorite bitches gave me so much support and love. “Yeah…I am better off!” …”It’s a good thing you saw this before it is too late”…”Does this mean we get to play, now that Dom rules are out?”. Hmmm…I suppose it does! Oops…losing track of where I was going with that…oh yeah…support from the girls! I was wronged. I was not treated with respect. I felt abandoned and sad. I felt foolish. Then he had the audacity to ask me if we were still a team. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes…about how I wanted to respond to this man who broke my trust in him. I could tell him what I jerk I thought he was and create some insults or something. I really liked him though. I still wished that he didn’t put me in this position and everything was as it had been last week. I decided to be me…to rationally tell him what I thought, how I felt and how disappointed I was because I didn’t feel that the way I was treated was justified. I had been nothing but respectful and obedient. One misunderstanding does not equal several days of silence without an explanation. I would never allow him to do that to me again. So, no…we couldn’t be a team. To my surprise…I received an apology in return. An apology that completely took me back. This man not only owned his mistake but he seemed to be sincerely sorry for his poor judgement of me and actually agreed with my assessment of the events.

The damage was done though. How could I ever trust him again? I would forever be walking on eggshells, worrying that he is going to misinterpret something and I would be left feeling abandoned again. That is not the kind of Dom I want. We parted ways on a positive note and on good terms. I felt relieved that it went well yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he made me feel when we were together. I had felt so connected to him. We had already begun to bond. He was my safe place. I could be open and honest. He made me feel confident and beautiful and I knew my place…and now its over. That jerk was making me start all over again.

About a week later, I recieved an unexpected message on the website where we originally met, from my now ex-Dom. It was a true apology written after almost a week of reflection. It came from the heart and I could feel his words inside me. I felt his pain. I knew that his pride would never allow him to ask for a second chance but he wanted me to know his thoughts and feelings. I now had options…1. I could just ignore it because he broke my trust and my heart. 2. I could tell him off and make him feel like shit for reaching out since I already told him that we were done. 3. Take a chance. Reach out and hear what he has to say. Give him the opportunity to make amends and prove that he is the man that I thought he was. Forgive him.

I went with option three. I sent a text message asking about the words that he said in his message. I wanted to know if he really meant what he said. I shared all of my concerns. The ones that were obvious and the ones that he didn’t know I had. We discussed everything. We communicated. We missed each other. He owned his mistakes and was sincere in making amends. We negotiated what it would look like if I agreed to see him again. A vanilla meet to talk with absolutely no play on the table.

A common misconception that I have found is that there is a perceived weakness in making a mistake. Why?! In my opinion, a Dom is going to make mistakes just like every other human on the planet. What makes him a good Dominant and a man worth trusting is his ability to admit when he is wrong and to learn from the mistake. Now that is someone I can respect.

Tonight, I feel happy again. It is as if the world is right again. In the short time we were apart, I missed talking to him. I missed his hugs. His arms had become my safe place. I loved how he would engulf me and squeeze me until I could barely breath but I didn’t want him to stop. It was a peaceful and safe and happy place. I knew he would protect me and never let any harm come to me. Now, he has come back. Our journey will begin again…slowly.

In the end, I am glad this happened. It gave me the opportunity to share concerns that I had even though they seemed small previously. We now have a clear understanding of each other and what expectations we each have. Yes, I know…I am the submissive. I still get to have expectations though and just as I need to stay within the boundaries and follow the rules that he sets forth…he also needs to treat me with the respect that I deserve and make sure that he is always my safe place. Without having this experience, I wouldn’t have known just how much honor this man truly has…I wouldn’t have known how he handles a situation where he is wrong. He isn’t perfect…but I don’t need him to be. I merely need him to be willing to own it and learn from the experience. In return, I will forgive and expect the same from him in the future. I will make mistakes too (eventually…I’m too busy being perfect lately)…and when I do, I can now trust him to be respectful, to handle me appropriately and to forgive me once he has properly dealt with me and my lack of judgement.

