Heartbroken…betrayed…disappointed…frustrated…moving on…drama free…content…happy!

July 21, 2019

I don’t think you always realize that you have been dragged onto the drama rollercoaster until you are fully riding the ride and looking for the controller to shut it off so you can exit.

I willingly climbed onto the rollercoaster in March, 2018. It was the day I went to my very first munch. This was the day my life changed. I was petrified to walk into the restaurant because I have a deep and dark secret. I have severe social anxiety. I am working hard to get over this but I continue to struggle. When I walk into a public place filled with people I don’t know, I have an irrational fear that I am being watched and silently judged. I am fully aware that the majority of people are not giving me a second thought but the feeling causes extreme anxiety and makes me feel very self-conscious. In an effort to make myself less scared, I stand up tall, force myself to keep my head up and I put a big smile on my face…I am all too aware that if you look confident you tend to feel confident as well. It works for me…the down side of this is that there are usually other people working on their insecurities and when they see you feeling confident and strong…they misread your confidence as you thinking you are better than them. In the end, their insecurities show their own weakness…if you are submissive and Dominants in the room think you have more confidence than they do…well hold on tight because that rollercoaster is now climbing to the first hill and it is going to drop fast when it reaches the top.

So, I walked into that room and was welcomed by a few people that I had spoken to online prior to my arrival. They were friendly but I could feel myself being watched and judged. It was fair because I was coming into an established group. They needed to trust me as much as I needed to trust them. In the end, it felt like a successful night. I made some friends and planned to spend time socially with everyone again soon after.

I should be clear now…I was not new to BDSM and kink on the day of that first munch. I had previously been in a relationship with a Dominant and had learned that I truly enjoyed my kinky side. The part that was new and scary for me was to be in the kink community, owning my kinky self in public and embracing who I really am on the inside. I am a timid, sweet, empathic, silly and kind woman who has learned to be outspoken and to stand up for herself. I am respectful and demand the same respect in return. Unfortunately, I am also very trusting. Too trusting. I tend to see the good in people and assume that people have the same good intentions that I do when they really don’t. This opens me up to being taken advantage of and feeling used.

So this rollercoaster started slow, like a kiddy ride. Sure, there were ups and downs with some minor drama that would happen, but I helped when I could and tried to stay out of the rest. What I have learned is that some people enjoy the drama and create it when the ride seems to be slowing down. This happened to me over and over again throughout the last year. Was it all in fun and a Dom mind-fuck or was he just being cruel? I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and play along. Many times it was fun but it would turn mean and make me feel bad. I guess sometimes that those who call themselves Dominant feel the need to make others feel small so they can feel better and stronger and more in control. Congratulations…you made a scared girl cry. I’m sure you feel tough now. I was never able to let my wall down with this group…I tried and I wanted to but I didn’t trust everyone to keep me safe and not damage my psychological health. I am typically a happy girl and live a stressful but really happy life. I work hard and am surrounded by a loving family. I do not have an interest in spending time with anyone that makes me feel stressed socially.

The rollercoaster picked up speed over the last three months. I was getting verbally attacked and judged when I would go out and it was unacceptable. I didn’t understand why it was happening. I had never done anything to anyone there. I didn’t even have communication outside of the munches. I did date a lot in the last year. I was seeking a long term relationship and made several mistakes along the way. Apparently, I was supposed to chose one of the Doms in the group to submit to because they would train me well. Whatever…I am not going to just submit to some guy because he has a self-inflated ego and calls himself a Dominant. The person that I was seeking was a man who I felt attracted to, enjoyed his company in a vanilla setting while having a strong sexual connection and felt that a long-term relationship where I would trust his influence on my children was probable and he could be introduced and blend in with my family dynamic. So no…not just anyone will meet the qualifications. Do I look down on anyone that does not meet these qualifications? Hell no…not at all…they are not a match for me as a relationship but certainly I respect them as friends and enjoy spending time socializing with every one of them.

My current state…I got off the rollercoaster about a month ago. One of the Doms crossed the line one time too many. I already wrote about my decision to take my happiness back. I did exactly that too. After I wrote my journal entry, I signed onto my FetLife profile and cleaned it up. I deleted many people that brought negative energy into my life. I deleted all of my pictures and most of my journals. I had a few more unfriend and block me which made me giggle a little because all they really did was save me a step. When I was done, I walked away and spent three weeks in peace without thinking about any of them.

Little did I know, there was at least one who was obsessing about me and discussing to anyone that would listen just how awful I was. Apparently, I can’t be trusted because I was dating a lot previously but the fact that I am in a relationship with significant plans for the future didn’t matter. There is also the very big issue that I am not interested in a 24/7 high protocol relationship. That makes me a very bad submissive. Umm…ok. The approval of those outside my relationship are completely insignificant to me. Our dynamic is a healthy one. We have mutual respect and live a mainly vanilla daily life but I know my boundaries and there are certain things that I absolutely do not argue. When my life gets too overwhelming, he steps in and takes action to control the tornado whirling in my head. He quiets my storm and returns the calm waters. I love him and I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I will not conform to the expectations of the group when it comes to my personal life and dynamic with my boyfriend/Dominant/Daddy. You do you…and I will do me the way that makes us happy.

Why do I care if this man is talking about me behind my back? I honestly don’t. I was dragged back into the drama because he was venting about me to my bestie. He spewed all kinds of hate in my direction and she delivered on cue. She told me all about the nasty things that he was saying about me. Told me that he never wanted to play with me because he didn’t trust me…bahahahaha…no, he didn’t play with me because I never invited him. I didn’t trust him to honor my boundaries and limits and quite honestly I had zero attraction…zero. No, he would never play with me…even if he wanted to. So, I was sucked back in…defending myself to someone I have no contact with anymore. Trying to help my bestie in her quest to say the right thing when she was questioned at the next munch. How about this…how about just not talking about me at all?! It didn’t stop with me though…conversations were being had about another friend too. Things shared in confidence were being discussed “on accident”. If you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? The intent was to hurt me but what ended up happening is he hurt her the most. I am angry and I am hurt that she would continue to spend time with him, knowing what he does to me. She calls him a dick and says that she doesn’t trust him and yet she involves him in her life. There are women that she says can’t be trusted and that she doesn’t like, yet she keeps talking to them and gossiping with them because they drive her places she wants to go. She talks about me and another friend and shares our secrets. I feel like a fool. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. It makes me wonder why she has kept me around…what did I provide to her? I was always honest and helped her any way that I was able and in the end, the friendship ended because she was greedy. All the people she warned us not to trust are the ones that she was maintaining friendships with by sharing her gossip on her rides to various functions. Anytime I questioned what she was doing, she always said that she talks to them because they give her rides places. Ouch. My friends are friends because I enjoy spending time with them not because they provide me with something I need.

It is time to climb off the rollercoaster. I shut down the rides’ power last month but I was still buckled in. Today, I managed to remove the seatbelt. I closed that chapter in my book and have begun a new one. I am planning a trip with my love to Europe to meet his family this fall. I am enjoying the remaining days of the summer with my family and friends. I have deleted my FetLife and Kik accounts to keep the drama out of my life and I don’t miss them in the slightest. All the negative people that were in my life can continue their ride on the rollercoaster and have their fun, I will not be joining them in the ride to nowhere. I’m sure the gossip continues and she pretends to be a good person while she uses people that she calls friends to their faces. I know the truth though. If you have something they want or need, you will become a friend very quickly but they will turn on you faster than you can anticipate it happening if you have your guard down. I believe in karma though and everything sorts itself out in the end. I’m just glad I won’t be there to sift through the drama and be expected to defend and help put all the pieces back together. I have everything I want in my life and I am truly happy. No one can take that away.

As I release this journal, the events within it become part of my past, to be looked upon only as a learning experience. Something that can no longer hurt me.

Today is the first day of my new life and I can’t wait to start the adventure!

Je suis contente

Happy [hap-ee] adjective, happier, happiest.

  1. Delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
  2. Characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
  3. Favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky
  4. Apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas

Synonyms: cheerful, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, joyful, joyous, jubilant, lively, merry, overjoyed, peaceful, pleasant, pleased, thrilled, upbeat, blessed, captivated, gleeful, gratified.

I have not journaled in a long time. I don’t like to write just because I think I should. I write sometimes out of stress, occasionally for self-therapy as a way to express myself and to validate my feelings and today I write from a peaceful place. It pleases me immensely that my followers enjoy and relate to my writing but truthfully, I write for me. I write because it makes me feel good and allows me to look back at my experiences and feelings and growth.

Today, I write from the dining room table in the house of my amazing boyfriend, lover, daddy, and safe place. He is my happy place. I can hear him outside mowing the lawn while I prepare dinner inside, listening to music and just smiling to myself. I sit here reflecting on relationships gone wrong, poor choices and how all those lessons led me to him at the exact right time.

A good friend has always told me that I am perfect. As he mentored me, he made me repeat it to him every time I saw him. It made me uncomfortable at first but I recognize that it was an exercise in loving myself, to quit being so hard on myself and not to change myself for anyone other than for me. I love me. I’m a strong, smart, pretty, funny, driven, trusting and loving follower that tries to see the good in everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have been fooled and taken advantage of by bullies, liars and narcissistic men who were foolish enough to think that I would tolerate those characteristics once I learned who they really were when they weren’t on stage in front of my friends.

I see it now. My lessons learned are clear as day and I can see them because this wonderful man has opened my eyes. When I met him two months ago, I thought he was too good to be true. No one is this nice, caring, loving and generous. I was guarded and waiting for something bad to happen, waiting for this man to show his true colors and make me feel foolish, broken and devastated. Guess what…he is every bit as incredible today as he was that first day and he keeps getting better as our relationship grows stronger.

As I try to evaluate our path and the things that have gone right compared to the failures in the past, I have found a few things that have become keys to our success.

Open and honest communication. This has become our cornerstone. Without the ability to feel safe being open and honest, we have nothing. I feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings and he does the same. As we have talked and shared simple daily thoughts and dreams, we have learned just how much we have in common and our bond continues to strengthen because of this.

We have made a point to always send a good morning text…every…single…morning, no matter how busy our day is about to be. This has been what starts my day for two months and how I start my stressful days with a smile. “Bonjour babe, je t’aime. Je te souhaite une journee agreeable”.  Seriously…what the fuck…makes my heart race just reading it here.

This leads us to my French lessons. Sure, I learned a bit in school but I sucked at it. Now, I feel inspired to remember the things that I previously learned and continue to try to learn more. I have a goal to learn more and become conversational. French is his native language and the language his family continues to speak at home in Paris. I have met his mother via facetime and I would love to be able to speak to her without him translating for us. He talks about going home in the fall and bringing me with to meet his family. I want to be able show the respect to his family by speaking in their language as much as I can when we are there. We speak in French when I can so my vocabulary is slowly growing…I speak at the level of 5 year old but you have to start someplace and I am determined to improve.

We both find it critical for our relationship to speak on the phone every night before going to sleep and have never missed a night. Sometimes that call to say goodnight becomes a 2-hour conversation with laughs and a French lesson. Bon nuit daddy. Bon reve. Tu me monque. Gros bisou. Je t’aime. How do you not fall asleep with a smile every night after that?

We laugh, he makes me dance, he gives an amazing spanking when I need it (and lets face it…I need it a lot), he dehydrates me (thank goodness for tarps!) and I can honestly say that no one has ever fucked me like he does…damn! We go on dates, we do domestic shit around the house, we go out dancing with friends, we go to munches, we cook together, and we just enjoy cuddling and watching a good movie together. He is my leader. I trust him and have no reason to question his decisions. He takes care of me and never tries to make me feel small or weak. He empowers me, makes me feel beautiful and loved and is always making sure I am happy and feel safe. He has rescued me when my car broke down…twice…and makes me feel safe and secure when I am stressed and overwhelmed.

We also recognize that it is important to set goals and plans. It gives you a reason to wake up with a smile and provides something to work toward…even more so when you write it down. Accountability is important. We have goals and plans. We want to visit Nashville this summer. We want to visit France and Morocco in the fall and I want to learn more French prior to going on this trip. We want to make a plan to be together, to get that adorable house in the country with a hot tub, fireplace, four-wheelers and a dungeon 😉 Goals are what make us look forward to the future with a smile.

As I sit here writing, I look up and see him looking at me, smiling, as we listen to the lyrics to the songs from “A Star is Born”, the movie we watched the first night we were together. The love story and the music speaks to me. I said that I thought the lyrics were powerful…his response…”yes, like us”. He is right…we have a powerful bond full of love and passion. The lyrics to these songs are something we both keep coming back to months after that first date. We have hit the golden buzzer…independently yet simultaneously. I am delighted. I am peaceful. I am blessed.

Je suis contente.

Kinky Kollege Spring Break 2019

The endorphins continue to course through my veins. I’m home but my head is still in subspace and I can see the drop that is inevitably coming on the horizon. Three days and two nights of new experiences, bonding with old friends and absorbing the energy that is Kinky Kollege.

The drive home was uneventful. I felt like my happy self, singing my favorite music in the car as I made the drive home, still feeling the high of being submerged into the world of BDSM for the last 50 straight hours. I was a little sleepy, a little sore, but otherwise what feels like my normal self. I wrestled all my things into the house, hugged my kids, unpacked, and made dinner for my family. In the instant that I crossed the threshold of my home, I went from being the submissive restrained to a cross in the dungeon to a mom and all the stressors and demands that come with my daily life as I was thrown back into reality. It’s this reality that has me sitting here in my quiet living room, my kids all going about their evening, and that’s when the subdrop started. I miss my Daddy, my Besties, my friends and the energy from the weekend. I feel sad but not really sad. That’s the wrong word…I had an amazing weekend and it ended in an insanely happy and satisfying way…I am just not ready to face the world and my demanding life yet. I am sad that the weekend is over already.

Five months ago, I attended my first Kinky Kollege. It was eye opening and not only did I stomp some of my own personal boundaries into the ground, but I learned a lot about myself. A great deal has happened, both good and bad, in those 5 months that have elapsed and I looked forward to attending for my second time with excitement instead of anxiety. This Kinky Kollege experience did not disappoint. I walked into the private party space confident, now having prior memories of what the experience would include. I felt instantly comfortable wandering around and refamiliarizing myself with my surroundings. I excitedly unpacked all my bags into my hotel room that I jokingly noticed came supplied with a spanking bench. My besties and I all prepared ourselves for the evening in the dungeon together, excitedly getting dressed, applying our makeup and fixing our hair while singing and giggling as we put ourselves together to be our most confident selves.

Hotel room supplied with a spanking bench..how perfect!

I will admit that I was torn though. My Daddy accompanied me for the weekend but was not able to obtain a ticket to the event. He encouraged me to enjoy my time with my friends and wanted me to enjoy the dungeon. He not only gave me permission but he told me to play and have fun with my friends. When it was time to descend to the play space, he walked with us to the escalator, reminded me to have fun in the dungeon with my friends, and kissed me as I descended down to the event. I did as I was told, and accepted some light play in the form of some spanking and flogging at the cross by my protector. I think we all mostly just wanted to feel the energy but not wear ourselves out for the weekend on the first night. I went up to my room early so I could enjoy the real fun with mon Daddy in our room…our own private dungeon. He did not disappoint and we realized the genius in my plan to bring a tarp and an extra sheet for our bed so we could play without a care in the world.

Waiting for Daddy…

Saturday was a fun-filled day that started with a smile as I woke up in Daddy’s arms, my happy place. We enjoyed a wonderful breakfast, I went to a great class, had an emotional experience at Tapas as I fought my demons and then had a small group get together in our room for some laughs and dinner before getting ready for night two in the dungeon.

I was given the opportunity to have an incredible scene with a friend again, as I did at the last Kinky Kollege. He is the one who is responsible for helping me to smash my inhibitions into the ground in the dungeon, allowing myself to enjoy the scene that was skillfully crafted. I eagerly accepted the opportunity to play again, to be “warmed up” for my Daddy and was in a non-coherent subspace shortly after feeling the wrist cuffs clip to the cross.

The scene is now a blur of incoherent memories for me now…but I do remember smelling the leather of the flogger, and feeling both the stingy and thuddy sensations of various floggers and paddles and the dragontail as it bit the skin. I remember going through a series of responses that ranged from moaning, to growling and then outright laughing from the overwhelming sensation that I can no longer distinguish as pleasure or pain. I remember eventually being turned around, facing any observers and seeing the sadistic glint in the eyes of my friend expertly wielding that dragontail and not caring that I was standing there, restrained with my arms above me, wearing nothing but a garter belt and a pair of thigh high black nylons. At that moment…I didn’t care who saw me at my most vulnerable. I didn’t see anyone but the Dominant that now controlled me for these 45 minutes. I remember laughing and growling as the flogger descended upon my bare breasts and then came up to sting with a sensation that was a combination of pleasure and pain at my dripping pussy. I have a memory of growling through the pain as a paddle struck my sensitive nipples and then letting out a startled scream as the dragontail snapped loud right next to me but not reaching just to have it lightly bite the skin seconds later…which of course induced uncontrolled laughing from me and encouragement to continue to my torturer. My goodness…is there anything better than a good mindfuck? As the scene ended, I was released from my restraints, given a big hug and shakily sat down in a chair to recover. I sat among friends and in a daze for a while before getting dressed and making my way upstairs to Daddy to tell him about my evening in the dungeon.

Of course, that’s when Daddy put my play collar on me and accepted the gift of his babygirl all warmed up and ready to follow his commands. My mind had been shut off…I just remember staring up at him…waiting for his direction as he put my play-collar in place and held the leash. The intense look in his eyes as he told me that I was a good girl. I was in an incoherent state and puddle of floating bliss when he removed the collar. I woke up in his arms, my safe and happy place, to the sound of his voice saying “Bonjour babygirl” and I just about melted. I was so happy and just a little sad because of the realization that it was already Sunday and we would need to pack up and head home in the next several hours. Another weekend gone way too fast. Je t’adore, Daddy! Bisous pour toi!

Overall, it was a truly amazing weekend. Yes, I fought a demon and won! I taught that son of a bitch who is in charge…and in this situation…it was me, the submissive taking control of the gate. That demon no longer has any power over me. I also made so many memories with friends new and old and bonded even closer with my besties and my Daddy. Many lessons were learned but most important, I had the opportunity to be me. Uninhibited, strong, and submissive. Thank you to all of my people…I love you all! I truly do not know where I would be without all of your support and love and kindness both at the event and in these days post-event. I truly cannot wait until October!

Facing my demon…and winning

March 31, 2019

Tapas. It is one of those experiences at Kinky Kollege that I truly look forward to. It is an opportunity to try new things that I otherwise might not get the opportunity to experience. It was fun the way it is meant to be and then I faced my demon. 

I knew it was a fear…I got in line knowing that it would be scary to be face to face with a man holding a cane. I was previously traumatized by a cane. I endured a non-consensual brutal (brutal to me…not so much to those who enjoy this kind of play) caning several months ago. It left me deeply bruised to the inner thigh and tit. I know that this is a sort of play that many thoroughly enjoy but I didn’t want it. I am a girl who enjoys pain during play but I am also a girl who needs to be with a Dominant who understands my need for a gentle touch and nurturing warm up that builds to the pain that I need to let go of my stress, emotions and thoughts. I unfortunately now know what a very hard strike with a cane feels like, in the form of unearned punishment and I am petrified of enduring it again. 

I stepped into the line with my besties, fully expecting to be nervous. I took one look at the table, with several canes of varying sizes displayed on it, and my heartrate increased, I was having trouble catching my breath, I was shaking and the tears silently rolled down my face. I was comforted by one of my besties and my protector as I watched my other bestie enjoy the caning demonstration skillfully delivered by a trusted friend and Dominant. I watched and felt my anxiety grow to levels that I didn’t expect to feel. I was experiencing a full panic attack and I felt weak and pathetic. 