Forgiveness is real. Did I put my wall of protection back up and reinforce it when I felt abandoned? Damn straight I did. Will it come down easily? No, probably not. I think it is going to take seeing him in action and observing how he approaches situations with me in order for me to start taking the wall back down again. Will I keep reminding him of the errors he made? No…absolutely not. It has been discussed. I have forgiven. It is time to move forward and reclaim our happiness again. It is time to settle back into my place where the storm has calmed and the tornado no longer spins. The place where I can shut it all off and just be his girl. Safe in his strong and protective arms where nothing can hurt me.

I have missed my Daddy. I just want him to come to me…to grab me in his arms and hug me like only he can and then smack me hard on the ass….making the world right again. Soon Daddy…very soon. I will be so happy to be yours again.

Ummm…not a “Dom”…

January 19, 2019

Internet dating is difficult…internet dating and searching for a D/s partner is crazy at best. My friend and I have a little “game” we unofficially play that should probably be called “Dom or NOT A DOM!”. It isn’t really meant as a game though…it has evolved as a means of watching out for each other and looking at a situation with those rose-colored glasses off.

I found this in my feed on tumbler…it is just so true…if you learn nothing else, my dear submissive friends, please remember this quote…

I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t want a fuck buddy…I’m a greedy little slut and I want a Dominant. My Dominant wants what is best for me. He wants to find those boundaries that I have created, he wants to know which ones I want to crush into the ground, and he leads me on a path to succeeding. My Dom is protective and loving yet strict and keeps me accountable. He is a leader and wants me to be a stronger and better version of myself. So…when my friend shows me a message that is just riddled with questions about what she is willing to do when they meet…I usually vote “NOT A DOM”. What she has found is one of the garden variety aggressive men who want to play with a kinky girl. Since they feel that they like to be in control in the bedroom…they believe that this makes them a Dominant. Oh my…they are so very wrong. A good Dom…in my opinion anyway…has more control and is not 100% focused on sex and giving you orders for dirty pictures from the first time you begin messaging each other. These boys need a nice vanilla girl that just wants her hair pulled and ass slapped on occasion while they are having sex.

Basically, we start out by having a conversation with someone online. Not intending to play a game, it’s a legitimate conversation on our end…at least that is what we are hoping when we open a message. Most start out ok…you know…a simple “hi”. “Wow…that’s an attention grabber if I ever saw one!” I honestly don’t usually even open those, but this one I did…

What did he expect? “OMG…it’s the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen! It’s so much bigger than all the others that were sent to me today! I need that in me NOW…” Game over…NOT A DOM!

OK…so it was definitely unexpected but not exactly what I had in mind. If the only thing you can talk to me about is the size of your cock…I can tell you right now that we are absolutely not a match. You fall into the group of men who are searching for either a hook-up or a FWB and I don’t want either one of those. These are the same men who love their cock so much that they make it their profile picture. I can’t help but laugh when I see this and you will too when you see my inbox…aka “the dick pic line-up”…

Dick pic line-up…and yes I am protecting the identity of these cocks by removing the site I received these on and their screen names from the screen shot that I took of my inbox…I’m not a monster!!

Thank you boys…now I don’t have to read your message at all! I can just go down the row and pick which one I like the best. Hmm…That one is a bit too long, oh…too short compared to the rest of these, too thin…well, it can never be too thick…wait, is that one crooked?”. Either way, let’s face it…they are all ugly and I didn’t need to see that. Here’s the thing guys…you need to understand women a little better and I’m going to give you a quick lesson in the differences between us. In general, men are very visually stimulated. You see a nice pair of tits or a picture of a pretty pussy and you get instantly hard and probably can picture that hard cock of yours slowly sliding right in that slippery and warm cavity. I’ll bet you are imagining how amazing that is right now even, aren’t you? See…visual and you’re focused on the physical act, which is fine. What you need to know is that you can talk about how hard your cock is all afternoon to me, describing how you’re stroking it for me and guess what? Even with a picture…I’m only going to be mildly turned on…IF I’m into you already. In general, women are turned on by the mental connection and the mind fuck. If you are a Dominant reading this…you know what I’m referring to. If you can engage me mentally, have me wondering what you are going to do…keep me anticipating, nervous and excited at the same time…well, my friend…you just won the race! I don’t need to see your cock. Quite honestly, they pretty much all look the same anyway. We have pretty much established that if we receive a message from a man with one of the above profile pics…he is immediately placed into the category of NOT A DOM! because these guys shout out pleeeaaase fuck me…look you can even see it first! Guess what? I am already in charge of this situation and I hate topping from the bottom so…sorry, not interested!

OMG…I thought you’d never find me! With an initial message like that…how could I possibly say no?! WTF…NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!

On the other end of the spectrum, is the man who actually gets creative. These are a rare breed and deserve a response for their effort. In my opinion, if you can make me laugh, even if I know we are not going to be a match of any kind, you will get a response. This one not only got me to open his message but received a return message as well. I had tears in my eyes from laughing during the exchange and I appreciated the effort and his personality. He received an A for effort…and he was handsome, too. As it turns out, he was good vanilla guy looking for a friend with benefit…not what I was seeking but fun to talk to just the same.

Easily one of my favorite initial messages I have ever received…

Anyway, back to the game. Women get a lot of messages on these sites. Some are legitimately good guys who are seeking a partner, whether it is vanilla, kinky, or a D/s dynamic of some sort and they are honest about what they seek. Here’s the thing though…among those 4% of men that were just mentioned…there is another 96% that just want a friend with benefits, a fuck buddy, a hook-up and/or a kinky friend who will do things that his/spouse won’t do. The truly sucky part is that it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between all these different men until it is too late. This causes us to waste a lot of time talking to people that we would normally just say something like: “Sorry sweetie…we want different things. Best of luck on your search for the perfect slut”.

Umm…NOT A DOM! NEXT!!

This is how the game is played…I receive a screenshot from my friend and she says…what do you think? Dom or not a Dom? I read the exchange and tell her my gut feeling and why. Then, I do the same when I’m on the fence and just can’t decide if I believe what I’m reading or not…”I kind of like this one…he is funny and seems to want and like the same things. What do you think?Or…sometimes you just get sidetracked by the absurd messages that you can’t believe you really just received. Here are a few examples of what we see…big eye roll…

NOT A DOM! Wishes he was kinky…LOL…NEXT!!!

First of all…you aren’t my Daddy just because you call yourself a Daddy…second…a good Daddy wants to nurture and care for his girl. This is not how Daddy says hello the first time. NOT A DOM! NEXT!!!

Daddy shouldn’t have to try to be in charge…he just is. Also, Dominant and bossy are two different things. I don’t need or want bossy…I want a leader. You just want to cum on a set of tits? That’s not a very good Daddy…Daddy wants to take really good care of his girl first because he knows that his girl can’t serve him well unless she is being cared for too. NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!!

My fellow submissives…here a few guidelines that I personally follow to help me rule out the horny guys that are trying to prey on a woman who they perceive is weaker than they are…

  • Any man with a dick pic as a profile pic or included in the initial “hello” message is typically not a Dominant. This one is trying to get laid and mistakenly thinks that we won’t be able to think of anything other than getting that cock inside us once we see it as teeny tiny image on our phone screen. Didn’t think that one through very well, did you boys?
  • Any men that say things like: “How submissive are you?” or “If you’re submissive, then you have to do anything I tell you to do…so show me your tits…now.” OMG…I have to admit that I actually really enjoy getting these messages on occasion. These boys are of the imbecile variety and absolutely do not have a clue. They are here for our entertainment and you are free to tease and taunt them at will for their stupidity. Absolutely not a Dom…not even a man worth a hook-up.
  • Any boys that say they are 19, call themselves a Master Bull and want to know what the youngest guy you’ve been with is. “Sweetie…you’re not even old enough to be in control of yourself, certainly not a strong alpha submissive woman”. I don’t play or converse with children…NOT A DOM…AND PERMANENTLY BLOCKED.
  • Any men that immediately demand that you call them Daddy or Sir or Master from the very first conversation. You have not earned that title and respect buddy. I’m not your little girl and you aren’t my Dom until you’ve earned my trust and respect. There are some of this variety that are Doms but tend to be arrogant and need the constant reminder that they are in control by needing that title at all times. Many others do not really get it and think that if they get us calling them Daddy or Sir or Master right away, maybe we won’t notice that they have never done this before. NOT A DOM…NEXT!!
  • Beware of the men who show all the pictures of their toys in their profile pictures. These guys are working really hard to show you what they want to do to you but it doesn’t mean that they know how to use those implements safely. Also, knowing how to use a flogger or a paddle doesn’t mean you are Dominant. It means that you are kinky and like to play with fun toys. That’s OK and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this variety of men but if I need a true Dom, you need to know that I need the mental domination too. Meeting to play on occasion isn’t going to do anything for me. We aren’t a match because you aren’t a leader…you’re a fun kinky guy. NOT A DOM!
  • Any men that don’t understand what some basic things mean when you talk about what you need and want in a D/s relationship. I once had someone who claimed to be an experienced Dominant ask me what D/s stood for…seriously?! Anyone who doesn’t know what aftercare is and why it is so important after a scene…RUN. This one is dangerous and he is not a good Dom if he is one at all.
  • Finally, anyone who is disrespectful or makes you feel bad in any way. A good Dom should make you feel beautiful, wanted, cherished and empowered. If he is making you feel stressed, broken, sad or bad about yourself…he is not a good Dom and I would venture to call him an abusive bully. RUN and don’t look back.