I was approached by my friend, the one providing the demonstration opportunity. He helped me to breathe and encouraged me to let him help me fight my demon. I knew that that this implement did not have to be used brutally. I needed to feel that it didn’t’ have to be awful and traumatizing. I cried…I removed my dress and shakily climbed onto the spanking bench. Light taps…pain level barely a 2. I obviously could handle so much more across my ass but I still felt scared. He talked to me, helped me think about how low the pain level was and that I could handle a 4. I said yes, I wanted to feel a 4…it stung but it wasn’t that bad. OK…I am ready to feel a 6. Fuuuck…that stung and he made me laugh as he admitted it was probably a 6.25 so I could probably handle a 7…which, of course was a 7.75…making me prepared for the 8. This stung like a motherfucker and I felt like I had enough. I wasn’t panicked anymore. I felt ok..I did it!

Then I realized that I wasn’t done. I was now sitting instead of kneeling, wearing nothing but my panties, and I was going to feel the cane across my thigh. Once on each leg. I panicked….this is my trigger. I remembered being told to kneel with my knees apart and feeling that cane strike me at a 10/10 six times in rapid succession to my right inner thigh. I started shaking…crying but I didn’t move. I was reassured that it would be ok. It was. He waited until I said I was ready…strike one to the left leg…yes, it stung like hell but it was tolerable. I could see the stripe immediately. A few deep breaths and I nodded to accept the second one to the right thigh…with that snap of the cane…I felt my strength come back. I was shaking… tears ran down my face…but I felt strong. I faced my demon and I won. I showed that motherfucker that I am fucking resilient and will not be controlled by my fear anymore. I hugged my friend and thanked him for what he had done. 

A non-consensual caning after 10 days of healing…
A lovingly given cane strike a day after it was given.

It is amazing to me…the emotions that I feel when I look at these two photos…the same tool was used yet such drastic feelings that they evoke from my core.

Tonight, I am home, reflecting on my KK experience. I have a bruised stripe on each thigh and the sight of the lines do not make me feel panicked. They make me feel pride. He saved me from myself. He gave me a piece of myself back. The piece that was broken…the piece that I thought had been healed by time. Instead, it was healed with the help of friends and a cane in the skillful hand of a sadist that I trust with all of my being. You don’t find friends like that everyday and I am so thankful for his willingness to help me.

My self-punishment is worse than anything you can dish out…

March 13, 2019

As a submissive I have grown accustomed to rules and consequences. I am generally a good girl…sassy and silly but never intentionally bad because I truly detest being punished. As long as I can remember, there is no greater punishment for me than knowing that I have disappointed my Dominant. 

As a child, those Dominants were my parents. The look of disappointment was all they needed to have and I would crumble and the tears would run down my face. I vividly remember my parents being annoyed as they would say: “T…Why are you crying? Knock it off!” but I couldn’t. It is an involuntary stress response for me…they may as well have told me to stop digesting my breakfast. I would have had the same chance of completing that task especially because now they were more disappointed about the crying than they were about me not putting my cereal bowl into the dishwasher before I went out to play. 

Let’s face it…I had an incredible childhood with loving and supportive parents and had absolutely no reason to fear having them be angry or upset with me. As I grew older, I learned that the Dominant could also be a teacher or employer. I would shrink into myself and fight to control the tears when I was corrected or disciplined even for the slightest error. This can still happen and I have to prep myself for difficult conversations in the workplace to give myself the greatest chance of holding it together. It is debilitating to be this way. I have spent my entire adult life attempting to be stronger…to be less effected by what others think. 

I found my strength. I filed for divorce. I bought a home for myself and my kids in a new town. I went back to school, worked my ass off and earned by Master’s Degree, graduating with a 4.0 as a single mom, working full time with four kids. I was so busy that I barely knew how stressed I really was. Two years later, I have registered myself for another Master’s Degree. This time, my MBA. Pfft…I was a math minor in my first undergrad degree. I’m not afraid of taking some challenging classes. I know that I can handle it. Here’s the thing though. I finally realized that I can’t handle it right now. I am not a quitter but today I feel like one. 

Last week, I worked with the school to get enrolled and to start my journey. There was a glitch that prevented me from getting auto-registered on time. I had to send multiple emails and make several phone calls to straighten out my enrollment and financial aid because of that glitch. Then, 4 days into the 8-week session, I was finally enrolled, and I sat down to get the week one assignment completed just to realize that the booklist I had downloaded gave me the wrong name of the required book for the class. I was now unable to do the reading or the assignment. I went online and ordered the new book which arrived 2 days later than it was supposed to. Today, I was faced with feeling behind at work because I haven’t been bringing it home at night as I dealt with the school problems and needing to get 2 weeks of homework done in 4 days. I have not been myself since this started, I have had anxiety and felt unable to manage the stress of running my house, proving myself in a leadership position that has become more and more demanding and now school. Something has to give…for my sanity and the happiness of my family.

The tough realization that now is not the right time to be starting a new degree became painfully clear. I sat down with my laptop, and wrote the most difficult emails that I have had to write in a long time. I informed my instructor and the school that I would be dropping the class and the program altogether. I feel like a failure. I have been beating myself up all night because I quit something that was difficult. The subject matter wasn’t even that hard, but I couldn’t mentally handle putting that program into my life.

So, go ahead…punish me with a spanking and make me cry. The bruises will fade away but I will always remember this failure and the realization that disappointment in myself is even worse than the disappointment I’ve seen in the eyes of any Dominant in my life. Who knew?

When you realize your “Dom” isn’t the man you thought he was…

February 12, 2019

Fool 

Noun: A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person. Synonyms:idiot, ass, halfwit, nincompoop, blockhead, buffoon, dunce, imbecile, dullard, moron, clod.

Verb:Trick or deceive (someone); dupe. Synonyms:deceive, trick, hoak, dupe, mislead, delude, hoodwink, bluff, beguile, gull, outwit.

Yep…that’s me. I’m a fucking imbecile. We all make mistakes. We all have lapses of judgement. I know as well as anyone that hindsight is always 20/20. It doesn’t change me from feeling like a fucking nincompoop though. I could say that I hate him right now…but no, that would give him power over me and I have taken that back. He will not have any control over me or my emotions from this point on.

My first instinct was to erase that bastard from my life. Delete the journals that I have written that spoke of him as the wonderful man that I thought he was. The kind, strict, loving and trustworthy Dominant. The one who told me that he loved me and made me feel safe and calmed my storms. The man that abandoned me without a second thought. That isn’t who I am though. I’m horribly embarrassed for falling for him…for sharing my deepest feelings in writing…for sharing them for the world to see. Now…I have to decide. Do I also share my anger and grief? Yes…I think I do. 

He was torn. Faced with a decision. Relocate to Las Vegas with a promotion and substantial pay increase or stay here where he owns a home, has family and me. He asked me what I would do if he took the job. I told him that I did not want to be that girl. The one that makes a tough decision even tougher. I truly wanted him to make the decision that was right for him. If the job was important to him and it was good for his career, I thought he should seriously consider it. That wasn’t what he asked though and he reminded me of that. He was right…that wasn’t what he wanted to know at all. “Fine…I promised to always be honest…I would miss you. I would feel sad that you’re leaving because you just found me”. Then he hugged me and told me again that he loved me and not to worry. I felt at ease. He was my Daddy and wouldn’t hurt me. We would find a way to make it work if he took the job. All will be as it is if he doesn’t. It will be ok. I went home with a smile. 

Daddy was sick that night…he knew that before he decided that he wanted to see me. I knew I was going to be sick in a few days. I didn’t really care at the time though because I missed him and I knew it would be a few days before I would have another opportunity. That 20/20 hindsight reminds me what a selfish act that was though. He knew that he was going to make me ill…he was miserable and felt like shit. If he was the loving Dom that I thought he was…protecting me the way he promised….would he have done that? Set me up to potentially miss work and bring this virus into my home with my children? No…I think not. 

He was going to be gone for the weekend. A sports tournament for a children’s’ team that he coaches. Yes, he must have forgotten to tell me about that…quite the busy guy. Now I have a Dom who is nursing a man cold, barely texting because he is very dramatic when he is sick, while worrying about this decision that needs to be made while out of town coaching kids in a travel sports tournament. I fully expected to have minimal communication over the weekend. What I did not expect is near radio silence.

A brief message that he was headed out and would text me the next morning is what I received. Really? He didn’t want to check in on me later that night? Ouch. Saturday morning, I sent him a good morning text…and received no reply. After lunch, I finally received a message on the Kik messaging app from Daddy. Odd, we haven’t used that since we exchanged phone numbers. He tells me that he shattered his phone that morning and that he we wouldn’t be able to text so needed to use his work phone. Good thing for Kik, huh? He said they were getting ready for the next game and that he would text me later. That was the last time I heard from him.

I waited a couple hours, thought about what he was going through, and wanted to make him understand that I would be supportive of whatever he decided. The timing definitely sucked but I wanted him to do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t be angry. I would be sad but we would find a way. There are cheap flights to Vegas afterall! No response. Just the dreaded ‘S’ that appears when the message has been sent but you know you have either been blocked or the app hasn’t been opened. Of course, it’s the app…he is busy. Why would it be open? He will see it later. 8 hours later…no response. Still the dreaded ‘S’ appearing there…taunting me. I wasn’t feeling well…I had his nasty ass cold. I sent him a short message telling him that I was headed to bed. That I missed him and hoped that everything was OK. Talk tomorrow Daddy. Except we didn’t. 

Daddy was ghosting me. I opened the app to see if he responded…but all that I saw were the ‘S’ still there beside my messages from 24 hours ago. I felt a different kind of sick now. If he loved me the way he said he did…knowing that I was sick and worrying about what he was going to do…why he didn’t even bother to open the app and check on me? No good night…no good morning. No…”hey…how’s my baby girl?” Nothing. Nothing but silence. How can everything seem so perfect one day…him going on about how he wants me to wear his collar…helping me pick one out online, talking about the future…to being ghosted. Who the hell does that? He does…my Daddy Dom…fucking Mike does that shit. The man that did this once before…the man that thought that giving me the silent treatment for three days without telling me why was a good idea. I left him once for that and he apologized, admitted how wrong he was and was grateful for my forgiveness and second chance. He was a different man after that…we had a new and improved relationship. Exactly what I had searched for…and now this. Silence for two days now. 

I don’t think so. He promised that he would never do that to me again. Would never make me feel abandoned again. Guess what “Daddy”…you have made me feel abandoned again. Worse yet…I think I have actually been abandoned. It was at that moment that I realized…with that 20/20 hindsight vision…that he had already decided what he was going to do. He wasn’t worried about the decision…he was trying to figure out how to back out of all the promises he made to me. So much for “nobody gets left behind”, huh Mike? That bastard didn’t have the balls to tell me what he decided…he was just going to vanish. I hated him at that moment. 

He obviously wasn’t going to open the Kik messages that I had sent to his work phone so I decided to send him a text message to his broken phone. He could see it when he got it fixed. 

I didn’t expect a response. Then as I arrived at work Monday morning I receive a text from him. 

That bastard. Don’t you fucking dare make me the bad guy. Don’t you fucking dare! I hated him as I read that message. I had so much anger…I could feel the heat in my face. Then I set the phone down. I cried. Let’s make one thing VERY clear…I did not cry for him…the loss of him…or his words. I cried because I was so angry. I was livid that he could hurt me for 48 hours and then find a reason to be mad at me about it. I hope that helps him to sleep better at night…thinking that I somehow caused this mess. 

Then I thought about it for a few more minutes. He did me a wonderful favor by ignoring me this weekend. He gave me the gift of allowing me to see the real man. The one that blows off the woman he claims that he loves and wants to protect and care for. The man that would make a life change without at least telling her what his decision was…the man who then lies and tells her that she was sending a text to a phone that she knew was broken…that I knew he couldn’t communicate with me. Really Mike?  

In the end…who is really the fool? I fell for his bullshit…I was fooled but I am no fool. The real blockhead here is Mike. Eventually, he will realize what he has done. What he has lost. When that happens, he will also see how he chose poorly and that he completely blew his opportunity. I will not shed another tear for losing him because I have not lost anything. I just won my life back. I should thank his company for the clarity they have given to me…before I gave myself further to the clod who never really loved me in the first place. 

He was a Dom….but not a respectable one…lesson learned…NEXT!!

The Heart is a Funny Thing…

February 9, 2019

The heart is a funny thing. It is the first sign of life…it’s that fast whooshing beat that creates so much joy and excitement for an expectant mom. It is the calming sound as you rest your head on your lover’s chest that allows you to settle into your happy and peaceful place. It also causes the sadness and grief when it eventually ceases to exist.

Then there is heartbreak. This happens when you are in a happy and peaceful place just to have that happiness abruptly ripped out from under you. It’s like a tablecloth in a magic trick. Sometimes everything on the table stays as it is…as if nothing happened. Other times, it creates havoc and a mess, and everything is out of control.

My current state leaves me on the brink of heartbreak. I feel out of control, stressed, overwhelmed and sad. I have no reason to feel this way other than knowing that there is a very real possibility of my heart being broken soon. I have kept my protective walls up for so long in an attempt at preventing myself from ever feeling this way again. I have become a master at predicting that things are going south and finding a way to end it myself, on my terms so I don’t have to feel the heartache. I took a chance though…I let my walls come down. I have met, bonded and fallen in love with an amazing man. When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me…I feel his love and his fierceness makes me want him to just take me again.

This man…my Daddy Dom…he is my safe place. He makes me laugh, puts me in my floaty place and holds me tight. I know my place with him and he makes me so happy. He bought me a beautiful collar which has not yet been placed around my neck. Tonight, I sit here and wonder if it ever will. Now…he is faced with a huge decision. Stay here with me or accept a change in his employment which would be a wonderful opportunity but would take him halfway across the country. I want so badly to be selfish…to beg him to stay. “Please don’t leave me”. I will be lost without him. I can’t be selfish though. I need him to do what is right for him. I do not ever want him to look back and regret not accepting an opportunity because of me. I never want him to be resentful of me for holding him back.

So now I wait. I wait for my Daddy Dom to make this difficult decision. I can feel his pain, his stress and his strength as he weighs all of the pros and cons of staying and leaving. I know that he is going to make the right decision. Perhaps, if he chooses to relocate for his job, we can find a way to make this work. Maybe it will be the end of us. Maybe I worry for nothing. Maybe he will stay, and this worrying will all be for nothing. Too many maybes.

Tonight, I sit in my bedroom…nursing a cold that he lovingly gave to me last week. I am wishing that he was here to hold me, ground me and to stop the tornado from spinning in my head. He has a way of just making everything ok. He is my safe place. He is my protector. He is my love. He is my Daddy. I will support him in whatever he decides. Of course, I am praying that the decision includes me but in serving him, all I really want is for him to be happy. If I am being honest with myself…what I want more than anything, is to continue to be able to rest my head on his chest as he holds me tight, listening to his heart beat.

You don’t have to be serious all the time you know…

February 3, 2019

There are so many different kinds of dynamics in the world of BDSM and kink. This is one of the things I love the most. There is so much individuality and it is a safe place to be who you really are…the real you that the vanilla world isn’t ready to embrace. This freedom to make a relationship into the dynamic that works best for you and your partner…a true no judgment zone…what a wonderful existence.

I didn’t fully understand just how diverse the community truly was until my first dungeon experience. There were so many people that had so many diverse interests. I found myself walking around, observing so many different kinks and relationship dynamics, some of which I strive to have someday and others that left my head shaking and wondering how one can find enjoyment in being treated in that way. I may have observed and thought about how it wasn’t for me but I can promise this…I wasn’t judging those individuals at all. I found myself feeling happy that we could all enjoy our kinks, the things that make us individual, free and happy under the same roof and feel safe to do so openly. I have no doubt that there were some who prefer sensual play who witnessed my session and thought that I was crazy for enjoying being restrained to a cross and being flogged and whipped. I did not feel judged. I felt free…liberated…happy. Here’s the thing…each couple also had their own dynamic just as unique as they were. Some of the submissives were 24/7 submissive to their partner, others seemed like vanilla couples but they were anything but vanilla once play started. There were slaves, pets, littles, and so many other varieties of couples. I loved it and it made me think about what my ideal relationship looked like. 

This was just the dungeon experience though…what about the everyday dynamic? Just as there are so many different kinds of play and dungeon dynamics…there are so many kinds of relationship dynamics too. As a new submissive to the community, I remember having no idea what to expect when I eventually met some Dominants. I knew how I felt with my own Dom in the past, but I didn’t have any experience with openly being submissive in a public place in the presence of many D-types. Would they be intimidating all the time? Would they make me nervous and shy? Would I be scared? I went to a munch and learned very quickly that, although I was really nervous and shy, they were not scary. Well, maybe a little…like if I had some word vomit and nervously told them that I wasn’t scared! (Check out my entry: “The List”) They were masters at the mind fuck and thoroughly enjoyed teasing me and making me squirm, but I never felt scared or judged or intimidated. I felt the most accepted and welcome that I have ever felt when joining a new group of people.

Although I have been involved in the lifestyle for about 5 years, it has only been about a year since I went to that first munch. A year since I started the journey of self-discovery among the friends that I met that night. I have changed drastically since that day. I have grown. I have become wiser. I have become more confident. I went from being a timid and scared submissive to knowing exactly who I am, what I need, what I like and how I can see myself serving. Since that time, I have dated and searched for the Dominant that is right for me. Have I made mistakes? Hell yes, I sure have! I have fallen for the bullshit lies and manipulation of a few men who pretended to be more dominant than they really were. Sometimes you need to learn a lesson the hard way to truly learn it. I am a better submissive because of the mistakes that I have made. Do I regret any of my choices? Nope…not a single one of them. There were times that I felt hurt, foolish and humble…but the lessons learned are priceless.

Today…I am happy. I have an absolutely amazing Daddy Dominant that respects me and keeps me in my place all at the same time. We have the dynamic that I have been searching for. My Daddy makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, he twists my words and makes me backtrack to figure out how I ended up in this hole that I have dug which makes me wet with anticipation. He fully controls me and makes me orgasm until I slip into subspace, surrendering complete control of myself to his capable hands. I am able to let go and give myself to him…losing control physically and shutting my mind off completely…free to just be and feel what he wants me to feel. My subspace leaves me unable to move…Daddy lifts my arm and it falls heavily to the bed, he looks in my eyes and no one is home…and then I orgasm more. I am at the mercy of my Daddy who I trust completely to keep me safe. 

We have a true relationship. He never asks me for naughty pictures because he wants me…not a picture of me. We talk on the phone daily…sometimes twice with plenty of texts in between. It isn’t all about sex and kink either. We have taken the time to get to know each other. He knows the real me and I know all about his crazy ass. He loves that I am sassy and Alpha but also know my place and am always respectful. He is genuinely concerned about my safety and happiness in my daily life. He reminds me to fill up my gas tank when the weather gets cold and asks about my commute and my day at work. I worry about him when he has to drive in the awful Chicago winter weather and I miss him terribly when he has to travel for work. We have bonded. I cannot imagine my life without him. 

We almost lost each other once and we are both determined to never allow that to happen again. Misunderstandings happen, we sometimes hurt those who are closest to us. What saves the relationship is the ability to communicate. We both need to admit when we are wrong, we need to be sincere in our apology and most importantly, we need to forgive. When we forgive our partner, we do not repeatedly remind them of their mistakes either. Forgiveness means that we recognize the mistake and we move on…no one is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect perfection all the time. This helps us make the relationship stronger thus building trust and the strongest connection possible. 