In closing, just remember that we all have different kinks, wants and needs in this dynamic. Communication is critical in building the necessary trust that is needed. Yes, you need to talk about your kinks with a potential partner…but guess what? The kinks are not the number one concern. You need to connect with each as people first…do you even like each other? Go with personality first, if that test is passed, look at the type of dynamic you both want. What are his expectations of a submissive? Who cares if he is an expert with a flogger if your personalities clash and he wants to keep you caged like a pet while he watches his football game on Sundays? It’s your hard limit? Too bad…it isn’t his so get in the cage. Ummm…was the flogger worth it? Perhaps this should have been thought through a little better, huh? Communicate and be honest and then everyone gets what they want and need…and for fuck’s sake guys…get creative and be honest about what you want. I have so much faith in you…you can do it!

Another tumbler find…I have no idea who it belongs to but it is 100% true. You know when you have that feeling that something isn’t right. Trust your gut and walk away. Your gut is rarely wrong.

The Joys of Online Dating for a Submissive

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I have found that many online cannot commit. Some are married, others want a kinky friend with benefits (FWB) and many more call themselves Dominants but have no idea what a real submissive even is. 

“Wait…so you’re submissive? So, if I tell you to show me your tits, you have to do it, right?” … Wow, yeah that is exactly how it works. I just blindly follow the orders of every asshat on the street because, as a submissive, I do not have any functioning brain cells. What a fucking moron.

These little boys have no idea the strength, resilience and trust it takes to submit to someone. I know that I have more strength in me on a bad day than these pathetic boys will ever hope to have. I digress…this sounds judgmental now doesn’t it? Believe it or not, I do not judge all of these individuals because they are all making choices that are right for them. What I perceive as unfair though, is that they sometimes judge me harshly for not wanting to be involved in what they are rationalizing as an appropriate decision that is working for them in their situation. I think that some have forgotten that just because I am online and am an unattached submissive, it doesn’t mean that I am obligated to submit to their needs and be happy to serve a lonely, sex deprived, elderly married man. “Hot damn…where do I sign up for that?! I NEED TO SNATCH THAT ONE UP BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!”I think that someone is forgetting that I also have the right to make the choices that are right for me and those choices include seeking a relationship with someone who I am attracted to…yep, that’s right boys, just because you like getting off to my pictures, doesn’t mean that I can stand the sight of you. 

Age can be a real issue. I receive a lot of messages from boys…yes I’m calling you boys…who want to fulfill their fantasy of finding Mrs Robinson. Hate to burst your bubble kids…I have ZERO interest in a single one of you. I don’t care if you are 22 and keep it hard for hours…my glass dildo lasts even longer, and I have more skill in my right hand than you do in that cock that I see in your profile picture with the remote control or water bottle. Oh…I’m sorry, you thought you were being original. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the entitled elderly “gentleman” who swears that it still works…just give him a chance. Guess what, I’ll bet that old toothbrush lying on the curb on garbage day still works too…doesn’t mean I’m going to put it in my mouth. Gross. I get a lot of rude comments from men that are 70-ish. Apparently, I am not so young either and as a 47-year-old woman, I should just give up and fuck him because he is as good as it gets for me. “Whew! So glad he found me in time!” I am not looking for young and I am not looking for old. I am not looking for a rich guy to take care of me either. Quit telling me about your money. I DON’T CARE. I love my job, I have worked hard for what I have and I won’t be leaving my career to serve you or anyone else. What I seek is someone within 10 years of my own age. As I have told my submissive friends, if I can’t picture myself willingly on my knees, begging him to allow me to worship his cock on a regular basis…I can tell you right now that he will never be my Dominant, no matter how much I respect him and value his friendship. My Dominant will be attractive to me, kind but strict, he will allow me to be myself while molding me to be the submissive that I long to be, he will be funny and allow me to embrace my creativity and humor, sometimes without consequence (as long as I am being respectful, of course!) and he will be a true long term and loving partner. 

I guess that I am just a bad girl for not wanting to submit to that married guy. Hurry…someone spank me for that!! I should probably feel bad for their tough life of deprived sexual contact. If they are that miserable, they should either fix it or leave. I am not here to fill their void. I will be the cherished partner…NEVER the secret one. Many love to tell me that they love their wife or their girlfriend so they don’t want to leave…what was I thinking? I should understand this and just let them fuck me on the side. We can be “discreet” so no one gets hurt. He can just give me orders, demand naughty pictures and control me from a distance. “Wow…that sounds awesome! What a lucky girl I am to be chosen for this great honor. Fuck off buddy…not interested.” This is a win-win situation only for him…the great and powerful almighty Dom. Guess what asshole…I WOULD GET HURT BECAUSE SUBMISSION IS NOT AN EMPTY ACT FOR ME. I guess I don’t count, huh?

Here’s the thing…I was married once too. I loved my husband and continue to love him. We were not on the same page anymore though. It happens. My marriage was no longer healthy. My needs were not being met. Instead of seeking it elsewhere and taking the easy road by staying married, I divorced him and found my way. I did not expect others to compromise their self-respect by asking them to be part of a cheating wife’s escapades. Perhaps they wouldn’t have cared. With that being said, I am actually not judging. I know it sounds like I am, but I just don’t want to be part of the triangle in someone else’s marriage. I don’t share well. If I’m playing, fucking and connecting with someone…he is not going home to someone else’s bed. I am not spending all of my holidays alone while he enjoys it with the family he pretends does not exist when he is with me. That’s where it hurts me. I will NEVER be someone’s dirty little secret. 

Here is the thing I learned from all of this. I think that when we first enter this lifestyle, we dip our toes in the water, we start experimenting and search for what we perceive is the ideal partner…whether it is of the Dominant or submissive persuasion. A young, fit, attractive person with an infectious personality and a great career…then we wake the fuck up and realize that the only thing that should really matter is the connection, energy and dynamic. Newbies tend to need the handsome prince or princess…I have found that handsome is all in the eye of the beholder. I have met socially beautiful people just to find them turning ugly as they open their mouth to speak. I have also met socially average to below-average looking individuals and found myself incredibly attracted because of the way they treat me and the wonderful and loving personality that they have. Sometimes you do need to kiss a few toads to find that prince but when you do, you’ll be glad you tossed those toads back into the pond…or the highway…whatever works.

I am a natural submissive. Do not mistake my kindness (and a simple hello) for weakness. I am nice to everyone unless you give me a reason not to be. I will be sassy to everyone…seriously…what does a girl need to do to get a spanking around here? Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I’ll add it to the list! 

Newbie subs…don’t give up and don’t settle. Let the toads all sort it out in the murky pond on their own. Your prince will find you when you least expect it. He/she is worth the wait.

I am A submissive…not YOUR submissive

11/22/18

I am A submissive. I am not YOUR submissive. I really don’t care how long you have been in the community. I truly don’t care how much experience you have. Your expectation of what a submissive needs to be may not match the kind of submissive that I am. I am a natural submissive. I am also an Alpha Submissive who knows exactly what I want, what I need and how I want to serve. I refuse to top from the bottom because I am a follower who needs to be given the safe place to shut off my brain. I need a Dominant who understands my needs and knows not only how to fill them, but that finds his needs met in the process. I NEED to give my submission, but I will not disrespect myself by settling for anything or anyone who does not meet my needs or does not treat me with respect. I will NOT be judged by any Dominant who cannot or chooses not to understand this. I am not yours to judge. I am not yours to criticize. I am not yours to punish. I cannot trust or respect anyone who thinks otherwise.