I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. I have found the most amazing Daddy Dom. I love him. I will follow him anywhere he leads me because he has proven himself worthy of my trust, devotion, obedience and loyalty. When he offers me his collar, I will wear it proudly. In return, I will make him proud to own me. He will be the happiest Daddy Dom because I will make it my mission to keep him pleased and proud and happy with his decision to take me as his babygirl. 

Forgiveness…

January 25, 2019

We have all made mistakes…except for me of course. I’m pretty fucking flawless…like Mary Poppins…”practically perfect in every way”. I think we all need to be realistic in our expectations of our partners. If everyone was perfect and flawless, we wouldn’t have much interesting interaction in life, would we? I think that it’s the mistakes we make that can bring us closer together and to help us create a stronger bond with each other.

Yes, I believe this to be especially true in a D/s relationship, but doesn’t this apply to all of our relationships in life? Is there anything that brings a group of women closer together than sharing a bond of something bad that happened? “I mean, seriously…can you believe that asshat did that?!” Every woman in the room will perk up and want to know what that guy did to you. This is typically followed by a sharing of stories of similar experiences and unsolicited advice about how to handle this situation. The advice will undoubtedly vary from vengeance to being better off without him to letting it go and just moving on. “Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that you’re hurt”. I’m not going to lie…the vengeance discussions are my favorites but I am generally way too nice to use any of the suggestions.

Here is the thing though…my current thought process is more about when to forgive and give a second chance versus just being positive and moving on with my life. I recently found myself in this situation and my two favorite bitches gave me so much support and love. “Yeah…I am better off!” …”It’s a good thing you saw this before it is too late”…”Does this mean we get to play, now that Dom rules are out?”. Hmmm…I suppose it does! Oops…losing track of where I was going with that…oh yeah…support from the girls! I was wronged. I was not treated with respect. I felt abandoned and sad. I felt foolish. Then he had the audacity to ask me if we were still a team. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes…about how I wanted to respond to this man who broke my trust in him. I could tell him what I jerk I thought he was and create some insults or something. I really liked him though. I still wished that he didn’t put me in this position and everything was as it had been last week. I decided to be me…to rationally tell him what I thought, how I felt and how disappointed I was because I didn’t feel that the way I was treated was justified. I had been nothing but respectful and obedient. One misunderstanding does not equal several days of silence without an explanation. I would never allow him to do that to me again. So, no…we couldn’t be a team. To my surprise…I received an apology in return. An apology that completely took me back. This man not only owned his mistake but he seemed to be sincerely sorry for his poor judgement of me and actually agreed with my assessment of the events.

The damage was done though. How could I ever trust him again? I would forever be walking on eggshells, worrying that he is going to misinterpret something and I would be left feeling abandoned again. That is not the kind of Dom I want. We parted ways on a positive note and on good terms. I felt relieved that it went well yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he made me feel when we were together. I had felt so connected to him. We had already begun to bond. He was my safe place. I could be open and honest. He made me feel confident and beautiful and I knew my place…and now its over. That jerk was making me start all over again.

About a week later, I recieved an unexpected message on the website where we originally met, from my now ex-Dom. It was a true apology written after almost a week of reflection. It came from the heart and I could feel his words inside me. I felt his pain. I knew that his pride would never allow him to ask for a second chance but he wanted me to know his thoughts and feelings. I now had options…1. I could just ignore it because he broke my trust and my heart. 2. I could tell him off and make him feel like shit for reaching out since I already told him that we were done. 3. Take a chance. Reach out and hear what he has to say. Give him the opportunity to make amends and prove that he is the man that I thought he was. Forgive him.

I went with option three. I sent a text message asking about the words that he said in his message. I wanted to know if he really meant what he said. I shared all of my concerns. The ones that were obvious and the ones that he didn’t know I had. We discussed everything. We communicated. We missed each other. He owned his mistakes and was sincere in making amends. We negotiated what it would look like if I agreed to see him again. A vanilla meet to talk with absolutely no play on the table.

A common misconception that I have found is that there is a perceived weakness in making a mistake. Why?! In my opinion, a Dom is going to make mistakes just like every other human on the planet. What makes him a good Dominant and a man worth trusting is his ability to admit when he is wrong and to learn from the mistake. Now that is someone I can respect.

Tonight, I feel happy again. It is as if the world is right again. In the short time we were apart, I missed talking to him. I missed his hugs. His arms had become my safe place. I loved how he would engulf me and squeeze me until I could barely breath but I didn’t want him to stop. It was a peaceful and safe and happy place. I knew he would protect me and never let any harm come to me. Now, he has come back. Our journey will begin again…slowly.

In the end, I am glad this happened. It gave me the opportunity to share concerns that I had even though they seemed small previously. We now have a clear understanding of each other and what expectations we each have. Yes, I know…I am the submissive. I still get to have expectations though and just as I need to stay within the boundaries and follow the rules that he sets forth…he also needs to treat me with the respect that I deserve and make sure that he is always my safe place. Without having this experience, I wouldn’t have known just how much honor this man truly has…I wouldn’t have known how he handles a situation where he is wrong. He isn’t perfect…but I don’t need him to be. I merely need him to be willing to own it and learn from the experience. In return, I will forgive and expect the same from him in the future. I will make mistakes too (eventually…I’m too busy being perfect lately)…and when I do, I can now trust him to be respectful, to handle me appropriately and to forgive me once he has properly dealt with me and my lack of judgement.

Forgiveness is real. Did I put my wall of protection back up and reinforce it when I felt abandoned? Damn straight I did. Will it come down easily? No, probably not. I think it is going to take seeing him in action and observing how he approaches situations with me in order for me to start taking the wall back down again. Will I keep reminding him of the errors he made? No…absolutely not. It has been discussed. I have forgiven. It is time to move forward and reclaim our happiness again. It is time to settle back into my place where the storm has calmed and the tornado no longer spins. The place where I can shut it all off and just be his girl. Safe in his strong and protective arms where nothing can hurt me.

I have missed my Daddy. I just want him to come to me…to grab me in his arms and hug me like only he can and then smack me hard on the ass….making the world right again. Soon Daddy…very soon. I will be so happy to be yours again.

Ummm…not a “Dom”…

January 19, 2019

Internet dating is difficult…internet dating and searching for a D/s partner is crazy at best. My friend and I have a little “game” we unofficially play that should probably be called “Dom or NOT A DOM!”. It isn’t really meant as a game though…it has evolved as a means of watching out for each other and looking at a situation with those rose-colored glasses off.

I found this in my feed on tumbler…it is just so true…if you learn nothing else, my dear submissive friends, please remember this quote…

I don’t know about all of you, but I don’t want a fuck buddy…I’m a greedy little slut and I want a Dominant. My Dominant wants what is best for me. He wants to find those boundaries that I have created, he wants to know which ones I want to crush into the ground, and he leads me on a path to succeeding. My Dom is protective and loving yet strict and keeps me accountable. He is a leader and wants me to be a stronger and better version of myself. So…when my friend shows me a message that is just riddled with questions about what she is willing to do when they meet…I usually vote “NOT A DOM”. What she has found is one of the garden variety aggressive men who want to play with a kinky girl. Since they feel that they like to be in control in the bedroom…they believe that this makes them a Dominant. Oh my…they are so very wrong. A good Dom…in my opinion anyway…has more control and is not 100% focused on sex and giving you orders for dirty pictures from the first time you begin messaging each other. These boys need a nice vanilla girl that just wants her hair pulled and ass slapped on occasion while they are having sex.

Basically, we start out by having a conversation with someone online. Not intending to play a game, it’s a legitimate conversation on our end…at least that is what we are hoping when we open a message. Most start out ok…you know…a simple “hi”. “Wow…that’s an attention grabber if I ever saw one!” I honestly don’t usually even open those, but this one I did…

What did he expect? “OMG…it’s the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen! It’s so much bigger than all the others that were sent to me today! I need that in me NOW…” Game over…NOT A DOM!

OK…so it was definitely unexpected but not exactly what I had in mind. If the only thing you can talk to me about is the size of your cock…I can tell you right now that we are absolutely not a match. You fall into the group of men who are searching for either a hook-up or a FWB and I don’t want either one of those. These are the same men who love their cock so much that they make it their profile picture. I can’t help but laugh when I see this and you will too when you see my inbox…aka “the dick pic line-up”…

Dick pic line-up…and yes I am protecting the identity of these cocks by removing the site I received these on and their screen names from the screen shot that I took of my inbox…I’m not a monster!!

Thank you boys…now I don’t have to read your message at all! I can just go down the row and pick which one I like the best. Hmm…That one is a bit too long, oh…too short compared to the rest of these, too thin…well, it can never be too thick…wait, is that one crooked?”. Either way, let’s face it…they are all ugly and I didn’t need to see that. Here’s the thing guys…you need to understand women a little better and I’m going to give you a quick lesson in the differences between us. In general, men are very visually stimulated. You see a nice pair of tits or a picture of a pretty pussy and you get instantly hard and probably can picture that hard cock of yours slowly sliding right in that slippery and warm cavity. I’ll bet you are imagining how amazing that is right now even, aren’t you? See…visual and you’re focused on the physical act, which is fine. What you need to know is that you can talk about how hard your cock is all afternoon to me, describing how you’re stroking it for me and guess what? Even with a picture…I’m only going to be mildly turned on…IF I’m into you already. In general, women are turned on by the mental connection and the mind fuck. If you are a Dominant reading this…you know what I’m referring to. If you can engage me mentally, have me wondering what you are going to do…keep me anticipating, nervous and excited at the same time…well, my friend…you just won the race! I don’t need to see your cock. Quite honestly, they pretty much all look the same anyway. We have pretty much established that if we receive a message from a man with one of the above profile pics…he is immediately placed into the category of NOT A DOM! because these guys shout out pleeeaaase fuck me…look you can even see it first! Guess what? I am already in charge of this situation and I hate topping from the bottom so…sorry, not interested!

OMG…I thought you’d never find me! With an initial message like that…how could I possibly say no?! WTF…NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!