In my opinion, finding the Dominant that is right for any submissive is not any different than vanilla dating. OMG…the Dom wants to dominate me…I must submit immediately because of this great honor! FUCK THAT SHIT. Seriously, what makes him worthy of my submission, my trust, my adoration? Sometimes you know on that very first date that there is no way that this is going to go anywhere. Other times, it may take a few dates and a play session or two to know the same. Sometimes you are fooled and fall for the egotistical narcissist. There may even be the time when you just need to play without the intention of a relationship. Oh my god…it’s a hook-up. What…a…slut. Fuck off if that’s what you think. Yeah, I had one of those too. It was an amazingly fun night and I don’t regret it for a second. Sometimes, you receive an unexpected message and just click. Sometimes you meet for coffee and find that the connection is exactly what you were looking for. Sometimes you allow your walls to crumble down all around you because you know that this incredible man is offering everything you need and what you offer is what he seeks in return. Sometimes you find yourself giving your gift of submission and accepting his ownership sooner than what friends think you should. Sometimes they forget that they do not know what has transpired in private to make you feel safe, allowing you to make this decision. Sometimes they forget that you are a grown ass woman who is smart and her brain processes situations at a constant rate, always thinking about her safety and vulnerability but knowing that you have to take a leap of faith on occasion. Sometimes you don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks when this miraculous event happens. I am happy. Don’t you dare try to steal that from me. 

The important part is that one recognizes when a relationship is not right for them and moves on instead of stringing someone along or feeling trapped in a relationship that isn’t healthy. I have done some dating this year. Yes, these men were all wonderful people (I reserve the right to say that one most certainly was not) who were not a good match for me but are making another submissive very happy. I continue to have respect for them and want nothing more than to know that they have found happiness. I enjoyed the company of a wonderful Dominant whose needs I could not meet. Another who could never meet mine. I gave another a fair chance, attempted to submit even but I could not trust his leadership or ability to keep me safe. Perhaps people need to understand that you can’t believe everything you see and that things happen behind closed doors that you don’t know about. Sometimes people act one way in public and so very differently at home. Sometimes they like to act like they want to learn and even play the role when you are watching just to go back to being arrogant and looking down their nose at those who tried to help. Sometimes the dominant act ends the minute the car door closes, and he becomes his vanilla and judgmental self when no one in the community is watching, making the sub miserable and defensive of her friends.  Sometimes people just don’t like to admit that they fell for the same bullshit that I did. Yet, I am now a bad submissive because I took my life back and will not allow someone to make me feel bad about myself in order to make themselves feel like a real Dominant. Sometimes people like to discuss this and judge you because you didn’t sit at home crying about your loss and instead moved on and continued your search for happiness. I also would have been called a fool to stay in a relationship like this. Sometimes, you just can’t win. I will never allow myself to be a victim. No one has the right to judge me for leaving a relationship that I can describe as nothing less than mentally abusive. Period. There are some absolutely amazing men whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and befriending that are not and never will be good matches for me. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have different kinks and different needs from a D/s dynamic. I’m not judging your needs. You don’t get to judge mine.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a brat. Don’t mistake my strength for brattiness. I am not your submissive, therefore I do not follow your rules. You are just another male in the room. You will receive the same respect that I give to everyone human. Here is the thing about me. I cannot give my full submission and tear down my carefully built walls of protection to someone who cannot provide the boundaries and leadership that I require. I need boundaries, rules, and structure. When I respect and trust a Dominant, I will happily stay within those boundaries and follow every damn rule down to the letter. Will I test the boundaries just a little every now and then? Hell yes, I will. I need to know that they are real and that you are going to keep me in them as promised. If my Dominant can provide this in our dynamic, he is rewarded with my respect, trust, adoration, and total compliance. 