On the other end of the spectrum, is the man who actually gets creative. These are a rare breed and deserve a response for their effort. In my opinion, if you can make me laugh, even if I know we are not going to be a match of any kind, you will get a response. This one not only got me to open his message but received a return message as well. I had tears in my eyes from laughing during the exchange and I appreciated the effort and his personality. He received an A for effort…and he was handsome, too. As it turns out, he was good vanilla guy looking for a friend with benefit…not what I was seeking but fun to talk to just the same.

Easily one of my favorite initial messages I have ever received…

Anyway, back to the game. Women get a lot of messages on these sites. Some are legitimately good guys who are seeking a partner, whether it is vanilla, kinky, or a D/s dynamic of some sort and they are honest about what they seek. Here’s the thing though…among those 4% of men that were just mentioned…there is another 96% that just want a friend with benefits, a fuck buddy, a hook-up and/or a kinky friend who will do things that his/spouse won’t do. The truly sucky part is that it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between all these different men until it is too late. This causes us to waste a lot of time talking to people that we would normally just say something like: “Sorry sweetie…we want different things. Best of luck on your search for the perfect slut”.

Umm…NOT A DOM! NEXT!!

This is how the game is played…I receive a screenshot from my friend and she says…what do you think? Dom or not a Dom? I read the exchange and tell her my gut feeling and why. Then, I do the same when I’m on the fence and just can’t decide if I believe what I’m reading or not…”I kind of like this one…he is funny and seems to want and like the same things. What do you think?Or…sometimes you just get sidetracked by the absurd messages that you can’t believe you really just received. Here are a few examples of what we see…big eye roll…

NOT A DOM! Wishes he was kinky…LOL…NEXT!!!

First of all…you aren’t my Daddy just because you call yourself a Daddy…second…a good Daddy wants to nurture and care for his girl. This is not how Daddy says hello the first time. NOT A DOM! NEXT!!!

Daddy shouldn’t have to try to be in charge…he just is. Also, Dominant and bossy are two different things. I don’t need or want bossy…I want a leader. You just want to cum on a set of tits? That’s not a very good Daddy…Daddy wants to take really good care of his girl first because he knows that his girl can’t serve him well unless she is being cared for too. NOT A DOM!! NEXT!!!

My fellow submissives…here a few guidelines that I personally follow to help me rule out the horny guys that are trying to prey on a woman who they perceive is weaker than they are…

  • Any man with a dick pic as a profile pic or included in the initial “hello” message is typically not a Dominant. This one is trying to get laid and mistakenly thinks that we won’t be able to think of anything other than getting that cock inside us once we see it as teeny tiny image on our phone screen. Didn’t think that one through very well, did you boys?
  • Any men that say things like: “How submissive are you?” or “If you’re submissive, then you have to do anything I tell you to do…so show me your tits…now.” OMG…I have to admit that I actually really enjoy getting these messages on occasion. These boys are of the imbecile variety and absolutely do not have a clue. They are here for our entertainment and you are free to tease and taunt them at will for their stupidity. Absolutely not a Dom…not even a man worth a hook-up.
  • Any boys that say they are 19, call themselves a Master Bull and want to know what the youngest guy you’ve been with is. “Sweetie…you’re not even old enough to be in control of yourself, certainly not a strong alpha submissive woman”. I don’t play or converse with children…NOT A DOM…AND PERMANENTLY BLOCKED.
  • Any men that immediately demand that you call them Daddy or Sir or Master from the very first conversation. You have not earned that title and respect buddy. I’m not your little girl and you aren’t my Dom until you’ve earned my trust and respect. There are some of this variety that are Doms but tend to be arrogant and need the constant reminder that they are in control by needing that title at all times. Many others do not really get it and think that if they get us calling them Daddy or Sir or Master right away, maybe we won’t notice that they have never done this before. NOT A DOM…NEXT!!
  • Beware of the men who show all the pictures of their toys in their profile pictures. These guys are working really hard to show you what they want to do to you but it doesn’t mean that they know how to use those implements safely. Also, knowing how to use a flogger or a paddle doesn’t mean you are Dominant. It means that you are kinky and like to play with fun toys. That’s OK and there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this variety of men but if I need a true Dom, you need to know that I need the mental domination too. Meeting to play on occasion isn’t going to do anything for me. We aren’t a match because you aren’t a leader…you’re a fun kinky guy. NOT A DOM!
  • Any men that don’t understand what some basic things mean when you talk about what you need and want in a D/s relationship. I once had someone who claimed to be an experienced Dominant ask me what D/s stood for…seriously?! Anyone who doesn’t know what aftercare is and why it is so important after a scene…RUN. This one is dangerous and he is not a good Dom if he is one at all.
  • Finally, anyone who is disrespectful or makes you feel bad in any way. A good Dom should make you feel beautiful, wanted, cherished and empowered. If he is making you feel stressed, broken, sad or bad about yourself…he is not a good Dom and I would venture to call him an abusive bully. RUN and don’t look back.

In closing, just remember that we all have different kinks, wants and needs in this dynamic. Communication is critical in building the necessary trust that is needed. Yes, you need to talk about your kinks with a potential partner…but guess what? The kinks are not the number one concern. You need to connect with each as people first…do you even like each other? Go with personality first, if that test is passed, look at the type of dynamic you both want. What are his expectations of a submissive? Who cares if he is an expert with a flogger if your personalities clash and he wants to keep you caged like a pet while he watches his football game on Sundays? It’s your hard limit? Too bad…it isn’t his so get in the cage. Ummm…was the flogger worth it? Perhaps this should have been thought through a little better, huh? Communicate and be honest and then everyone gets what they want and need…and for fuck’s sake guys…get creative and be honest about what you want. I have so much faith in you…you can do it!

Another tumbler find…I have no idea who it belongs to but it is 100% true. You know when you have that feeling that something isn’t right. Trust your gut and walk away. Your gut is rarely wrong.

Sometimes you just need a better screening tool…

January 10, 2019

I have a pet peeve that I’m finding to be occurring more and more often lately. OK…actually there are two of them. There must be a better screening tool to avoid these issues in the future.

Relationships are hard..and not the good kind of hard either. Those that are serious tend to be on their extra best behavior in order to try to win the affection of the one that they find the most interesting. Sometimes, they trade some of that best behavior for what they think are little white lies…you know…something that they think is unimportant and easily forgiven once she meets him and decides he is just perfect for her. Guess what boys…it’s a bad idea. A really bad idea. That one small lie…avoidance of the truth…the: “oops, I didn’t know that my profile said that….” It sets the stage for me not believing you at all. (This is different from putting the incorrect town where you reside, as long as it is in the general vicinity. I do it too…it is a safety thing) Here is what happens when I learn that I have been given incorrect information…first, I’m bothered by the mistruth. “Well, it isn’t that bad, we are having fun, connecting, enjoying each others company. It’s ok. I can let this go”. Then, the next day, I sit down and reflect on how things are going and I see things a little differently. What else did he tell me that is only half truth? This is when I start thinking about how you seem to say all the right things…”but wait, did he mean them or did he know that it is what I wanted to hear, therefore probably isn’t the truth?” The funny thing is that these silly little lies probably were not needed in the first place. The truth isn’t even bad…I wouldn’t have cared had I known it from the start. Now there is a cloud of doubt. In this lifestyle, trust is imperative. Don’t get me wrong…teasing, a good mind fuck and joking around are perfectly acceptable and encouraged. It is the mistruth that is meant to mislead and deceive that is never okay. It will backfire EVERY time. It ruins the headspace. It takes away your ability for me to let go and trust you to lead me where I need to go. I no longer know if you really do have my best interests in mind. I feel manipulated when this happens and my protective walls go back up and then get reinforced. Finally, it makes me sad. Just tell the truth boys. It will pay off in the long run.

This brings me to the second pet peeve. Do not tell me that you are a Dominant unless you are a Dominant. Seems pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? No…this is a common mental disorder that I have found among men of all ages lately. So many swear that they are Dominants but “wait… what does that mean? I’m new to this”. Guess what sweetie, you are not a Dominant and you will not have a snowballs chance in hell at exhibiting any kind of control over me. You enjoy playing the part of a Dominant in the bedroom…that is role play and rough sex, my friend…that isn’t Dominance. What we have here ladies, is the standard variety horny and kinky man. There is nothing wrong with this breed of man, but he is falsely advertising who he is. Yes, I know…we all have to start someplace…we were all new once. You are absolutely right but I am not a submissive who enjoys teaching a kinky man how to be a Dominant. I will not be your practice target as you learn some new skills and I do not wish to explain to you how to create a mind space for me so you can make me act more submissive for you. If you can’t already do this, and do it well, then we are absolutely not a good match. This breed of man is best off seeking out the breed of woman who refuses to take orders outside of the bedroom but does enjoy kinky sex with the horny kinky man. I wish them all the happiness in the world. Please stop messaging me…I am not that breed of woman and no, I don’t want to join the two of you and teach her how to be more submissive. Good luck with that. The horny kinky man cannot handle me. I promise.

No soup for you…

NEXT!!

2019 is my year to thrive…

1-6-2019

OK…so it has been a week since I made the decision to create this blog…website…place to reflect. I did not intend for anyone to actually read anything…although I am happy that you are here. I have found that writing about my lessons, experiences and stressors help me deal with them, putting them here for others to read makes them real. Knowing that individuals read this and relate to what I am going through helps me and I truly enjoy knowing that my experiences may actually help someone along the way. What I do not need is any critiques. This is filled with my opinions and experiences…there is no wrong or right here…it is my perception of my reality. I do not seek to argue or defend myself. I just want everyone to get along.

I’m an optimistic person. I like to describe my world as my personal bubble…it smells like cotton candy and there is a rainbow in it too! There are days that are really rough but I don’t want them to control me. What could be so difficult? Nothing dramatic for sure…there are many who live easier lives than myself…but I also know that many have it a lot worse than I do so I try real hard to be thankful and not take my life for granted. I am divorced, I am a mom of four teenagers, I am the daughter of amazing parents, the sister of some great individuals, I am well educated, have a great career, am a homeowner, and am proud of my accomplishments. I am secretly a submissive…oh if my family knew…they would think I needed help because this cannot be a normal way to live my life. It is the normal that I choose though and it makes me feel happy and safe. I will walk out my door every morning with a smile on my face. I will go out of my way to do a great job at work and to help anyone that needs it.

My current struggle is that my submissive self is in desperate need of a Dominant to calm that storm that swirls out of control in my head. The problem that came to me today as I reflected was that even the best Dominant cannot fix this storm. I need to gain control of myself in order for anyone else to calm me. I have always been crazy organized and have a plan for the future yet the world around me feels like it is in a state of turmoil. Cluttered surroundings become a cluttered mind and creates an out of control submissive. This cannot be fixed with a hug or a spanking either. Those are temporary fixes but I need the real correction. I am the only one that can do this…the realization of me needing to take control of my surroundings and life is what makes me a strong submissive woman. Only the strong can take control, fix the issues and care for others while submitting personal control to another. I have no doubt that I will be successful and come out stronger for this experience. Sometimes you need to have a few failures in life in order to learn some lessons and to become stronger. I started to spiral out of control at the end of 2018…this is going to be my year. 2019 is where is I take control and become the submissive that I was meant to be.

Today, I have created a plan to get myself back on track. My plan includes reflecting here regularly as well as writing some journals/stories to release some of the tension and to share some of the lessons that I learn along the way. I have created a written journal of lists, to do’s, goals, challenges and accomplishments so that I can look back in the bound pages and see the journey unfold. It becomes a sense of pride. Once I have my life organized again…I will be able to be the true submissive that I am. There is always something blocking me from letting go completely lately…I believe it is because of all my personal stressors. Letting go momentarily helps but those stressors are still there when I wake. Organization, de-cluttering, having a plan…these will all create the calm atmoshere that I need to be able to focus on what is important.

For now, I close this and continue on my vanilla day of housecleaning, laundry, bill pay and de-cluttering my surroundings. Once I get this routine in place…I will be able to focus on serving. I know as well as anyone that I cannot serve if I do not take care of myself first. I forgot about self-care. What was I thinking?! Today is the beginning of my positive changes. Today is where I take control of my happiness. I am finally ready. I am going to thrive in 2019.

The Joys of Online Dating for a Submissive

1-3-19

I have found that many online cannot commit. Some are married, others want a kinky friend with benefits (FWB) and many more call themselves Dominants but have no idea what a real submissive even is. 

“Wait…so you’re submissive? So, if I tell you to show me your tits, you have to do it, right?” … Wow, yeah that is exactly how it works. I just blindly follow the orders of every asshat on the street because, as a submissive, I do not have any functioning brain cells. What a fucking moron.

These little boys have no idea the strength, resilience and trust it takes to submit to someone. I know that I have more strength in me on a bad day than these pathetic boys will ever hope to have. I digress…this sounds judgmental now doesn’t it? Believe it or not, I do not judge all of these individuals because they are all making choices that are right for them. What I perceive as unfair though, is that they sometimes judge me harshly for not wanting to be involved in what they are rationalizing as an appropriate decision that is working for them in their situation. I think that some have forgotten that just because I am online and am an unattached submissive, it doesn’t mean that I am obligated to submit to their needs and be happy to serve a lonely, sex deprived, elderly married man. “Hot damn…where do I sign up for that?! I NEED TO SNATCH THAT ONE UP BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!”I think that someone is forgetting that I also have the right to make the choices that are right for me and those choices include seeking a relationship with someone who I am attracted to…yep, that’s right boys, just because you like getting off to my pictures, doesn’t mean that I can stand the sight of you. 

Age can be a real issue. I receive a lot of messages from boys…yes I’m calling you boys…who want to fulfill their fantasy of finding Mrs Robinson. Hate to burst your bubble kids…I have ZERO interest in a single one of you. I don’t care if you are 22 and keep it hard for hours…my glass dildo lasts even longer, and I have more skill in my right hand than you do in that cock that I see in your profile picture with the remote control or water bottle. Oh…I’m sorry, you thought you were being original. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the entitled elderly “gentleman” who swears that it still works…just give him a chance. Guess what, I’ll bet that old toothbrush lying on the curb on garbage day still works too…doesn’t mean I’m going to put it in my mouth. Gross. I get a lot of rude comments from men that are 70-ish. Apparently, I am not so young either and as a 47-year-old woman, I should just give up and fuck him because he is as good as it gets for me. “Whew! So glad he found me in time!” I am not looking for young and I am not looking for old. I am not looking for a rich guy to take care of me either. Quit telling me about your money. I DON’T CARE. I love my job, I have worked hard for what I have and I won’t be leaving my career to serve you or anyone else. What I seek is someone within 10 years of my own age. As I have told my submissive friends, if I can’t picture myself willingly on my knees, begging him to allow me to worship his cock on a regular basis…I can tell you right now that he will never be my Dominant, no matter how much I respect him and value his friendship. My Dominant will be attractive to me, kind but strict, he will allow me to be myself while molding me to be the submissive that I long to be, he will be funny and allow me to embrace my creativity and humor, sometimes without consequence (as long as I am being respectful, of course!) and he will be a true long term and loving partner. 

I guess that I am just a bad girl for not wanting to submit to that married guy. Hurry…someone spank me for that!! I should probably feel bad for their tough life of deprived sexual contact. If they are that miserable, they should either fix it or leave. I am not here to fill their void. I will be the cherished partner…NEVER the secret one. Many love to tell me that they love their wife or their girlfriend so they don’t want to leave…what was I thinking? I should understand this and just let them fuck me on the side. We can be “discreet” so no one gets hurt. He can just give me orders, demand naughty pictures and control me from a distance. “Wow…that sounds awesome! What a lucky girl I am to be chosen for this great honor. Fuck off buddy…not interested.” This is a win-win situation only for him…the great and powerful almighty Dom. Guess what asshole…I WOULD GET HURT BECAUSE SUBMISSION IS NOT AN EMPTY ACT FOR ME. I guess I don’t count, huh?

Here’s the thing…I was married once too. I loved my husband and continue to love him. We were not on the same page anymore though. It happens. My marriage was no longer healthy. My needs were not being met. Instead of seeking it elsewhere and taking the easy road by staying married, I divorced him and found my way. I did not expect others to compromise their self-respect by asking them to be part of a cheating wife’s escapades. Perhaps they wouldn’t have cared. With that being said, I am actually not judging. I know it sounds like I am, but I just don’t want to be part of the triangle in someone else’s marriage. I don’t share well. If I’m playing, fucking and connecting with someone…he is not going home to someone else’s bed. I am not spending all of my holidays alone while he enjoys it with the family he pretends does not exist when he is with me. That’s where it hurts me. I will NEVER be someone’s dirty little secret. 

Here is the thing I learned from all of this. I think that when we first enter this lifestyle, we dip our toes in the water, we start experimenting and search for what we perceive is the ideal partner…whether it is of the Dominant or submissive persuasion. A young, fit, attractive person with an infectious personality and a great career…then we wake the fuck up and realize that the only thing that should really matter is the connection, energy and dynamic. Newbies tend to need the handsome prince or princess…I have found that handsome is all in the eye of the beholder. I have met socially beautiful people just to find them turning ugly as they open their mouth to speak. I have also met socially average to below-average looking individuals and found myself incredibly attracted because of the way they treat me and the wonderful and loving personality that they have. Sometimes you do need to kiss a few toads to find that prince but when you do, you’ll be glad you tossed those toads back into the pond…or the highway…whatever works.

I am a natural submissive. Do not mistake my kindness (and a simple hello) for weakness. I am nice to everyone unless you give me a reason not to be. I will be sassy to everyone…seriously…what does a girl need to do to get a spanking around here? Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know…I’ll add it to the list! 

Newbie subs…don’t give up and don’t settle. Let the toads all sort it out in the murky pond on their own. Your prince will find you when you least expect it. He/she is worth the wait.

I am A submissive…not YOUR submissive

11/22/18

I am A submissive. I am not YOUR submissive. I really don’t care how long you have been in the community. I truly don’t care how much experience you have. Your expectation of what a submissive needs to be may not match the kind of submissive that I am. I am a natural submissive. I am also an Alpha Submissive who knows exactly what I want, what I need and how I want to serve. I refuse to top from the bottom because I am a follower who needs to be given the safe place to shut off my brain. I need a Dominant who understands my needs and knows not only how to fill them, but that finds his needs met in the process. I NEED to give my submission, but I will not disrespect myself by settling for anything or anyone who does not meet my needs or does not treat me with respect. I will NOT be judged by any Dominant who cannot or chooses not to understand this. I am not yours to judge. I am not yours to criticize. I am not yours to punish. I cannot trust or respect anyone who thinks otherwise.

In my opinion, finding the Dominant that is right for any submissive is not any different than vanilla dating. OMG…the Dom wants to dominate me…I must submit immediately because of this great honor! FUCK THAT SHIT. Seriously, what makes him worthy of my submission, my trust, my adoration? Sometimes you know on that very first date that there is no way that this is going to go anywhere. Other times, it may take a few dates and a play session or two to know the same. Sometimes you are fooled and fall for the egotistical narcissist. There may even be the time when you just need to play without the intention of a relationship. Oh my god…it’s a hook-up. What…a…slut. Fuck off if that’s what you think. Yeah, I had one of those too. It was an amazingly fun night and I don’t regret it for a second. Sometimes, you receive an unexpected message and just click. Sometimes you meet for coffee and find that the connection is exactly what you were looking for. Sometimes you allow your walls to crumble down all around you because you know that this incredible man is offering everything you need and what you offer is what he seeks in return. Sometimes you find yourself giving your gift of submission and accepting his ownership sooner than what friends think you should. Sometimes they forget that they do not know what has transpired in private to make you feel safe, allowing you to make this decision. Sometimes they forget that you are a grown ass woman who is smart and her brain processes situations at a constant rate, always thinking about her safety and vulnerability but knowing that you have to take a leap of faith on occasion. Sometimes you don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks when this miraculous event happens. I am happy. Don’t you dare try to steal that from me. 