Yes, I have moved on. Will this be the lasting D/s relationship that I have been seeking? Maybe…maybe not. Sometimes you have to take a chance and see what happens. For now…I have rules. I have boundaries. I have given my submission and trust to an amazing Dominant. My Master, in turn, has provided a safe place and the structure that I need. I do not test his boundaries. This is not out of fear of punishment rather it is my need to please him and to ensure that he is proud to own me.  I love having these boundaries and want to comply. I accept his ownership and I trust him to lead me to the place he knows that I need to be. I know my place. I am happy. Don’t rain on my fucking parade.

The Break-Up

10/22/2018

I woke up alone this morning for the first time in months. Interestingly, it is also the first time in months that I also woke with a smile, well rested and content. 

Break-ups suck. I’m not going to say that I am happy that this relationship ended. I cried. I felt horrible and I worried about my decision-making and if it was the right one. I truly thought that we had something real and that it would last like he promised. How can you care so much about someone, miss them when they aren’t there, but be miserable when you are face to face and interacting? I remember days coming home from work, looking forward to seeing him, just to be faced with comments and conversation that made me feel bad and sad. It would ruin the evening and all I wanted to do was curl up with my blanket and go to sleep. Was it intentional or just a personality clash? I will never know for sure. 

The mind is a fascinating thing to me. It is easily manipulated and fooled. We see red flags, our gut tells us that something isn’t right, but we ignore that sixth sense and convince ourselves that we are paranoid, that we are sabotaging our own relationships. We believe that we will regret leaving when we see what we walked away from. It is in that moment that the strong and resilient take note and examine those red flags, realizing that life will go on if we take control of ourselves again. 

There is a name for this…it’s called gaslighting and it is a form of psychological abuse when it is done deliberately. This type of manipulation is used to make you trust this person while doubting your own perceptions of sanity. You feel guilty for doubting this person that you trust. They justify and explain their actions differently than you remember the situation occurring and then fill your head with expressions of love and flattery to confuse and reason away any discrepancies in the story being told. You are reassured, then you doubt yourself, ignore your gut and become more confused. 

I have gone through this cycle more times that I can count in the past 6 weeks. As a nurse, I would have recognized it quickly if I watched a friend in this cycle. It’s interesting that you can’t see it when you are in it though. How can I be so happy after we are out with our friends, then get in the car and start talking about something fun that happened just to have my words twisted into something that was never intended? How can I go from being so happy to being made to feel so broken inside? Why does he keep doing this to me? My Dom is supposed to help me feel strong, to build me up, not to tear me down and feel small. Why do I have to try to be so careful about how I tell a story? I started building a wall to protect myself and then he would be angry that I am now pushing him away by being quiet. I can’t win.

Maybe he was just ego-centric and doesn’t realize the spiral he is placing me in…or maybe he is a narcissist who enjoys breaking me down so he can convince himself that he is the good guy there to rescue me over and over again. Funny that I didn’t need rescuing before I met him. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. He could just be a dumb guy that has no idea how his words hurt me. 

Regardless of the motives, no matter how much communication of my feelings and why I feel bad occurred, nothing was changing. It was getting worse instead of better. For my mental health, I needed to end the cycle.  What I know is that I am a genuinely happy person with a pretty stressful life. The last 6 weeks have been anything but happy for me. I blamed it on the end of summer, changes in work, family stresses; everything but what was looming over me. It took having a good friend ask me if was happy. What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m happy! It made me think though…I realized that he saw something that I didn’t see. I was not truly happy. I was actually quite miserable. I needed to fix it for me and for my kids. 

Yesterday was that day. With the help of my bestie and my protector, I survived the day of him moving all of his things out of my house. I saw then and again today that I made the right decision. Tonight, it is all over…life moves on like it always does. I walk about my house and see that there is nothing left of him here. My bedroom is neat and orderly again. My kitchen is back to the way I like it with my dishes back in the cabinets where they belong. I took control of my home back and we are all happy again. There is silence. It is peaceful. I feel content. 

As I close my thoughts, I have tears in my eyes as I think of all the fun we had. Great memories were made in the first few months we were together. I don’t know why things changed. I truly wish they didn’t. I want to be that happy girl again. I miss him. I miss the companionship.  I have grown. I won’t settle. I have learned from the experience. I will wake tomorrow stronger. 

I am a playful and happy girl that just wants everyone to get along.

I was timid. 

I am now resilient. 

Don’t fuck with me.