The important part is that one recognizes when a relationship is not right for them and moves on instead of stringing someone along or feeling trapped in a relationship that isn’t healthy. I have done some dating this year. Yes, these men were all wonderful people (I reserve the right to say that one most certainly was not) who were not a good match for me but are making another submissive very happy. I continue to have respect for them and want nothing more than to know that they have found happiness. I enjoyed the company of a wonderful Dominant whose needs I could not meet. Another who could never meet mine. I gave another a fair chance, attempted to submit even but I could not trust his leadership or ability to keep me safe. Perhaps people need to understand that you can’t believe everything you see and that things happen behind closed doors that you don’t know about. Sometimes people act one way in public and so very differently at home. Sometimes they like to act like they want to learn and even play the role when you are watching just to go back to being arrogant and looking down their nose at those who tried to help. Sometimes the dominant act ends the minute the car door closes, and he becomes his vanilla and judgmental self when no one in the community is watching, making the sub miserable and defensive of her friends.  Sometimes people just don’t like to admit that they fell for the same bullshit that I did. Yet, I am now a bad submissive because I took my life back and will not allow someone to make me feel bad about myself in order to make themselves feel like a real Dominant. Sometimes people like to discuss this and judge you because you didn’t sit at home crying about your loss and instead moved on and continued your search for happiness. I also would have been called a fool to stay in a relationship like this. Sometimes, you just can’t win. I will never allow myself to be a victim. No one has the right to judge me for leaving a relationship that I can describe as nothing less than mentally abusive. Period. There are some absolutely amazing men whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and befriending that are not and never will be good matches for me. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have different kinks and different needs from a D/s dynamic. I’m not judging your needs. You don’t get to judge mine.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a brat. Don’t mistake my strength for brattiness. I am not your submissive, therefore I do not follow your rules. You are just another male in the room. You will receive the same respect that I give to everyone human. Here is the thing about me. I cannot give my full submission and tear down my carefully built walls of protection to someone who cannot provide the boundaries and leadership that I require. I need boundaries, rules, and structure. When I respect and trust a Dominant, I will happily stay within those boundaries and follow every damn rule down to the letter. Will I test the boundaries just a little every now and then? Hell yes, I will. I need to know that they are real and that you are going to keep me in them as promised. If my Dominant can provide this in our dynamic, he is rewarded with my respect, trust, adoration, and total compliance. 

Yes, I have moved on. Will this be the lasting D/s relationship that I have been seeking? Maybe…maybe not. Sometimes you have to take a chance and see what happens. For now…I have rules. I have boundaries. I have given my submission and trust to an amazing Dominant. My Master, in turn, has provided a safe place and the structure that I need. I do not test his boundaries. This is not out of fear of punishment rather it is my need to please him and to ensure that he is proud to own me.  I love having these boundaries and want to comply. I accept his ownership and I trust him to lead me to the place he knows that I need to be. I know my place. I am happy. Don’t rain on my fucking parade.

Our First Meeting

11/14/2018

It has been a whirlwind. I woke up this morning after barely sleeping all night. I was nervous and SO excited. I was about to see my Master face to face for the first time. We had a wonderful connection online and have progressed even more since we started texting, but I was so afraid that our connection would fail once we were sitting across from each other. Maybe he wouldn’t think that I was the right submissive for him. Maybe I would be curvier than he expected. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel the connection that I thought I would feel. Anything could happen. I took a deep breath and walked out the door to meet him at Starbucks.

I received my first message from Master a mere week ago. I wasn’t sure what to think with that first “Good Morning”. He said that he loved my profile, introduced himself as an experienced Master…he wanted to speak with me. I was already intimidated a little. I knew immediately that he was the real deal. He was not one of the vanilla boys trying to convince a submissive that he is a Dominant. His energy was different, and I felt it.

Master was handsome. He called me his sweet sub. He asked me many questions about my experience, my needs, the limits that I want challenged. He reassured many of my fears before I had the chance to verbalize them. He provided his cell phone number, told me the town he lived in, the type of work he does, and all about his family. I felt his pain when he shared the recent loss of his parents, and I felt the pride he has in his children. He was so optimistic and had so much energy in his writing. I had to talk to him more.

Just four days after that first text, I responded to his message as soon as I read it. Then I thought about it for a few moments and decided that it was silly to write it there when a phone number had been provided. I then picked up my phone and shakily sent him a text message. I wasn’t sure if he would even respond but it was exciting to send the message anyway. Within just a few short minutes, my phone vibrated on my desk. I had received my first text response with additional pictures so I would know him along with a big enthusiastic thank you for being comfortable enough to communicate through text. 

Over the next several days, we texted frequently. He asked many questions and I answered promptly, with detail, often offering more than what he requested. He was kind, encouraging, and very easy to talk to. I never felt judged about my feelings or experiences. I was telling him everything and I was being praised for my promptness and openness to share.

The next day, we continued our communication and I found us already talking about sessions. He answered all of my questions and put me at ease. I received my first assignment that evening. He wanted a picture of me wearing something that I thought Master would enjoy seeing me wear. Yikes! No pressure, right? What was he looking for? I decided to take a picture the way I was. A strong, independent woman who had just returned from a long day at work. Then I changed into some tasteful lingerie with my heels and sent that as a contrast to display my inner submissive that desperately wanted to come out. I was already feeling his control. Did I just refer to myself as his slut? This was exhilarating and horrifying at the same time. Am I being manipulated or is he the wonderful Master that I think he is and I am finally feeling like the submissive that I know that I am? How do I know the difference? I share my fears with him and he reassures me that my feelings are normal. He reminds me of his experience as a Master and that I need to trust and let him help me. He is right. I needed to stop overthinking everything.

I received my second assignment. He wanted me to write a short story for him. I needed to describe our first session. Why? This was scary. I did not want it to be pathetic and basic but I also did not want to go overboard and set an expectation of what he may interpret as what I want or need from a first session. I asked some clarifying questions and set to get writing. I wrote my heart out, imagining what it may be like. I described what I thought my fears, excitement and emotions of that day would be and I shared it with him as directed. I was nervous as he read the story. What if he didn’t approve? What if he thought it was dumb? I would be so embarrassed. When I write, it comes from deep within me. No filters. My true self on the paper. Vulnerable and raw.

It was only 5 days since we started our journey, and Master told me that I may be the sub that he was looking for. We hadn’t met yet but he said that he felt as if he already owned me…and I felt owned. I felt as though I knew my place and all I really wanted was to please my Master. I trusted him. I wanted to please him. Then he asked me:” Who’s your Master baby?” and without hesitation, I replied “You are my Master”. He later texted me that he decided to claim ownership; I was now his sexual slave, his whore, his slut and his sweet sub. I was owned and I was happy. 

The next morning began the daily pictures of what I would be wearing to work. Master told me that he enjoyed the story that I wrote for him and that he was proud of what I had done for him. My words excited Master and I was so happy! We made plans to meet the next morning for coffee so Master and slave could finally meet face to face. Has it really only been a week?!  The excitement Masters’ whore felt was palpable. I could barely concentrate on anything. I was so excited! I went to bed that night smiling and restless in anticipation.

I woke up that morning with a big smile. In a few short hours, I would be sitting across the table from my Master! I put my fears and anxiety aside and got out of bed and began to get ready. I texted Master a picture of what I would be wearing to meet him as requested, and then headed out the door.

I arrived early, ordered a drink and sat down with my computer. I wanted to be early because I did not want to leave Master waiting for me and also so that I could get settled and feel relaxed when he arrived. Every time the door opened, I looked up wondering if he was the one arriving. I learned that this is a very busy coffee shop! So many people order online and come through that door! Finally, I heard the door open again, and there he was. I recognized him immediately. Master was handsome and had a smile on his face. He walked over to me, introduced himself as I stood up, and gave me the most wonderful hug. If I had any doubts before that moment, they all vanished that very instant. Feeling Masters’ arms around me felt like a safe place. I was so very happy. I was the luckiest girl on the planet.

We spent the next 3 hours sitting across from each other, talking about everything from family to the D/s dynamic. It was wonderful, my mind was completely at ease. He was the man I thought he was, the Master that I was hoping he would be. I knew he was being honest and I loved him for being so wonderful. He held my hands as we talked, he was very distracted by my breasts and I was distracted about the pulsing I felt in my wet pussy. I excused myself to the bathroom once and he hugged me with his face right in my cleavage as I walked by.  I didn’t want to walk away! Apparently, that behavior is frowned upon in the coffee shop, so I had to keep walking! When I returned, we agreed that we would like to proceed with the dynamic that we had already begun. I had a handsome and wonderful Master. I knew that it was the start of something fantastic. It was exciting and scary, but I was ready for the adventure!

He walked me to my car. It was cold outside, but I did not feel the cold. I put my purse in my car and I could feel my heart beating as he put his arms around me again. My God I cannot get enough of his hugs! He looked deep into my eyes and I thought I was going to melt right then and there. When he kissed me, I could feel all the butterflies fluttering around inside me. He is a wonderful kisser, I could just keep kissing him for hours if he let me. He took my hand and allowed me to feel how firm he was; I was so happy and so very wet. I wanted badly for him to just take me away and really make me his. To truly claim what he already owns. It was going to have to wait a few weeks. I knew that and it was going to be torture but it would be worth it when the day finally comes. Another passionate kiss and we needed to go our separate ways for the day. Already? Why did that 3 hours have to go by so quickly?

We then said our good byes, I got into my car and took a deep breath. Did that just happen? Oh, it did, and it was amazing. I have the most wonderful Master. I am all in. I will do what it takes to please him and make him proud. I will be the best whore I can be, and I know that with his guidance I will be successful.

I am strong. 

I am resilient.

I am submissive.

I am owned.

I am whole.